What You're Not Expecting When You're Trying to Expect

On this day...

2010-03-07T17:49:00.007-05:00

...one year ago Lyla was a tiny embryo. I remember the weekend so well - I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat - I anticipated the next call from the lab with tears of joy and feelings of dread, all at once.

And, now here we are one year later. Our lives have been completely transformed. I wanted to write a brief update just to express that we are happy and that life is going well. Our home is a little dustier, phone calls are harder and harder to return and I'm not as organized as I used to be...but Lyla is the light of my days. I wake up and feel completely blessed with joy that I get to spend the entire day with her.

She is now 3 1/2 months, and I can't believe how quickly this year is flying by. She is a completely different baby than the one who was born back in November. She smiles at everything, is losing her hair, sleeps unreliably at night and has learned to love to nurse - yes, nursing was our first real challenge together and we made it through. I'm very proud of that.

It sounds cliche, but life is very, very good. At this point in my life's journey, I'm convinced that every tear, every fear and every horrible day of our infertility is now worth it. I hope there's a note of hope in that for anyone out there struggling with the agonizing desire to have a baby. I still read all of your blogs faithfully, and while I don't often have time to comment, I think of you all and pray regularly that a baby is on the horizon.

Lyla Q. is such an amazing miracle, and I feel so blessed to be her mommy.

She's Here!!

2009-12-02T15:43:00.005-05:00

Lyla Quinn was born on Friday, Nov. 27 (her exact due date!) at 2:46 p.m. At 22 inches long, she weighed a whopping 9 lbs., 3 oz.

I am more overcome with love than I ever thought imaginable. She is just amazing. L. took this picture right after he handed her to me, and I think it's my most favorite photograph in the world.

Simply put, she is a living, breathing miracle.

She's Almost Here!

2009-11-26T06:19:00.004-05:00

Yesterday we went in for an ultrasound as our little girl seems snug in her cocoon and is showing no definitive signs of arrival at almost 40 weeks.

According to the ultrasound, she is a very big girl, weighing in at almost 10 pounds. After consulting with our doctor, we've opted for a C-section, scheduled for Friday at 2:30. Of course, ultrasound weights tend to be a little off at this point in pregnancy, so she probably doesn't weigh that much in actuality. However, I'm not arguing the benefits of a C-section, and I just want her to enter the world as safely as possible.

I am so excited about seeing her that yesterday flew by in a blur, but as we get closer, I find that I am nervous and wrestling with the feelings I suppose any new parent grapples with: I can't believe we're going to have a newborn baby in our home in less than 48 hours.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Update: Full Term

2009-11-06T12:22:00.001-05:00

Today is a major milestone - 37 weeks. We are officially full term.

After weeks and weeks of sitting on pins and needles, we are relieved to reach this point. Our baby is measuring in the 72nd percentile for growth, and the doctor is predicting she will be approximately 8.5 pounds. Unbelieveable!

Physically, I'm feeling good overall, just very tired. I think that fatigue has been far more of a factor for me in the 3rd trimester than any other - probably because I ran on adrenaline during the first two.

The nursery is complete, stroller purchased and the carseat is ready to go (I even know how to use it!).

I am feeling really reflective at this point in the pregnancy - I often wander into the nursery and sit there for a very long time, just thinking about where we've been and where we are now. I feel so grateful for every hiccup, every kick and every little movement. Somehow I don't think I would have been so gracious had this pregnancy come easily. I know I wouldn't.

I am apprehensive about labor, but not really about the pain. All I can think about is getting to that moment where our little girl cries for the first time and we know that everything is really okay with her.

And, I still can't believe the miracle of IVF and the fact that when we first saw her she was 7 or 8 cells. Now, she is a living, thriving little baby kicking inside of me.

It's the miracle of my lifetime.

20 Weeks

2009-07-10T04:53:00.012-04:00

The halfway point. We're here.

I'm not sure why it's been nearly 10 weeks since I've posted - I know now from personal experience that getting pregnant does not erase the battle wounds of the last 2 1/2 years.

I originally wanted to post about every aspect of my pregnancy, but somehow it didn't seem appropriate to do so this in this forum because every time I did, I felt like I was evoking pain for someone else. I know that's presumptuous - I mean, in all likelihood if my posts caused pain for anyone out there, surely they'd just stop reading my blog. I know that, but it still felt like "that girl" who can't stop talking about her pregnancy, and my heart has been broken by that person so many times throughout this experience in my life.

Nonetheless, I am inspired to post today to commemorate the midpoint of our pregnancy.

Significant events of the last 9 weeks:

We've moved to a new city and are getting settled into a completely new life. I'm not currently working and probably won't for the next few months, which is a huge life transition for me. I've been a career girl for the last 11 years of my life, and taking time off is not something I ever planned - it's just that finding employment at 5 months pregnant in the (ailing) nonprofit world is probably not a great likelihood at this point. I think it's a God-given opportunity to take a break, be pregnant and re-evaluate my life. I feel very blessed (albeit somewhat displaced) to have this time.
We are having a little girl. We did not learn this in the way I thought we would - I didn't wake up one morning and think, "Today we'll find out the sex of our child." In fact, like many things in life (i.e. not being able to conceive at will), this fact did not reveal itself in at all the way I imagined that it would. I had a very scary spotting episode en route to vacation at 17 weeks, 4 days. It was the single scariest moment of my life. Unfortunately, I discovered this 1 hour into a two hour flight. We cancelled everything as soon as we landed and headed straight to an ER (which wasn't an easy task to accomplish in Newark, NJ). God led us to a wonderful ER in Somerville, NJ, and we received the care we needed. The spotting stopped as soon as it started and hasn't returned. There was no specific reason given for the episode other than it may have been a bursting capillary on my cervix or the result of a low lying placenta. We'll find out more about the low lying placenta in an ultrasound scheduled for next Friday. Interestingly, in the hour following the spotting discovery on the plane, my thoughts were not of needles, swollen ovaries and egg retrievals - all I could think about was the little face on the ultrasound and the most intense fear that our baby was in distress. It was a horrible moment.
My relationship with my IVF friend is officially over. Long story short, I attempted to graciously share the news of our pregnancy with her at 12 weeks before she heard of it from someone else, and subsequently received a nasty response in which I was told I was a "black cloud" that hung over her pregnancy because she had to "walk on eggshells" throughout it because of me. A disappointment, for certain, but a relationship I will never again question putting in my rearview mirror.

I don't know if I'll start posting again. I've noticed that sometimes people create new pregnancy blogs, which I can completely understand. But somehow, this doesn't feel like the right venue for me because I still feel like infertility is undeniably my shadow, even throughout pregnancy: in no way does it feel like a part of my life that's completely finished. I've considered creating a new family blog when our our baby makes her appearance, but that's still very much a dream for me.

Pregnancy post infertility is a moment in life that, to me, has been like a long drink of water after a prolonged drought. I cherish every single minute and revere my growing belly and all 12 pounds of my weight gain. I am still in awe of the whole process and can't quite get over the miracle growing inside me.

I still read your posts and pray regularly that there resolve is on the horizon. This journey is one that seems without ending, although pregnancy resulting from a treatment cycle is accompanied by a profound joy that is no comparison for the feelings experienced by someone who conceives after 2 months of trying.

And no one will ever convince me otherwise.

11 Wk 3 Day Ultrasound

2009-05-11T16:17:00.004-04:00

Today my pregnancy felt real for the very first time. Laying there and looking at an ultrasound screen of MY UTERUS and seeing a little baby move around was nothing short of miraculous.

I can't stop looking at the pictures and marveling at the fact that I met this little baby at just 8 tiny cells, and he has now morphed into an actual being with arms and legs that move. (By the way, I'm using "he" here generally.)

Our baby has a little chin, a tiny nose and ears that are moving into place. His arms and legs are moving, and at one point in the ultrasound he arched his back. Our baby is measuring at 12 weeks, so he's growing well - approximately the size of a beautiful lime! Heartbeat increased to 162 beautiful beats per minute. My OB says our baby "looks great".

There is still a part of me that has to convince myself that the monitor was actually connected to my uterus and was not a television appearance of someone else's baby. It's all so surreal, still.

Things are going well - still intermittent nausea that feels exactly like bad car sickness, insomnia (I finally fall asleep to the Golden Girls nearly every night, starting at about 1:30 a.m.) and fatigue when I get home from work. I'm hungry all the time and very emotional.

It was great seeing my OB today because she was so thrilled for us. As we were leaving, she said, "This baby is so lucky to have you two as parents."

We feel so blessed to have this baby. God is good.

Upcoming Ultrasound and Stuff

2009-05-08T16:13:00.006-04:00

I haven't been doing too much blogging lately, and I don't really know why. Perhaps it's because the evenings are particularly rough for me - it's usually when nausea kicks in full force. I'm very fortunate that it rarely plagues me at work.

We are 11 weeks today, next ultrasound is Monday, and I have mixed feelings about it. I'm very excited about seeing how much our baby has grown, and I have no reason to believe that the news will be anything but positive. However, the infertility journey changes you...and there's still that nagging feeling that the other shoe is getting ready to drop...

Things have been going well overall. I vascillate between extreme excitement and fear all the time, which is interesting with the hormones running through my body.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how the infertility experience alters the pregnancy experience, like it or not. Every aspect, every successful day seems so much more precious. I literally thank God at the end of every day for getting us through another one.

I went to a party last weekend and was surprised that I felt the familiar lump in my throat when I saw a couple of women there with their infants. Those feelings don't just go away...there's still that odd, sickening mixture of jealousy accompanied by guilt for feeling anything negative at all.

I'm hoping that those feelings will start to dissolve at some point. It's ironic because after one of those moms left the party, I learned from a friend of mine that she and her husband went through 3 rounds of IVF to get their little girl. Amazing how I never even considered that when I first saw them there.

Also of note, my 40 year old boss is pregnant. It was a complete accident, and I think she's becoming more and more excited about it. It's been interesting working with someone whose experience is so opposite of my own in so many ways.

I'll post after Monday's ultrasound. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. I think I'm in the mood for some chocolate tonight (and I think I'm actually going to let myself have it - I've been religiously avoiding caffeine in any form - ugh).

8 Weeks, 6 Days: Hope Re-enters

2009-04-23T06:59:00.013-04:00

I love my life these days. I'm feeling stronger every day and am more convinced about the health of our baby.

Most recently, my typical glass is half empty/worry about everything attitude has been challenged by reading Emily's blog (which incidentally, is of a similar name to mine - "What to Expect When You're NOT Expecting"). She recently got her BFP, and has been awe-inspiringly hopeful since her beta. This is the kind of hope and attitude that I believe is best for our baby, and I'm working on embracing this moment instead of succumbing to worry and fear. I really appreciate her optimism and "enjoy-every-minute" mentality.

I think about this little life inside me from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep, and many, many times in between.

Thusfar, our baby has given us no crazy, violent symptoms - just a quiet nausea, food cravings and aversions and most recently, a tasty case of metal mouth. It's just enough to know he/she is down there with a beating heart, and we're smiling through the whole thing: "Money in the bank", as my good friends T. & S. say.

I don't know how many times each day I smile to myself and say, "I can't believe this is actually happening to us."

We've received a few gifts here and there from several close friends and family, which has been a great reminder that this is all actually happening. My friend M. brought over a toy with a little pull cord that plays "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", a song from our wedding. It was so special and even more so because she bought it 2 years ago and has been waiting all this time to give it to us. My parents sent a special bear, our friends A & C sent some cute bibs and my friend S. sent an assortment of baby items "to get us started".

This outpouring of support has been amazing, and I cry every time I open a package with a card that reads "...And Baby Makes Three" - I still can't believe it is actually meant for our little family.

I am working on allowing myself to feel completely hopeful about this pregnancy. We are here, and it's an amazing moment in our lives. I have loved every minute of being pregnant, and believe that this is the most beautiful miracle God has ever created for us.

Hope is something that's been an alien (and inconsistent) concept to me over the last couple of years, and it feels good to feel it re-enter my life. I've missed it.

8 Wks, 0 Days - Nausea is My Friend

2009-04-16T16:56:00.006-04:00

I have a new best friend. Her name is Nausea. She pops up when I haven't eaten in 10 minutes or so, and she is a fabulous indication of a healthy hormonal cocktail flowing through my veins. She isn't overpowering (yet) or even annoying. She's just present.

I have never been so happy to feel like crap.

The beauty of infertility (if there is any beauty about infertility, that is) is that pregnancy symptoms are each small victories to be celebrated. My pants are a little tighter and I'm thrilled. My boobs look like a veiny spiderweb, and I think they're amazing. And, now, Nausea has arrived, and she is the ultimate reassurance.

I absolutely love her.

We Have a Flicker!

2009-04-11T09:57:00.003-04:00

Driving to the clinic yesterday was difficult. I cried as we got closer because I was so scared and excited, all at the same time (the hormones are also helping with this). When I saw my shrink last week, she told me that I really needed to work on letting myself feel some excitement about the first ultrasound of my life that didn't involve cysts, follicles and endometriomas. She was right, it was a brilliant moment.

L. (who can read ultrasounds) saw the baby before I did and smiled at me with a thumbs up. We've developed our own nonverbals for the ultrasound room because his expression always gives me the lowdown before the tech does. It was a relief to see how happy he was, and when the ultrasound tech moved the monitor toward us and showed us the flicker, I caught my breath. 140 beautiful beats per minute. Perfect. Priceless.

Our baby's heart is beating! It is a Divine Miracle.

The icing on the cake: Debbie, my favorite IVF RN came in to share the moment with us. I love that she was there after everything else she's been through with us.

Today I am excited and working on shedding a little of my past failures a little at a time. My shrink says that I have to start thinking about the success of this pregnancy rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's so hard after 2 1/2 years of disappointment, but I'm trying. I want to feel hopeful and excited, and really, I do. It's just so hard to believe this is all actually happening, and I have to look at the ultrasound images on a regular basis to convince myself.

And, the lowgrade nausea I've developed is also helping with the reality check.

To Tell or Not To Tell...

2009-04-02T15:26:00.018-04:00

For those of you who haven't had the opportunity to stop by Baby Smiling in Back Seat's Thoughtful Thursdays, you really should. Cassandra has become one of my favorite fellow bloggers, and I make it a point to stop by every Thursday to read some of the most thought-provoking posts in the blogosphere. Today's Thoughtful Thursday was so relevant, in fact, that my comment is going to be in the form of my own post:

Today's Thoughtful Thursday question is about telling:

"When is it okay to make the pregnancy announcement?"

When L & I naively started trying to make a baby, we were resolute about the 12 week wait. We shook our heads at people who pompously announced their two pink lines before the pee stick even dried: How could they be so stupid??!!

Enter Clomid after a year shrouded in secrecy: This was the point I called my mom, crying, scared that we would end up with 4 or 5 kids in the womb at once. In retrospect, what a joke.

As time wore on, we wrestled with a secret that became harder and harder to keep. Our closest friends had no idea what was going on, and our only support came from each other. While I believe that IF has intensified our relationship in ways I never dreamed possible, having such little outside support was becoming more and more difficult for us both. We began to think that letting a few people in on the situation might actually relieve some of the stress we were feeling so burdened with.

So, we decided to put it out there and we let our closest friends and family in on the most difficult journey of our lives. While it was a difficult decision to make, it was the right one because we could never have made it through IVF without the prayers and support of the people we decided to tell.

Now that we are pregnant, we have shared this joyous news with the same people who so graciously walked with us this far. I believe that if this ends in some unthinkable situation, these are the same people who would support us through the devastation. I can't imagine something like that being a part of my life story without these very same people knowing.

Truthfully, "coming out" to a few select people has been one of the biggest blessings in our lives, without a doubt. It was a risk, but it was worth taking.

As for the "outer circle" (i.e. people at work, more distant friends we don't talk to that often, etc), I won't feel okay telling them until the end of the first trimester - at least. While we are thrilled that we are pregnant, I don't exactly feel compelled to go out and shout it from the rooftop.

So, those of you who are my real life compadres, know that we love you and generally think that you all rock. We are so glad you're on this journey with us.

By the way, have I mentioned that I've eaten almost a whole jar of pickles in less than 24 hours?

5 Weeks, 5 Days

2009-04-01T15:59:00.005-04:00

I am still waiting for a bunch of fabulous, definitive pregnancy symptoms to pop up, and for the most part, I feel the same physically as I did this time last month (with the exception of the bulging ovaries I had during stims). This is all so surreal: my husband tells me I'm pregnant, I have a good HCG level and then...nothing, or nothing I expected.

After 2 1/2 years of negative tests, I expected this change of mass proportion to take over my body when I was finally pregnant. Pregnancy seemed like a mystical state of being, and I never imagined it being so 'normal'. Frankly, I'm a little nervous about that and would almost prefer the "solace" of raging vomiting episodes.

I have wrestled all week with (my lack of) symptoms. I keep waiting for something magnificent to arise, and to date, it hasn't happened yet. Thusfar, I've experienced:

-Slight fatigue, but nothing overwhelming

-A couple of instances of low grade nausea, but nothing debilitating

-I'm really thirsty all the time, which leads to numerous trips to the bathroom

-Mild cramping (which is more and more intermittent)

-Insomnia - I go to sleep very easily and invariably wake up at about 2 or 3 and can't go back to sleep, and yes, this is a symptom of early pregnancy per Dr. Google.

-Sore breasts

-Vivid dreams (when I finally do sleep)

I am trying to refrain from believing the old wive's tale that a healthy pregnancy is a vomiting pregnancy. Hopefully, I'm just blessed with very few horrible symptoms or maybe it's just too early. After all the stims, hormonal injections and terrifying calls from the IVF nurses (whom I really miss these days, believe it or not!), things are pretty quiet on the pregnancy front.

On another note, I got to tell my dentist I'm pregnant on Monday. For 2 1/2 years, I've been awaiting the moment I could finally announce my pregnancy in response to the obligatory: "So...are there any changes to your health status?"

It's amazing sharing the news in the World of the Fertiles because no one questions anything at all - they seem to cherish a sweet, naive peace of mind that a beautiful baby will magically pop out in 9 months. I was met with high pitched congratulations followed by advice about baby shower gifts.

Ignorance really must be bliss.

One day closer to April 10: Ultrasound Day.

Blame the Hormones

2009-03-26T22:44:00.005-04:00

I've sworn to myself through this whole thing that never, ever would I complain about anything "pregnancy related" if God would ever just grant me the opportunity to experience it. And, I'm sticking to that. I can tell you that if morning sickness is every my reality, I will vomit with a smile. Likewise, I will gladly gain weight, sport a pregnancy nose and swollen ankles and hands...all with a gracious laugh. Promise.

However, I didn't expect the anxiety I'm feeling right now because for the first time ever, it feels like there is so much to lose.

I remember when I was a kid, I absolutely couldn't wait until the day my parents trusted me to stay home alone. I imagined that I would be in charge of my two younger sisters, I would eat whatever I wanted, and watch anything I wanted on TV.

But when it finally happened, after the elation wore off, I felt a strange sense of fear. Creaks in the floor were just a little bit louder, and the dark was just a little bit darker. It was actually a little scary.

And, at the risk of sounding like a whinebox, I'm feeling pretty home alone right now. I am elated that we are pregnant. It's beyond thrilling to say to myself, "I'm 5 weeks pregnant on Saturday."

But there are no affirmations right now - no blood test results or ultrasounds, and I'm scared to death of what is (or isn't) going on in there. Yes, I've actually considered buying a few pregnancy tests just to convince myself that this is actually happening.

Enter yet another 2 week wait. Our first ultrasound is 2 weeks from tomorrow: April 10. The thought of an ultrasound that actually involves a baby instead of a follicle counts and and endometriomas is thrilling.

I know, I need to get a grip. Do you think I can blame the hormones?

It's a.....

2009-03-24T21:48:00.006-04:00

POSITIVE!!!!!

I came home yesterday after working the most intense half day of my life to balloons, beautiful flowers and L. walking around the corner saying words I've longed to hear for 2 1/2 years:

"Congratulations, Babe, you're pregnant!"

The magic number: HCG=857

I am over the moon, thrilled beyond belief and scared to death, all at the same time.

But, mostly, I'm over the moon.

By the way, hearing that your pregnant from your beloved spouse: Priceless.

It's a memory a pee stick just can't possibly grant.

To all of you who have supported us, prayed for us and cheered us on, thank you. This cycle was truly a miracle, and I am completely convinced of the power of prayer and love.

You are all amazing.

Introducing Another IVF "Friend"....

2009-03-17T06:27:00.010-04:00

After a great visit with my shrink yesterday afternoon, I walked out into the sunshine actually believing it was okay to feel hopeful about this cycle. She helped me understand that we'll be disappointed (okay, devastated) if this doesn't work, but there's nothing wrong with feeling some hope right now.

Essentially, it's going to suck either way if it's a negative.

After my appointment, I went to have coffee with an old friend I haven't seen in many months. I initiated this time with her because we will be moving in a few months, and I wanted to reconnect with her. She's a bit on the intense side, but I thought it would be a good diversion. She's one half of a couple with no kids, so I knew there would be no baby talk.

Well, I thought I knew.

We talked work for about 30 minutes, from which she launched into a discussion about her recent IVF cycle: "If you ever need a fertility specialist, I know a really good one. We just went through an IVF cycle. By the way, I'm 9 weeks pregnant."

She suggested the specialist in the same tone one would recommend a dentist or a hairstylist.

I was astounded and couldn't help but stammer that we just gone through the same thing. It seemed like the natural thing to do given the circumstances - I mean, I don't typically have coffee with someone for the first time in months only to hear that they just underwent IVF.

Big Mistake.

Her response: "Well, if it doesn't work, I know this great specialist..."

The remainder of the conversation was me listening to her complain about her pregnancy symptoms and how awful being pregnant is - "I'm soooo tired of being sick, and all I want to do is eat. This is just awful."

Needless to say, after a few minutes, I thought of somewhere else I needed to be and abruptly ended this fiasco.

I am realizing that IVF has many faces, and amazingly, simply going through it doesn't mean that you have an ounce of empathy or compassion. I have now encountered two women who have ridden the IVF roller coaster, and I couldn't feel farther apart from either of them in terms of their emotional response to this experience.

Today, I'm moving on from this horrific coffee date. Frankly, a few more months of separation from this friend (if not a permanent arrangement) might definitely be in order.

Side Effects & Diversions

2009-03-14T18:43:00.005-04:00

Current side effects of the 2 week wait:

1. Crazy Butt Pain. These progesterone shots are killer. It's not the shot itself, but the aftermath. Yesterday, I felt like a little old lady who needed help just to roll off the couch. In some weird, sadomasachistic way, I actually like these shots because they make me feel like I'm still doing something to keep those little cells viable. Maybe I just got addicted to giving myself shots every night - it sometimes feels like something is missing these days....

2. Cramps. I get nervous when I get them and nervous when I don't. I've read that they're normal and don't mean anything one way or the other, but that sure is hard to buy right now. Yes, I'm still avoiding Dr. Google - he'll be more of an issue next week, if I know me.

3. Anxiety. I'm dealing this by doing nice things for myself. I got a pedicure this afternoon and on the advice of a good friend, purchased a copy of Twilight this afternoon.

Here's to focusing on bloodthirsty vampires instead of dividing embryos.

Thanks, A.

Return to Real Life

2009-03-12T21:12:00.013-04:00

I returned to real life today, and I made it through the day. I'm definitely not on my A-game at work, but I'm doing my best. There were several moments when I became so engrossed in work drama today that I realized afterward I hadn't questioned whether our embryos were still dividing in nearly ten minutes.

The highlight of my day was the welcome back I got from my staff - one of them approached me this morning: "Leslie, we're so glad you're back. I'm just going to tell you on the downlow that people have been talking about where you've been...some people thought that you've been out sick because you're pregnant."

UGH!!! Insert forced laugh here and change subject. Quickly.

Thanks to everyone for all your great comments and support yesterday.

Also of note, I was really moved by Cassandra's post today about Affirmations and thought that you might want to check it out, along with all the comments. Very encouraging. And, by the way, she just got a surprise BFP. Stop by and congratulate her and enjoy a very uplifting post.

One more day down....

P.S. Photo today is what I'm praying is happening in my uterus about now.

This Is Crazy....

2009-03-11T22:22:00.010-04:00

The Embryo High has evaporated.

I wasn't exactly expecting all this: the IVF Two-Week Wait is a new animal to me. Frankly, I didn't realize how emotionally difficult this was going to be.

In fact, I invested so much time and energy getting to this point that I never thought about what comes after. After all of the drama and Divine Intervention of the last few days, I feel like I've entered a desert of some kind - there's nothing for miles and miles and miles.

I am preoccupied with the fact that with Divine Assistance, we created life, and it was subsequently placed in my uterus. I am overwhelmed with this crazy emotional attachment to it, along with a sickening fear about whether or not it's still there.

I know I need to stay positive, keep hopeful, keep the faith.

I just never in a million years realized how hard this was going to be. I can't even fathom how I'm going to feel the night before that pregnancy test.

The IVF 2 week wait is the CROWN JEWEL of all 2 week waits. It doesn't get any more intense than this, at least not in my humble infertility experience.

Pales. In. Comparison.

Words of wisdom from those of you who have been through this would really be welcomed.

Really welcomed.

Praying. Praying. Praying.

Transfer Day

2009-03-10T12:50:00.007-04:00

For anyone out there who is contemplating the pros and cons of IVF, making it to Transfer Day definitely goes in the priceless column. Regardless of the outcome of this whole experience, seeing your little embryos for the first time is a moving achievement in the IF journey.

The clinic staff did an amazing job of making this a very special experience for us, giving us pictures and the petri dish our embryos were growing in. (By the way, I want to post these pictures but am still trying to figure that out).

We were able to see the embryos magnified thousands of times on a television screen as they pulled them up through the catheter.

We put back two embryos - a 7 cell and an 8 cell. Dr. A. said that things looked good - and that the embryos actually looked like they had developed further by the time of transfer (which was later than scheduled originally yesterday).

No word on the other embryos other than they are still growing. We'll find out later as to whether or not they'll make it to freeze.

Today, I'm on bedrest and trying to take it easy. I'm watching my favorite shows and praying at regular intervals that this is going to work.

It's a leap of faith, I know. I feel so much better knowing that we were able to get this far, and I'm just focusing on that right now. I'm trying not to focus too much on the risk we have taken and the fear of failure.

Right now, I'm just enjoying my embryo high.

Thanks again to everyone for your unfailing support and prayers throughout this crazy cycle. You make the experience so much more easy to live through.

We Have Embryos!!!

2009-03-08T10:14:00.004-04:00

Today we are celebrating that this is the absolute closest we've come!! After almost 2 1/2 years and absolutely NO positive pregnancy tests, we have embryos!!!

No matter what happens with this process, I have a renewed hope that I have never experienced before.

The report:

All 9 of our fertilized eggs have divided. The lab says they like to see them at 2-4 cell at this point.

2 are at 4 cell.

1 is a 3 cell.

6 are at 2 cell

One of the 2 cells has a little more fragmentation than they would like.

Transfer is a 3-day - and is scheduled for tomorrow at 2:15.

Please continue to pray for us as we move forward. We are thrilled to have the opportunity to move further into this process with the knowledge that we have what it takes to make these little marvels, which is a tremendous relief to me - no matter what the outcome (Make sure you remind me of that in the 2 week wait - ha ha).

Fertilization Report

2009-03-07T10:41:00.005-05:00

The call finally came around 10 this morning.

Of the 15, 11 were mature, and 9 fertilized. They'll call tomorrow with another update.

We are ecstatic and so blessed this morning.

Update tomorrow.

15

2009-03-06T18:54:00.005-05:00

As I came out of my retrieval haze this morning, the first word I heard L. say was, "15". I absolutely couldn't believe it and apparently retorted, "No, that can't be right. They must mean 1.5."

After this, I asked the nurse for a glass of Pinot Grigio.

They retrieved 15 eggs today. I don't know if my ovaries went into overdrive these last couple of days or what, but I am still shaking my head in disbelief at this number.

Fertilization report will be around 9 a.m. tomorrow. The lab met with us before we left and explained everything they'll be doing with our eggs and sperm today. This is an amazing process, and I am awe-struck by everything they're doing to help us.

We had a fantastic experience with the nursing staff as well - we were the only retrieval this morning so they were able to give us lots of attention, which was very reassuring.

This has been a thrilling day, and I'm trying to stay focused on my faith here. Everything will work out just as it is supposed to, and that's exactly what I'm praying for.

This is uncharted territory for me, however, and I find myself worrying about what's going on in that lab tonight.

This is such an amazing odyssey to share with L., and I feel so close to him right now. Last night when we arrived at our hotel, he gave me a letter he had written about how much he loved my strength through this process and an "IVF present" - a necklace I was admiring the other day.

God has blessed me with an amazing husband.

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us and sending us so much support.

Looks like we're moving on to the next IVF Funhouse room tomorrow.

It's going to be a long night.

Ovarian Update

2009-03-03T18:42:00.005-05:00

We're headed to retrieval.

The Nurse said that things have developed really well over the last 2 days, and that my ovaries seem to be "getting the message".

Final Count: 4 maturing follicles, 2 hopefuls

E2=2125 (promising!)

Trigger: Wednesday night

Appointment with shrink: Thursday

Retrieval: Friday

I am so relieved that we're finally going through with this.

Thank you to everyone who has encouraged me through phone calls, texts, comments, and e-mails these last few days. Your support has been uplifting and much appreciated. I sincerely believe your prayers made all the difference.

I'll keep you posted.

Torn

2009-03-01T21:12:00.006-05:00

If I had one wish today (aside from the obvious cuddly, beautiful infant), it would be that, just once, infertility could be a tiny bit clearer, less murky and generally more cut and dry.

Basically, I'm clamoring to get the hell out of this Funhouse.

Ultrasound results: 6 follicles - 16.5, 13, 12, 11.5, 9.5 and 9.5.

E2=1101

My favorite nurse actually came in on a Sunday just to talk things over with us, which brought tears to my eyes (and, no, it's not just the massive amounts of estrogen flowing through my body).

She said that in no way do any of my test results indicate perimenopause. However, this low follicle count likely means that we are always going to have less to work with in an IVF cycle as it is similar to what we had last cycle on the Lupron (long) protocol. Gulp.

In other words, we're probably never going to skip down the hall after an ultrasound basking in the glow of multitudes of follies. Not going to happen. These are the ovaries I have, and like it or not, this is what they're putting out.

So, it's a matter of rolling the dice - do we want to take the leap of faith with 4 follicles (which might be the best case scenario, given that the 9.5ers probably will not catch up in time)?

We are torn.

On one hand, we know that it takes one egg, one sperm to make an embryo. And, one embryo is all we need.

On the other hand, L. is a medical professional, and we realize that the statitstics aren't good here.

But, let's face it, things probably aren't going to get better in subsequent cycles.

The Plan: In a classic sequence of events I will have to recount later, we began Cetrotide today in an attempt to save the Big Girl (the 16.5er). Continue Menopur and Gonal-F.

Sunday night: Pray.

Monday - Pray. Pray. Pray.

Next ultrasound: Tuesday morning and Pray.

Tuesday afternoon: Deliberation/Decision Time.

Damn, IF really sucks.

Entering the IVF Funhouse

2009-02-27T14:29:00.010-05:00

The IVF Funhouse is a place where there are no answers - not until you finally get out, anyway. One stumbles in, wanders from one room to the next hoping for some direction, some "straightening out", only to be pushed to the next room where things are just as warped as they were in the room before.

It never fails, every time I go into these ultrasounds, I still believe somewhere deep down that I'm going to walk out with something definitive...which never happens in the Funhouse. You're perpetually told by Nurse Nightingales and Ultrasound Techs that you'll need to wait for the next phone call, the next bloodwork, the next ultrasound, etc., etc.

Our ultrasound today wasn't as bad as I thought. L., who has read an ultrasound or two in his time, said that my ovaries looked good - there were numerous follicles, just not big enough to measure yet. I feel a little better because per his medical opinion, my ovaries are nowhere near prunes yet (admittedly, I wonder if he would tell me if they were....).

In fact, I have two measurable follicles - both around 10.5 mm, with about 6-8 close in size, right behind them. E2=381. Not a huge number of follicles, but promising nonetheless. And, certainly more promising than the dark room I wandered out of on Monday.

So, the plan: another ultrasound on Sunday because Dr. A. is concerned about those 10.5'ers growing into the magic 13, which is when Cetrotide becomes a part of the med regimine. She doesn't want for me to ovulate early and wants to catch the magic window as soon as it gets here. Gee, I appreciate her attention to detail here.

Of course, in typical Funhouse Fashion, I am a little confused about whether this is good or bad - I mean at least we have two follicles who look like they're taking off, but I'm worried about them taking over and keeping the others from growing - which seems to be my pattern.

Who can tell?

No choice but to sit back and see what Funhouse Fun awaits us in the next room. Stay tuned.

Why?

2009-02-23T20:40:00.004-05:00

Why this is all happening is a question I ask myself countless times a day. I know there are many people in my life who believe L. and I are "too preoccupied" with having a baby and that if only we would destress, slow down and relax, a baby would magically appear.

Of course, I know this isn't the case, and I also know damn well that the scientific odds are stacking up against us every day.

Especially today.

Today, I got the go ahead from Dr. A. to start stimming tomorrow morning. When I asked the RN about my antral follicle count, she paused, took a deep breath and barreled forward. I could tell it was a question she didn't want to answer.

She said that I have "3 or 4" follicles on each ovary, a number well below the average for my age. This was also the case last month, something that I didn't want to look at or think about, so I just didn't.

I suppose IVF is sort of like Pandora's Box that way - one learns things that might have been best unsaid, unknown. We are proceeding with this cycle, come what may because Dr. A. doesn't think the numbers are going to get any better, and we're moving forward under much less than ideal circumstances.

I can't say I'm looking forward to this, and I can't say I'm even hopeful. I don't understand how we got here. I had convinced myself that my ovaries were okay, but today I learned that they are "sluggish" and "working really hard to produce a small number of follicles".

Not a good sign.

Menopur every morning; Gonal-F injections every night. First ultrasound: Friday.

Close Encounters of the Jackass Kind

2009-02-22T08:48:00.008-05:00

On Friday I started spotting and called the Clinic, fearing that we might miss our window if I actually waited for red blood flow like a normal person. Thus, Dr. A. wanted me to drive up for an ultrasound on Saturday.

Fortunately, my sister came into town on Friday afternoon and since L. was working, we made the drive together on Saturday morning.

I lost track of the speed limit somewhere between discussing her latest male conquest and the injustice of her friend who got a girl pregnant during their 2 month relationship which has subsequently ended in paternity testing and attorneys (EERRGGHH!! Stories like that drive me mad!!!).

When (20-something) Mr. Cop Jackass pulled us over, I began inwardly perseverating over how long he was going to detain us and whether or not I would make the appointment on time.

Mr. Cop Jackass: "Good Morning. Where are you ladies headed this morning?"

Me: "We're going to the Clinic."

Mr. Cop Jackass: "Oh, well, what takes you to the Clinic?"

Me (Seriously consider telling him it was none of his damn business, before my fear of a $200 ticket in addition to the $300+ for today's ultrasound overtook me, making me a bit of a pansy ass.): "Ummmm, infertility treatment."

Mr. Cop Jackass: "Oh, so nothing emergent."

Me (Uhhh, dude, I turn 35 less than 3 months, so it sure feels emergent to me): "Well...actually, it is pretty emergent."

Mr. Cop Jackass (with only the faintest flash of embarrassment): "Well, I'm going to let you off with a warning this time, but you need to slow it down."

YES!!!!

I'm sure Mr. Cop Jackass was inwardly applauding his own virility, thinking IF would never happen to him and his super masculine sperm, but at least he found it in his heart to let me get to my appointment, without adding another $200 to the debt pile.

The ultrasound showed that my lining (12) is too thick for meds, and it needs to shed.

A.F. swooshed in around 11 p.m. last night.

I'll call for next steps today, but I'm sensing re-entry into the IVF Funhouse.

IVF: The Hard Sell?

2009-02-16T22:22:00.007-05:00

On Monday I called IVF Clinic #3, an operation that just opened in town. The Clinic is new, an offshoot of a larger clinic about an hour away, poised to take over this City because the clinic here (IVF Clinic #1, whom we fired long ago) truly sucks. (Our Clinic is 2 hours away, and going there was a very calculated decision after much consternation and research).

I called the office manager simply to ask if this new Clinic would be willing to take care of my monitoring. My empty uterus is tiring of hanging out in the OB waiting room alongside at least 20 pregnant bellies, all belonging to starry-eyed fertiles anticipating their magical moment ahead with the vagina cam.

Clinic #3's office manager, Michelle, was more than happy to respond to my request.

Before I knew it, Michelle spawned into a female version of Herb of WKRP fame, trying to sell me a used car. She proceeded to insult my current doctor, insisting that it would be "so easy" to fire Clinic #2 and use her clinic instead for our IVF cycle.

Me: Well, I'm not sure how we feel about switching at this point in the game, and our Clinic has a really renowned reputation.

Michelle/Herb: You know, Leslie, you all have dealt with a lot of setbacks with this. Maybe it was all meant to be - we're up and running and would be much closer to you. Maybe you were meant to go through IVF with us.

Me: Again, I just wanted to talk about ultrasounds and bloodwork. And, my husband is working late tonight. I'm not going to make any decisions without him.

Michelle/Herb: Really, Leslie, I can get you in with one of our docs first thing in the morning. Let me go over our price list with you.

Me: Goodbye.

I hung up the phone feeling violated. What kind of an idiot do you think I am? We spent months researching Clinic #2, and yes, Nurse Nightingale made a critical mistake last cycle. But, how stupid (and vulnerable) do you think I am?

Okay, I may be vulnerable and infertile, but I'm not an idiot.

Needless to say, looks like we're sticking with the OB-GYN.

Seeing the shrink tomorrow, and looking forward to it.

Weekly Highlights

2009-02-12T22:29:00.009-05:00

1. I received an e-vite to a former coworker's baby shower. Ummm, no.

2. The obligatory work baby shower: I supervise a girl who is pregnant and was asked by another staff I supervise when we were going to start planning the shower.

My response: "Thanks for volunteering."

3. A former staff decided to pop in to show off her newborn baby. I pasted a smile on my face and forced myself out of my office to ooh and ahh about how wonderful she looks and how beautiful the baby is. As talk turned to the great tax break she got for her newborn child (apparently, the government loves fertiles too), she said, "Hey, do you girls mind if I breast feed?"

Ummmm, seriously?

Officially Lapped

2009-02-08T13:49:00.003-05:00

Back in November, I went to coffee with a good friend of mine who I was sure was going to confirm what I already knew - that she was pregnant with #2.

The confirmation didn't come that night.

The evening was uneventful, and in the days that followed, before I knew it, two months had passed since we had spoken. This was previously a very close relationship, - we just seem to have less and less in common lately. It just feels like we don't fit anymore.

Nonetheless, I received the following e-mail from her last week:

Dear Leslie,

First of all, I apologize that I am writing you this in an email - please don't misunderstand it as impersonal or a lack of courage. I know that I can only try to imagine how you are feeling right now, but I think that I would prefer to receive these news in a way where I get a chance to digest it and do not have to make a happy face to my friend's bittersweet news. I guess, in the end, there is no perfect way to say this...

I am writing you today to tell you that I am pregnant. I know how hard it must be for you to hear yet another pregnancy announcement right now and how much it must hurt you. But not telling you wouldn't be fair either. Please do not feel like you have to react to this email right away. I am also not expecting you to sound excited when we do talk. I understand. I just want you to be yourself and say what you're feeling. Let's get together for coffee soon. Just let me know when is good for you.

I'm sorry, Leslie.

I have been so pained by this that I haven't responded, and I'm struggling with what to do here. Yes, I realize that it was incredibly thoughtful of her, and she is a very special person. I do not want to lose this relationship.

However, I don't feel like I can handle this right now. "Not talking about it" would be like ignoring the elephant in the living room, and sitting there across from her at coffee would be so painful for me. I remember when she told me she was pregnant with #1 - we had just gotten married and were getting ready to start trying ourselves. It's amazing to me that here we are, almost three years later and we're still running in place.

I'm interested in your thoughts and opinions about this before I respond.

Is it possible to take a Friendship Holiday?

The Gremlins in My Back Seat

2009-02-05T18:58:00.004-05:00

Approximately 10 minutes into my session with the Infertility Shrink today, she stopped me and said, "You've already given up on this, haven't you?"

I sat there in disbelief that this woman deciphered my soul in all of a few minutes. (Damn, I'm one complex chick.)

And, I admitted it: "Yes, I've decided that IVF isn't going to work for us."

She responded by saying, "You're not ready for this then."

Then she broke it down for me: I have "befriended" all of the painful disappointments over the last 27 months: Every month of negatives, every failed treatment cycle, every pain at someone else being pregnant (again), every moment of utter hell this experience has catalyzed. These failings are all sitting right behind me. And, I spend a lot of time nurturing these little "friends", feeding them, caring for them and in general, feeling sorry for myself (which I absolutely will not deny).

In turn, they're holding me back and prohibiting me from looking forward.

I argued with her at first, telling her that I'm not into this positive thinking stuff because, come on, IVF is anything but a rainbows and butterflies kind of experience.

And, she agreed with that. However, she said that IVF is moving forward, and it's the movement toward our dream of becoming parents that we want. Meanwhile, the Gremlins in my backseat are tugging at me, begging me to stay back with them and have a few drinks. And, frankly, I find the Gremlins hard to resist - the pain of infertility sucks, and there's just nothing like a little self pity to take the edge off.

However, my IF Shrink says that I need to be in a better place if we're going to proceed with this cycle. And if I keep looking backward, hanging out with my Gremlin pals, I'm not going to be able to move onward.

I knew last week that I needed to get a grip on my perspective. My Shrink says that I have to accept that this is our experience, and that it is independent of everyone else's pregnancies, babies and children.

She said that I also have to accept the timing element of this thing (and the lack of control I have over it). If we haven't come through an IVF cycle yet, then the timing wasn't right, and when it is, we will move through.

And, I need to learn to squash those dumbasses in the backseat.

Overheard...

2009-02-02T18:10:00.006-05:00

I had the privilege of overhearing these "gemstone conversations" at work this week:

1. Girls at Work: "Yes, my sister had her baby this weekend. They're planning to have another one in 2010 because they've had one in 2008 and 2009. Isn't that funny?"

In My Head: Ummm, Ha. Ha. I can't believe people (i.e. bunny rabbits) actually plan this baby thing like planning a vacation or buying a new car and that it actually comes to fruition.

Cannot identify on any level.

2. Girl at Work (who incidentally happens to be aware of my situation): "My husband and I are going to try and start getting pregnant this year. I'm telling you, I don't dread labor and delivery - I dread that first 3 months of pregnancy. I just don't even know how I'll make it through all the morning sickness that my mother had."

In My Head: Ummm, excuse me while I throw up at the grotesque superficiality and naivity of this little gemstone of a comment. This statement is from a girl who is totally aware that I am begging my doctor to allow me to inject my belly with a hormonal cocktail. Need I say more?

Again, cannot identify on any level.

It's amazing how IF has changed my perspective. I suppose these are things I would have laughed at or commented on three years ago. Now, I just shake my head and get the hell out of the room as quickly as possible.

And, if I hear one more thing about the octuplets...

Damn good thing therapy is scheduled for Thursday.

Back to the (in)Fertility Shrink

2009-01-29T18:48:00.007-05:00

I made an appointment with the (in)Fertility Shrink for next Thursday. I haven't seen her in several months, but I am going to have get some perspective on all of this - I'm not doing very well with it at all.

I've been asking myself a very difficult question since yesterday, and it keeps going through my head over and over again: Why didn't I call earlier? Why did I wait until 10 days after I stopped the pill to call those nurses?

I am not blaming myself for this. I am, however, questioning the fact that I am not a lackadaisical person about these kinds of things. I am the overly worried, neurotic, anal-retentive patient who begs the ultrasound tech to tell me everything she's seeing as she sees it. I carry a green three ring binder to all my appointments. I am the patient who drives these nurses crazy with question after question.

My sister called me Monday evening and asked, "So, has it started yet?"

My response was, "No, and I'm not really worried about it. It'll start when it starts."

That's not like me because I really was feeling a sense of apathy. Obviously. I waited 10 whole days to do anything about it.

I think a part of me is so tired that I don't even want to think about it anymore. I've enjoyed my break, and I'm not overly enthused about getting back into the game.

So tell me, have you ever just felt like enough is enough, and how in the hell did you find it in yourself to keep trudging through this?

By the way, this is not a rhetorical question - I would really like your feedback. I need some momentum. Badly.

I Am So Over This Whole Thing

2009-01-28T15:27:00.006-05:00

I've really had it.

Apparently, Nurse Nightingale forgot to explain to me that I should be looking for a little spotting and not a full blown period. So, I missed it.

Seriously?

I called the Clinic today, and they said that I have to wait for my next period (which is probably about 3 weeks away) because I somehow should have known that a little spotting was my period this cycle. I've been sitting around waiting for the real thing. Then, it's baseline all over again, and I guess stims - I'm waiting to hear back from them about that part.

I am furious with her for not explaining that for me. I am furious with myself for not being more proactive by calling sooner. And I am most furious with the fact that we even have to go through this crazy madness.

This is getting ridiculous.

I am beginning to think that we aren't supposed to do this. It's like we can't even get past the starting line, and I'm so tired of going through this again and again.

So, I'm feeling sorry for myself because I don't understand why this is happening or what I've done in my life to deserve this misery (must have been something pretty damned bad). It just keeps happening over and over again, and I'm just exhausted of dealing with all the pregnant people, the fact that my 35th birthday is about 4 months away and the fact that practically everyone I know is well into their child bearing/having experience.

So, if we go forward (and I guess we don't have a choice since the money is already out there), we're looking at yet another month away.

I'm so tired.

Aunt Flo is an Ugly Trog!

2009-01-24T11:58:00.006-05:00

Well, Auntie (Bitchass) Flo is taking her sweet time...still sitting here waiting for something to happen.

I've been a little crampy here and there - I'm guessing it will be Monday or so before she finally decides to ride into town. Our 2K worth of meds will have to refrigerate until she gets here.

On a positive note (and I have to think of something positive these days), I will admit I have enjoyed my extra week of lattes.

It's a Go...Today, Anyway

2009-01-19T22:18:00.012-05:00

I'm still on the bandwagon, as of today. This cycle I am just realistic - my goal is just to hold onto the wagon and remain in the process as long as I can. Vanished is my idealistic self who used to believe that a girl could give herself a few shots, go through an egg retrieval and end up with a few embryos. I get it now - it's an accomplishment just to make it from one step to the next.

Baseline ultrasound and E2 levels indicate that we can move ahead, per Nurse Nightingale. The cyst is still present on my left ovary, but is the same size. No worries about it presently.

Now, I'm just waiting for Aunt Flo to appear. Meds will start on Day #3.

As is typical in IF Land, I am now waiting again and mentally preparing for the numerous (additional) questions that will no doubt arise in the next few days.

Ugh.

Facebook Finer Points and The Plan

2009-01-17T10:28:00.008-05:00

When my friend A. talked me into this Facebook thing, I joined with some hesitation. I was expecting lots of questions from the people of my past about how many kids we have and/or why the hell we haven't popped one out.

That's hasn't exactly been the case.

While most of the time I find Facebook rather amusing, I am astounded when I see someone much, much younger than me with kids who look like they're about to enter high school. At those moments, I force myself to push forward (without torturing myself with their photos), reminding myself that I thank God every day I did not procreate with the "Men of My 20s".

Moving onward with The Plan -

We have our baseline ultrasound scheduled for Monday at 11 a.m. L. has been educated in the finer points of mixing Menopur via phone. Nurse Nightingale was a little hesitant about this initially, insinuating that we may have to drive the 2 hours to the clinic to learn this "IVF skill". However, L. talked her into a phone course, and she ultimately said he did a "great job".

It's moments like these when I realize how far I have come - I would have been PETRIFIED about this kind of thing a few months ago, and my confidence has now grown to the point that surely if I can give myself injections, surely I can mix up some powder and saline with L's tutelage.

If all goes well with the ultrasound, we'll start stimming on Day 3 of my upcoming cycle.

Trying to stay hopeful...by the way, today's image is my attempt at positive visualization. This is our beautiful goal ahead!!!

Silver Linings and Ship Jumpers

2009-01-13T19:28:00.009-05:00

This weekend, my sisters, mom, aunt and cousin came to help me paint a wall in my home as we are getting ready to put our house on the market. They all know what a stressor this house-selling thing is for me, and they wanted to alleviate as much of my anxiety as possible in hopes of helping with our upcoming IVF cycle.

I marveled at the love I felt at being so "taken care of" by these phenomenal women who support me implicitly.

Over my 34 years (10 of which have been spent in the counseling profession), I've been exposed to many stories of human adversity and the way it often leads to the scattering of so-called friends.

I never believed it, really. The truth is, I never believed it would happen to me, that is.

Until now, I didn't realize that life's storms are often more than some people can handle. I could have never predicted who would earnestly hang with me and who would run for cover (or jump off the Titanic, as my sister puts it so eloquently).

Perhaps the silver lining of these ship-jumpers is the renewed appreciation in those people in your life who continually cheer you on, who listen and who even let you get by with a bad attitude here and there because of the adversity.

So, if you're reading this, thank you. It undoubtedly means that you are part of the silver lining of another otherwise perilous journey.

Protocol Is In...

2009-01-05T22:01:00.017-05:00

Nurse Nightingale called this afternoon with my brand new protocol.

Here's the plan:

Birth control pills until 1/18/09

Call Nurse Nightingale THE MINUTE Aunt Flo swooshes in

Baseline on cycle day 2 or 3

Begin 150 mg. Gonal F in the morning

Begin 150 mg. of Menopur at night

When follicles reach 13 mm, begin using Cetrocide

If everything goes according to plan (and I am based in reality this cycle, so that's a big IF), egg retrieval and transfer should be sometime early February.

I know very little about Menopur and Cetrocide other than that I am being fed no drugs which directly suppress ovarian function. Per Nightingale, my brain will be doing the work.

Hmmm..that sounds eerily reminiscent of Clomid, my scary drug.

I'm actually feeling fortunate that Dr. A. doesn't want to do "more of the same". When you're playing around with this kind of money, it's nice to know there's a little variety in the gamble, particularly when last time was such a flop.

Here's to a very expensive rendezvous with the pharmacy....

Ready for Reality

2009-01-04T23:26:00.006-05:00

Call me crazy, but I'm ready to return to work tomorrow. I'm really ready to focus on something other than my vacant uterus.

I knew I was ready to return to work when I felt angry, annoyed and irritated with every mommy at the grocery store today. I kept looking at these blissfully happy women and wondering to myself, "What the hell does your uterus have that mine doesn't?"

Definitely time to return to the grind. 8 a.m. can't get here quickly enough.

Let the Roller Coaster Ride Begin! (With a Twist of Irony, Of Course)

2009-01-03T11:34:00.016-05:00

Yesterday I called the Clinic and left a message that my cycle start date was 12/31 and that I wanted to see about getting orders from Dr. A. so we could start moving forward. I presumed I wouldn't start anything until Lupron around the 20th of Jan.

Couple of hours later I received a voicemail (I missed the call - UGH!) from the nurse saying that Dr. A. has written our orders and that since she's changing our protocol for this cycle (which I didn't know until I received this message), we just missed the "window of opportunity" for this month but would have "plenty of time" to get things started with my next cycle.

Ummm, no, waiting is not an option.

She said that if we had questions, we could call back. Due to their reduced Holiday hours, they would be leaving at 4:30, and would return to full hours on Monday.

It was 4:26 when I received this message. So, I called back, no answer.

I freaked out for the next few minutes and then decided to call back again. It was 4:32.

The nurse answered (for which I'm convinced she deserves the Nurse Nightingale Award).

She said that Dr. A. wants to change my protocol, which means birth control pills beginning on cycle day 3. Since we connected, we're going to be able to proceed this month, and the nurse agreed to call in my birth control pills.

But, birth control pills? Seriously?

I've read that this is a standard sort of thing for IVF, but in my mind, it is the ultimate irony. I can't believe I'm officially back on the pill. I popped my first one last night.

So, I'm 34 years old, have been trying to conceive for 26 cycles and I'm taking the pill again. This roller coaster sucks.

We still have some kinks to work out on Monday about the stims she wants to use, but IVF attempt #2 is officially in motion.

Will keep you posted.

Hello, 2009!

2009-01-02T12:07:00.016-05:00

I've always loved the New Year because it affords me an opportunity to be a little sentimental and philosophical about the passing year. Last year, I created a Top Ten list for our Christmas cards, reflecting back over the events occurring in our family over the course of 2007.

This year, I didn't have the creative energy to put it together (along with the energy to do much of anything "Holiday-related"), but now that it's Jan. 2 (IT'S FINALLY HERE!!), I have developed a new energy to document 2008's highlights, so here goes:

10. I ran a minimarathon with my good friend Angela. It was an amazing experience, and I loved every minute of it. I'm excited about doing it again someday.

9. Vacations to Boston and Washington D.C. Great trips, and according to everyone I know with kids, someday I'll be even more grateful for these "pre-kid" memories.

8. Starting a new job. It wasn't something I expected out of the year, but it was a tremendous gift all in all.

7. Discovering the blog world. This is certainly one of the best things that happened to me this year. Blogging has become an incredible, invaluable therapy for me through this infertility experience.

6. Progress in Infertility-ville: We endured half of an IVF cycle and 3 IUIs in 2008. Sure, none of them were successful, but we made it anyway (i.e. we're still alive).

5. L. started interviewing for jobs. This is a major hurdle in our lives as he's been in school for a very long time, and hopefully, life is going to settle down a little in 2009.

4. Significant family events: My sister broke up with her commitment-phobic boyfriend (this time, it's for good) and L.'s brother got married (my new sister-in-law and are far from what I would call "best friends", but we've managed to find some common ground with each other because, after all, what choice do we have?).

3. I endured IF and it's impact on my friendships. Some of this has been a disappointing (and harrowing) experience, but I've moved on nonetheless and am learning the merits of self-care.

2. I am learning that maybe unexplained infertility is a decent diagnosis if you have to have a diagnosis at all. I'm still working on this one, but L. almost has me convinced.

1. I feel closer than ever to my wonderful, amazing, committed, loyal husband. And, it just doesn't get better than that. No, I can't say that my #1 2008 is a positive pregnancy test, or the birth of a child. What I can say with absolute certainty, however, is that I am married to the most wonderful person for me on Earth.

So, that's my Top Ten List for the year. I'm going to dive back into the blogging world - I've missed you all, and I'm ready to start plugging along with you again.

Happy 2009. I hope it's "The Year" for us all.

By the way, we had a great kid-free New Year's, and it really rocked!! :)

Also, to celebrate the long-awaited arrival of January 2, I called the Clinic to let them know that we're ready to get started on the IVF thing again. Looks like Lupron will start around the 20th.

Contemplations and Things

2008-12-18T20:52:00.004-05:00

I really haven't disappeared.

Things I've Contemplated Since I Last Posted:

1. Where are we going to be with this by this time next year?

2. Why is it that I have the most beautiful, flowing cervical mucous at just the right time and still can't get pregnant? I just don't get it.

3. Why can't I get excited about the Holidays?

4. Is this seriously Cycle #26???

5. When will I start Lupron again?

6. Where are we going to be with this by this time next year?

Hoping against hope that this is the Golden-Ticket-Hail-Mary-Month.

So, how many more days until Jan. 2?

Postscript: Thanks for the tags - I just haven't had the energy to respond. I know if there's anyone in the universe who totally gets that, it's you all. Thank you for that.

Fighting Scrooge

2008-12-07T15:14:00.023-05:00

As the Advent Calendar whizzes past, I am wrestling with Scrooge this Holiday Season, and in most instances, he's winning. I just can't quite get into the Spirit, the music, the lights, the presents and am patiently awaiting January 2.

So, in an effort to move past the Bah-Humbug, I've been pondering what my Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future would like like:

The Ghost of Christmas Past: Zuzu Bailey

As I get older, I realize just how idyllic my Christmases Past were. My whole family, snug in our home, opening Christmas cards, laughing, giving and receiving gifts. The best part was being surrounded by all of my siblings with my parents. The Christmases of my childhood were full of love, affection and an excitement I can't quite explain. These Holidays filled me with a sense of optimism about living, hope for the Season and for the upcoming year.

The Ghost of Christmas Present: Charlie Bucket

Christmas Present is a surreal experience, kind of like wandering through the Chocolate Factory for the first time. There are moments in my life right now when I really feel complete joy and happiness: watching Christmas movies with L., making Christmas plans with L. and generally knowing that I am experiencing IF with the most wonderful person on Earth. Christmas Present is also a time of unknowns, hormonal potions and moments of disbelief that we are here, wandering through IF.

Christmas Present is a time of tremendous ambiguity: feeling blessed and loved while struggling with anxiety and fear of what's ahead.

The Ghost of Christmas Future: The Man Behind the Curtain

The Ghost of Christmas Future is the Wizard, standing behind a curtain, deviously deciding what is going to happen to us next. Frankly, this is the first Holiday Season in which I'm wondering if the Wizard is ever going to decide to give us a baby. This feeling is probably where Scrooge lives - I want to feel more hopeful, and for some reason I can't.

This experience is arduous and draining, and for the first time in my life I'm starting to wonder, really wonder, if the Man Behind the Curtain is ever going to give us what we so desperately want.

***

I suppose Zuzu (and George Bailey, for that matter) would say that the Ghost of Christmas Future should look like this:

I'm working on it.

My Drug Holiday

2008-12-02T22:16:00.006-05:00

I spoke to my nurses today, and they assured me (as have many of you) that starting your period while on progesterone (especially suppositories) is something that can happen, and is no real reason for alarm.

They offered to let me start meds in late December, and after considering the possibility of Lupron under the Christmas tree, I politely declined.

I've decided that I am in desperate need of a Drug Holiday, and I'll worry about Lupron and stims in 2009. Thus, the remainder of 2008 will be spent doing the following:

1. Taking a HOT, HOT bath every single night.

2. Drinking Pinot Grigio whenever I damn well feel like it.

3. Exercising (i.e. running) whenever I damn well feel like it.

4. Drinking loads and loads of caffeine in the form of peppermint mochas and lattes whenever I damn well feel like it.

So, the plan is that we will reinitiate our attempt at IVF #1 in January, probably between the 15th and 20th.

Nightie Night. I'm off to take a plunge in a boiling, hot bathtub.

The Vacation is Officially OVER

2008-12-01T21:02:00.007-05:00

Well, after 8 weeks of a beach vacation, AF is mad as Hell about returning to work.

Sunday: Day 14 post ovulation = pregnancy test = NEGATIVE. After testing, I forced myself to leave the house to buy a Starbucks peppermint mocha and promptly returned to bed to drink it while watching cheesy Christmas movies.

Today: Started spotting, which amazes me given that I'm still taking progesterone as instructed (they said to keep taking it through until Day 17 - post ovulation). AF has definitely broken through - the cramps are already starting.

(Incidentally, have any of you ever heard of starting your period while ON progesterone? I'm starting to wonder if we've stumbled onto some sort of explanation...)

It's going to be a rough one.

26 cycles down.

Ugh.

Wondering if this is ever going to end.

Progesterone is a Jedi Mind Trick

2008-11-25T21:39:00.003-05:00

The last words of Suzie Angel Nurse keep ringing in my ears throughout this blasted two week wait (By the way, I'm convinced this woman was part of a Divine Intervention the day of our IUI. She was so perfect, I'm not sure she's actually human):

"Now, don't get too excited if you start having pregnancy symptoms this month. Progesterone is what the body produces when you're pregnant, so you might start feeling some things that make you think you might be, and I don't want for you to be disappointed..."

So, while AF is on hiatus, probably laying on a beach somewhere laughing her evil laugh, relishing the thought of resurfacing in our lives in a couple of weeks, the Jedi Mind Trick is here in full force.

Now, let me reitterate, I have NO idea what it would "feel like" to be pregnant. After all, the closest I've been to being pregnant in my 34 years was when I lost my virginity and spent the next 5 weeks obsessing that my period wasn't going to start.

However, this stuff is a crazy-making drug. I can convince myself (more easily than usual) that I'm feeling things I've never felt before, and that maybe, just maybe, this is it.

But, let's get real. AF is rolling over to get some sun on her ass about now, and she'll be ready to swoop in as soon as I throw in the towel with these suppositories.

On a completely unrelated note, I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving. One of the things I am most thankful for this year is all of you who take a moment to read my rants.

I don't know how I dealt with this beast of a disease before I discovered the blog world.

You all rock.

Coffee & Getting Lapped

2008-11-23T19:06:00.007-05:00

I'm going to coffee (decaf of course) this evening with my friend who has been avoiding me lately.

I think that she's getting ready to break the news that we've been "lapped". She has a beautiful daughter who will be 2 in February, and I know they've been working on Number 2. Given that the first child was conceived after 3 sexual encounters in one month, I am sure that Number 2 is right around the corner.

I'm feeling sad about the friendships in my life that have been tested by infertility. I know that she's dreading telling me news that should be so joyous and wonderful for her to share, and I hate the way I feel about it.

L. & I moved here over three years ago, and I encountered several girls who I became very close to in a relatively short period of time. My struggle with IF has threatened those relationships in ways they would have never been tested if only we had conceived along with everyone else, when we first started trying.

And, now here we are over 2 years later, still trying, still struggling. Again, it feels like everyone is moving along ahead of us, and I can't help but feel angry about the fact that their relationships with each other were never tested the way mine has been with them - simply because I've been dealing with an issue that they cannot understand. And, really, they can't understand.

I suppose it is simply easier for them to be friends with someone who connects with them as "new moms".

On the other hand, and more important, I am grateful for the way IF has cemented so many other relationships in my life. I have a renewed appreciation for my mom, for my old friends and for my entire family. Struggling through this with the people who stick with you gives the relationship a whole new layer of history.

That's a better perspective, isn't it?

Seriously? Part II

2008-11-22T15:54:00.007-05:00

In another "Seriously?" moment, today I'm wondering what kind of world are we living in when a "man" can get pregnant TWICE in less time than it takes for me to see even a faint glimmer of two pink lines?

I consider myself a pretty liberal thinker, but I can't believe I'm actually jealous of a man who is with child.

IF is making me crazy...or maybe it's all the progesterone.

Unbelievable.

IUI #3

2008-11-18T23:05:00.009-05:00

Another two-week wait is officially underway.

IUI #3 went well on Sunday. We had an amazing RN. She spent the first 10 minutes post-IUI reviewing all of the things we should feel good about (i.e. thickness of my uterine lining, follicles, sperm count, etc.).

She then went through a visualization exercise about what we hope is going to be happening over the next few days (i.e. that sperm and egg are actually going to meet up down there, start dividing and find a safe spot they like in the uterine lining). And, yes, I posted the pictures she gave us on our bathroom wall.

Currently, I'm enjoying a week of no ultrasounds, no anxiously jumping out of my seat during meetings to take "the call from the clinic", no post-phone-call-breakdowns with L. and Mom and, last but not least, progesterone suppositories.

And, it just doesn't get any better than progesterone suppositories...twice a day no less.

Kidding.

Curveballs and Searching for Opal

2008-11-15T06:39:00.012-05:00

After a couple of days to reflect, pray and nestle into the cocoon of supportive blogger and in-real-life friends and family, I'm ready to get back on the saddle.

Thank you to everyone who followed my blog, text messaged, called, and emailed. I can't tell you what it meant to feel surrounded by so much love during this time of great disappointment.

On Wednesday I felt like someone had snatched tickets to the World Series out of my hand and replaced them with admittance to a minor league baseball game. I was deeply moved this week by an e-mail message from a good friend of mine: Even curveballs produce homeruns, you know.

So today, we head two hours north for an IUI tomorrow morning.

Final numbers:

E2=712

3 (measurable) follicles (20, 20, 16.5)

Trigger shot last night.

Praying for the best and a little Opal Optimism in lieu of my good friend Debbie D.

I Hate to Be a Debbie Downer, But...

2008-11-12T18:54:00.016-05:00

...I am.

E2 = 278

Follicles with hope of maturing = 3

We're screwed for this cycle. We're going to do one more ultrasound, and then they're recommending IUI on Sunday with plans to reconfigure my meds "if we don't conceive".

Please. The jig's up, let's face it.

This is probably related to my long stint on Lupron thanks to my beautiful cyst. At least, that's what I'm hoping. The Debbie-Downer part of me is wondering if this is some sort of sign that there are some other horrible things at play here. My RN doesn't seem to think so, and neither does L., but frankly, I think I have a right to be Debbie-Downer today given that I'm dealing with this news with massive amounts of hormones floating around in my body...needlessly, I might add.

Not much else to say except that life really sucks today.

Jumping Hurdles on Hormones Really Bites

2008-11-10T18:41:00.012-05:00

Okay, so this is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.

Frankly, this IVF hurdle thing is my own little personal version of hell. Just when you think that you've accomplished something, another hurdle appears in front of the one that just zapped all your energy. And, I'm living through all of this under the influence of drugs that make me weepy about absolutely everything. (Clomid might be evil, but these hormones are enough to make me wonder how I'm going to get through my next work meeting without tears streaming down my cheeks because my pen ran out of ink.)

So, ultrasound #1 is history. Since my clinic is two hours away, my OB-GYN offered to do my monitoring. While I was grateful to not have to return to the fertility clinic here in town (a place which I detest passionately), undergoing ultrasounds amongst the pregnant may not have been the best choice while these hormones are swimming around my body. Also, it took my doctor's office way too long to send results to the Clinic we're using, which really almost pushed me over the edge today. Obviously, I'm going to have to discuss that with someone there tomorrow to keep it from being an issue on Wednesday.

Nonetheless, results from the world's most thorough ultrasound tech (I've never had a longer ultrasound):

-14 follicles total - 4 are currently measurable (10, 10, 10 1/2 and 12).

-Estradiol = 90 (A little low, according to my RN. I'm wondering if this could be attributed to my extended time on Lupron and will be consulting with Hannah the acupuncturist about this tonight.)

And, of course, I am now obsessed with estradiol and have googled it at least 10 times in the last 2 hours. And, with that, my next hurdle was born: PLEASE INCREASE!!!!

On a positive note, as I was awaiting my ultrasound this morning, a pregnant woman sat down beside me and overheard my conversation with my RN I had to call from my cell phone. When I hung up, she asked if I was doing IVF with the Clinic. I said yes, and she said that she did as well. In fact, while her first fresh cycle was not successful, both of her children were the results of Frozen Embryo Transfers from her original cycle. In a word where I literally feel surrounded by the easy-breezy pregnant, it was nice to hear that this morning.

So, that's today's story. I have a completely renewed appreciation, respect and deep admiration for all of you who have gone through this IVF thing and lived to tell the story. I thought about each of you many times as I sloshed through this day.

Acupuncture tonight, more shots tonight, and tomorrow night. Next ultrasound Wednesday.

On to the next hurdle...

Let the Stims Begin!

2008-11-07T23:00:00.000-05:00

After a visit with Hannah the acupuncturist, tonight was Stim Night #1.

The Good News: It wasn't that bad. And, fortunate for everyone around me, I'm sure it will take awhile for the evil side effects to kick in.

The Bad News: We realized we're probably going to have to buy more medicine. We hadn't really looked at what they sent versus the dosage. And, well, last night we did.

However, today I am focusing my energy on healthy follicle development.

Mental Note to Self: Every ounce of nervous energy is energy that needs to be rerouted to the healthy, beautiful follicles.

Not easy for me, but I'm working on it.

First ultrasound is Monday.

Hurdles and Shrinking Cysts

2008-11-01T06:37:00.007-04:00

When we first decided to "do IVF", I mistakenly (and naively) thought that we would go through the process and quickly reach D-Day when we would receive a call from a nurse telling us whether or not it worked.

I was so wrong. I look back on that presumption now and realize how ridiculous it was.

I am quickly learning that IVF is a succession of hurdles, and making it to Transfer Day is a huge accomplishment by itself, regardless of the ultimate outcome of the whole thing.

Yesterday, Dr. A. granted us access to our next hurdle. The Incredible Shrinking Cyst (which by itself has added roughly $1000 to the pricetag of this whole thing) is now half its original size, so we can proceed onward.

Great news.

However, despite receiving news worthy of celebrating, L. actually had to stop me in the parking garage of the Clinic to remind me to take joy in this. It took my mind literally less than five minutes to frantically move on to the next worry.

This weekend I am concentrating on taking a moment to enjoy that we actually received good news yesterday. IF can be a journey of crushed hopes, friends who disappoint, slamming doors, mean nurses and quirky doctors, and it is so very important that Oct. 31, 2008 be recorded in our story as a good day.

Halloween 2008 was the day L. smiled as he looked at my "healthy ovaries" on the ultrasound, the day we were met with a warm, genuine nurse (we love our new Clinic), the day we were told that the Incredible Cyst was indeed shrinking, and the day that we learned we have "lots of nice looking antral follicles" to stimulate.

Ultimately, it was the day we jumped another hurdle together.

Stims begin next week.

Halloween 2008: Trick or Treat?

2008-10-29T21:48:00.010-04:00

Halloween 2007 Flashback: L. & I passed out sweets to 50-75 Batmans, Princesses and Witches in our neighborhood. And, each and every time we threw a piece of chocolate into a child's orange, plastic jack-o-lantern, we happily thought that next year we would be pregnant or that we might have a little tiny baby of our own.

Flashforward to Halloween 2008: We will be traveling to the Clinic for yet another ultrasound in hopes that "the cyst" has disappeared into infinity. I can't believe I'm saying this, but the ultimate Halloween "Treat" would be permission from Dr. A. to start shooting up with the hundreds-of-dollars-worth-of hormones sitting in our fridge instead of just looking at them every time I pull out the purified water.

Amazing where a year can take you. I would have never in a million years thought that 2008 would bring us a real, live, fresh IVF cycle. Hell, I'm still not convinced it's going to bring us a real, live, fresh IVF cycle.

But, here's to hoping and praying.....please send us your positive vibes and prayers.

A Lesson in Self Preservation

2008-10-28T07:55:00.000-04:00

I'm going to send my IVF friend a letter explaining my absence as she officially enters the mommyhood. The act of sending this really does go along with the old adage, "This hurts me more than it hurts you." (Ahha!....so this must be what self-preservation feels like).

After a lot of mental anguish, I've decided that being around her negative outlook is not good for me right now, but perhaps with time, we'll be able to be friends again on some other level (i.e. when my life doesn't revolve around Lupron, stims, and IVF cycles).

Maybe. (Needless to say, L. has his doubts about that.)

Here's my letter:

Dear M.,

I hope this finds you all well and very happy.

I'm writing to you because I want to express to you why I can't be more present right now. It is my hope that as my friend, this will all make sense to you and that you will somehow be able to understand my position.

L. & I are experiencing some difficulty with our IVF process, and things aren't going as smoothly as we had hoped. Thus, I've been very down about things and have really been struggling emotionally. All of these things have transpired simultaneously with this joyous event in your life, and it is simply too painful for me right now to be a more present friend.

I know that you might find it difficult to empathize with me, and that you would probably approach things differently. My pain is very real to me, however, and it is my hope that you can stretch your understanding to somehow make sense of this. I hope that you will also recall the times I have been more available and supportive and that this will mean something in the longevity of our relationship.

We pray for you daily,

l.l.

Many of us seem to struggle with self preservation, and I often think that much of the reason IF is happening to me is that I need to learn how to prioritize myself. (After all, there must be a reason for IF that goes beyond an unfortunate biological coincidence!) IF is definitely the most difficult chapter of my life so far, and I am realizing that I have a right to care for myself in the middle of it. We all do.

I suppose the letter will either catalyze the next chapter in this relationship or it will end it.

We'll see.

Green Tea, Moving Mountains and Stuff

2008-10-25T12:38:00.006-04:00

My week in rewind:

Monday: Discover staff I supervise is 8 weeks pregnant. This info is through the grapevine, and I'm glad to have it so that when "the announcement" arrives, I can twist my facial expression into one of joy and bliss.

Tuesday: Send flowers to my "IVF friend" who had her bundle of joy 3 weeks early. L. called to give our congratulations, and after much consternation, I have decided to remain on the downlow for the time being. I have written a letter of explanation to her, which I plan to send sometime next week. It's been a difficult decision, but I am hereby avoiding situations which make me anxious and upset. The babyshower was enough.

Wednesday: I celebrated two weeks of no caffeinated lattes with the same thing I've been drinking for the last two weeks: green tea. I still haven't developed a taste for it but am determined to keep trying. My acupuncturist swears by it, and well, you know how I feel about my acupuncturist.

Thursday: I have dinner with friends who are not pregnant, have no children and seem to have no aspirations of getting pregnant. Refreshing.

Friday: I develop horrible cramps on my left side, which I am desperately hoping can be attributed to a cyst which has popped. I arrive at my appointment with Hannah the acupuncturist, and she tells me that if the pain doesn't subside, I may have to call my doctor. However, she proceeds to do some sort of magical treatment which has completely wiped away the cramps. I left there shaking my head, thinking that this woman is some sort of supernatural goddess who would certainly be able to move a mountain. And, even more miraculous, I think she's making my very scientific, modern-science-oriented husband think twice about Eastern medicine.

All in all, the week was long, arduous and grueling...I'm glad it's over. I do want to thank everyone for the ongoing flow of emails, cards, calls, texts and comments. It's amazing how uplifting each demonstration of support can be through this process.

Still waiting for Halloween - hoping to ditch the Lupron and move onto the good stuff (well, relatively speaking, of course).

Filling the Glass: An Honest Attempt at Optimism

2008-10-19T09:42:00.028-04:00

After a weekend of irrational, negative thoughts, I am trying to turn a corner. Thus, I've compiled a list of reasons our glass is fuller than I was willing to admit on Friday. I'm focusing on the fact that all is not lost, and we're still moving...in some direction, anyway.

Because I have L: L. has been a rock through this. He took the reins on Thursday, called the clinic and arranged for another ultrasound. Given that all I could do was cry and wonder how I was going to make it through my next work meeting, I felt so blessed to have his backup. I am so glad that we are in this together.

Because I have so much support: Thank you all so much for your support through this hurdle. I am really grateful for it. Every phone call, voicemail, e-mail, text message and blog comment mean the absolute world to me. It's amazing how much better we can make each other feel through just a small demonstration of support and encouragement.

Because I have an amazing mother: My mother has the patience of Job. She has been there for me any time I have needed her since this whole I.F. thing began. She faithfully (and tirelessly) listens and reassures me through my ongoing stream of irrational thoughts.

Because we still have the hope of a successful cycle. This little hiccup doesn't mean that the jig is up (Thank you, Penny, for your comment on Friday which reminded me of that). There still might be two pink lines (or in our case a very nice telephone call from Debbie the Nurse) at the end of this whole thing.

Because God doesn't give you anything you can't handle. I admit, I struggle with this especially at times like this, and I feel like screaming out that I literally can't take anything else. However, the gentle reminder on Nity's post (Thursday, Oct. 16) really affected me (positively). I'm working on getting over my "human-ness" and trying to find that faith again.

Because of the dedication of my British acupuncturist: She spent 45 minutes on the phone with me prior to our appointment on Friday evening processing this whole thing. She changed her treatment, and recommended brown rice, adzuki beans and minimal animal proteins. I think she is wonderful and would consider jumping off a bridge if she told me to - I currently have a large bag of long grain brown rice and several cans of beans on our kitchen counter.

So, there it is. These are the thoughts I'm trying to live by right now.

Here's to hoping for a glass that's brimming over with fertility for us all...

Today My Glass is Half-Empty

2008-10-17T14:02:00.022-04:00

The last 48 hours have been a true test of my strength, faith and frustration.

You know, I've had this bad feeling about my baseline ultrasound for weeks. I've been worried that it was going to reveal that I had the ovaries of a 65 year-old woman, that I had one antral follicle on each ovary or that there would be some other devastating news that would delay or hault this process.

Well, it wasn't just my natural cynicism that evoked that gut feeling.

I was right - I just didn't know the specifics.

Even with that said, I was more than a little alarmed on Thursday morning when the tech pointed out some sort of issue on the monitor.

Thus, our next IF hurdle reared its ugly head.

The next thing I know, L. and I are getting up at 5:30 this morning to drive two hours for another ultrasound at the clinic. Our doctor explained that I have a cyst that has not ruptured from my last cycle. While she said that she would proceed if we wished, she recommended that we wait it out to see what it does over the next couple of weeks.

We are not gamblers (in other words, we don't want to overstimulate). So, I am now on Lupron until the end of the month, and will go back for another ultrasound on the 31st to see what's going on in there.

So, while the antral follicle count doesn't appear to be an issue (i.e. I have numerous "follicle beginnings"), a leftover cyst on my left ovary is keeping us from moving forward.

I have a lot of anger about this because it's taken me so very long to work up to doing this whole IVF thing. There are still moments when I look at those needles and that bottle of Lupron and feel like I'm acting out some sort of surreal science fiction nightmare.

And, we've planned everything (including L's very complicated work schedule) around the timing of this thing, and here we are once again: roadblocked.

I am once again shaking my head and wondering what I've done to deserve this. I've worked so diligently to be as optimistic as possible, which isn't easy for me. Hell, I'm not making it a secret that I'm not exactly a "glass-is-half-full" kind of girl (and let's face it, the IF experience certainly hasn't done much to remedy that).

And, even after all of that, here we are: stuck on the periphery once again. For two more weeks.

I am very frustrated and angry. I don't understand why something that comes so easily for so many people is so difficult for us.

Still shaking my head...dismayed.

Tomorrow, I'll work on the optimism thing again.

But, today, I just feel half-empty.

An Update

2008-10-13T21:57:00.020-04:00

Newsflash: A.F. swooshed in on her broomstick! (And let me tell you, she barrelled in this time. A.F. on hormones is not a pleasant experience.)

Spoke to the Clinic and my OB-GYN who will be doing my monitoring. First ultrasound scheduled for Thursday a.m.

The Plan: Hoping the ultrasound will reveal plenty of antral follicles (For those of you who live outside I.F.-ville, these are the small beginnings of eggs) and quiet ovaries ("Quiet" is not the word I would use to describe the side effects of this Lupron, but hopefully that means it's doing its job).

Next step: With approval from Dr. A., let the "Egg Growing Drugs" begin!!!

Bring on the hormones!

Your thoughts and prayers are much appreciated (for me and L. - ha ha).

Bring on the Broomstick!

2008-10-11T12:41:00.009-04:00

My morning internet perusal of how to bring on A.F. evoked the following results:

Ginger
Aspirin
Black Cohosh (sounds a little frightening)
Green Tea
Sex
Yoga
No caffeine
Bubble baths for destressing
Sacrifice a newborn lamb (This little gemstone of chatboard advice is exactly why I typically stick to blogger-world for feedback.)

In my experience over the last 24 months, these are the things that seem to bring on the broomstick at lightening speed:

Wearing your most sexy, white Victoria's Secret panties
Leaving for a weekend getaway with the husband
When she's approximately 3-4 days overdue, and you're convinced that this is the month.

Well, with that said, I'm off to put on some great panties (white, of course) and convince L. that we need to fly to somewhere really fabulous and romantic this weekend.

She's Back!!! (Well, Sort Of)

2008-10-10T21:31:00.005-04:00

Well, she's at it again. My good friend A.F. is torturing me and delaying the next phase in this process. And, fortunately, I can depend on any of you out there wrestling with IF to refrain from those knowing, smiling looks that suggest, "Are you sure you're not pregnant?"

Please. Trust me, there is no way I'm with child, and after 24 months of this I think I would know. And, yes, we celebrated our second year of trying to conceive this week with 7 needles and a couple of bruises on my belly. Ahh, the memories we are creating!

Frankly, this is the first time in 24 months I hope I'm not pregnant. Of all months to be pregnant, that would be far from ideal after the drugs I've been pumping into my body for the last 10 days or so.

I've seen more needles in the past 10 days that I have in my entire life. Between Lupron injections and acupuncture twice a week, I'm actually starting to get used to this. (By the way, I totally recommend the acupuncture-needles-in-the-ear treatment. I actually beg my acupuncturist for it! Amazing how looped it makes me feel - and without the benefit of drugs - who knew?)

So, I'm just waiting....I guess I should be pretty good at that by now: waiting for the next cycle, waiting for the next injection, waiting for the first ultrasound, waiting for permission to start stimming....

And, A.F. is flying around somewhere on her broomstick cackling at me. Damn her.

I Made It (And I'm So Grateful It's Over!)...

2008-10-05T08:20:00.012-04:00

Well, I survived.

It was a day of numerous unpleasantries - a room of stay-at-home moms who don't give a damn about a woman with a career, a 7 week old infant of one of those "I-got-pregnant-after-one-night-of-sex-types", another mom-to-be wearing a dress so tight you could see her navel (bloody show-off!) and, of course, my lovely "IVF friend" in all her glory.

Lesson learned: I am amazed at my strength (and self restraint).

I took the advice of several of you and stayed as busy as possible throughout "the event" and made damn sure that I didn't have to be a part of any of those ridiculous games. I also stuck to the two people in the room who don't have children and found this to be of tremendous help.

And, I made it.

Afterward, I chatted with my "IVF friend", and I made it through listening to baby name deliberations, nursery decor and birth weight anxieties. I also had the privilege of listening to her birth date hopes -"I just don't want a baby born on Halloween - anything but that!"

And, for the millionth time I was struck by this woman's insensitivity - hell, I'm presuming I'm not alone in saying that I'd give anything to have a baby born on any day of the week, month or year. And, I would think that someone who's been through IVF wouldn't be picky. Guess not.

She tried to get me to talk about our IVF cycle (three times), and I redirected each attempt because I'm officially done with this aspect of our relationship. I don't trust that she won't hurt me in some way with an insensitive, uninformed comment about the general population's infertility issues, and I'm setting this limit so that L. & I can have as positive of an experience as possible.

And, I'm not going to explain this or justify it to myself anymore. It is what it is, and I have to take care of myself. Quite simply, this relationship is toxic to me right now.

I'm glad I experienced yesterday and faced my fear because I know that if I can emotionally make it through that, I can make it through this IVF cycle, one way or the other.

Thank you for your thoughts, support and prayers yesterday. Along with many prayers of my own and divine intervention on many levels, they're what got me through the day.

The Dreaded Baby Shower

2008-10-03T21:14:00.018-04:00

Well, it's here: the dreaded baby shower. I haven't mentioned much about it because I've been very busy this week trying to figure out how to shoot myself up with Lupron.

L. is out of town, so after a one evening tutorial, I've been on my own with the needles and that tiny bottle of a very expensive potion (I can't believe it's supposed to last through this cycle!).

So far the shots are going well, and I feel kind of good about actually doing something so concrete toward our goal.

However, tomorrow is a day that I am ready to live through and say goodbye to - I've been dreading it since February when my "IVF Friend" first revealed to me that she was pregnant.

I think I'll try to figure out some way to leave my body, so that at least it looks like I'm sitting there laughing and agreeing with all the "mommy advice" people love to give at showers: "Oh, that toy was simply a God-send for Johnny!" or "I used this cream on my nipples when I had such difficulty breastfeeding - I absolutely couldn't live without it!"

I hope no one asks me "the question" tomorrow. It's been awhile since I've seen most of these women (aka the Stepford Wives), and I really hope I don't have to look someone in the face after they've asked me when L. and I are going to be celebrating our little one.

I may just proclaim (very loudly) that I'm in the middle of an IVF cycle and I'll have to get back to them on that one.

I plan to park in a very strategic location that makes for an easy exit - just in case.

Pray for me tomorrow.

Postscript: Sorry I haven't been commenting much this week on blogs - I plan to catch up with all my blog reading on Sunday, and I'm really looking forward to it.

Jumping Off the High Dive

2008-10-01T06:24:00.029-04:00

Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.
-Pema Chodron

A good friend of mine likened the anxiety I've been feeling over the last few days to pausing at the edge of the high dive, looking down at the water and preparing to jump. This was a perfect analogy because mentally it was time to begin this process days ago.

Tonight, we begin Lupron shots. I'm a little excited, a lot nervous - I know we are moving a step closer to the conclusion of this process which is so very frightening.

I'll admit, I have a tendency to overanalyze a little (not surprising to those of you who know me well). While this is sometimes a great quality, it makes this process a little more challenging. IVF was a decision we arrived at with much thought and even consternation. It wasn't a simple choice for us by any means, so actually getting started evokes some fear along with the excitement of forging ahead.

Today, I'm trying to relax as I look down at some pretty choppy, wavy water. I'm not sure what's ahead for us, and it's natural to feel some anxiety about that.

So, here goes.

Thank you so much for your prayers - as I get loaded up on hormones over these next few weeks, L. and anyone else who spends significant amounts of time with me might need a little spiritual support (and guidance) as well.

Postscript: Another friend of mine loaned me a book from which I took the above quote. It's called When Things Fall Apart. While the title might sound a little ominous to you, it really is a great account of looking fear in the face through meditation and a realistic perspective with a sense of hope. I highly recommend it!

Bravery, Chemistry Sets and Things

2008-09-25T18:40:00.010-04:00

This week I told a good friend of mine that L. & I are going through IVF. I don't know why I've kept it from her for this long, but I did. When I told her, some of the first words out of her mouth were, "Wow, I am so impressed with how strong you are. You are so brave."

I hadn't thought of it like that, and I tried to remember that today when I went to get my shiny, new chemistry set (aka IVF meds) from the local Fed Ex. I can't believe how many needles they can stuff into one carton. Trust me, they used every inch of that box - it's overflowing with liquids and potions (I half expected a little smoke to billow out when I finally got it open).

So, I'm focusing on my bravery as my good friend expressed to me this week. I am so grateful for her and her wonderful, warm understanding.

Meanwhile, I'm resisting the temptation to write a post on how I feel like the guest star in a science fiction flick about hormonal potions, vitrifcation, and embryos.

On with the journey...(I'm also going to resist the Wizard of Oz references today).

Off to acupuncture!

The Ultimate Reframe

2008-09-23T19:28:00.018-04:00

Today I am psyching myself up for the big box of medications that will arrive on Thursday. You see, I've been dreading the arrival of this box for many months - every time I pondered the prospect of IVF I thought about that damned box and everything it represents to me: over $1000 of medicines and needles to remedy what my body is apparently not doing for some reason.

My two-timer IVF "friend" showed me her box of IVF meds once. I made myself look at it while cooing positive affirmations because I knew it was so difficult for her. Of course, all the while I was thinking, "Surely that won't happen to us...we'll never come to that point."

And, now here we are. We have officially arrived at that unthinkable stop on the yellow brick IF road.

So, today I'm trying to think of that box as the ultimate Christmas gift - the present we are giving ourselves that could dramatically change everything in our lives forever.

Let's hope so anyway.

IVF Questions Answered: Our First Joint Post!

2008-09-22T08:00:00.002-04:00

Nity (you can find her at I Believe in Miracles) & I decided to do a "joint post" (see her blog) to answer all the questions we asked last week in our IVF teachings. We both attended IVF classes last week, and thought this might be helpful in answering many of the questions we all have about IVF. My answers are in red, and Nity's are in blue. Hopefully, this will help someone out there - it was certainly educational to compare notes, and I'm learning a lot about this crazy process. It's interesting to note the differences between treatment protocols.

Thanks for your help with this, Nity!

ICSI vs. natural fertilization. When is this decision made? Do we have to make it ahead of time or can we wait to see how things are going naturally before opting for ICSI?
L: Our nurse said that it is most advisable to make your decision about this before egg retrieval day. If you give the green light, the embryologist will do whatever she has to do to ensure fertilization (i.e. ICSI or assisted hatching). Apparently, it is advisable to make this decision before hand so that you're not trying to do this after a very important window of time has passed (i.e. no eggs are fertilizing naturally – what should we do now?).
N: Since we're approved for ICSI, we're definately going to have the option of doing it on the table. However, they said the # to try and not try would be based on how the eggs/sperm were mixing. They do not want to do it unless necessary because it is a lengthy, extensive process. They mentioned the decision is usually whether or not you can have the option to do it and like L, it will be made the day of egg retrieval. With assisted hatching, they said this might occur if the woman is over 38, but I shouldn't have to worry abou it at this point. I didn't even have a consent form to sign.

Recommended time off after egg retrieval and transfer.
L: Our clinic is pretty liberal with this. It is most advised to do whatever makes you feel comfortable. They do not recommend anything other than "having a relaxing day" after transfer – if this means laying in bed, fine. If it means shopping, also fine – just no strenuous exercise. But, after paying 15K for a procedure that gives us a chance to get pregnant, you will find me in bed or on the couch for at least 2 days post transfer (and maybe 3 if I'm having a really good time).
N: They recommended is to take the day after (at least) for the egg retreival; and one or two after the transfer. Essentially "no working or flying." They did not say 'strict bed rest' but did imply that taking it easy, so resting, lying low, not doing much. I plan on taking time off, and hanging out on the couch.
3 vs. 5 day transfer - is the lab able to recommend/handle a 5 day transfer (I've heard that some aren't equipped to do this).
L: This is determined based on how the embryos are developing. The lab will call to give us progress on a daily basis. The five day transfer is sometimes recommended in instances of numerous embryos as the doctor wants to wait and see which embryos are strongest for transfer. Pregnancies obviously result from both.
N: They no longer do 5 day transfers at my clinic.

Do meds have to remain refrigerated throughout the cycle -can you travel with them?
L: Meds have to be refrigerated prior to opening them.. They need to be at room temperature of course (not baking in your car trunk), but the refrigeration is what keeps them viable for lengthy periods of time. Not all that sure about this one – I plan to research this a little more when I actually have the meds in my possession.
N: I have a wedding to go to after I start the lupron, so I asked about traveling with the meds. They said it was fine; we could get a small cooler and the nurse would write me a note to take on the plane. Different medications have different max temps. I think a lot of whether or not to refrigerate depends a lot on how warm/cool your house is and what you feel comfortable with.
Traveling home after transfer.
L: Again, it's whatever we feel comfortable with. There is no research that says that traveling in a car will lead to negative results, but you want to look back on this process and know that you gave it everything you had to make it work. We plan to stay put for 24 hours post-transfer.
N: This doesn't apply to me too much since our clinic is about 30 minutes away. They did talk about your partner or friend needing to pick you up afterwards (i.e. they would not put you home in a cab) because you'd still be under the influence of anesthesia.

How is the pain of the egg retrieval handled - I've never been under an anesthetic so I'm curious how this works.
L: According to my husband (who is in the medical profession) and the nurse, the med they're going to give for this will make me pretty much out of it during the ER. After it, however, I will probably feel discomfort (and from what I've read in the blogging world, I pretty much expect that this isn't going to be a pleasant moment in the process)..
N: They discussed not haivng anything to eat or drink 8 hours prior to the procedure (not even water), otherwise you would need a spinal, which did not sound like fun because it would require 4-6 hours of recovery time on a bed floor! They demonstrated how they go in under u/s and get all the follicles. Even though some might not fully be developed yet... As you recover there are different amounts of nice drugs to help with the pain (hence the not go to work afterwards or next day) and it would be uncomfortable. I'm assuming this could be as bad as bad cramps or but not as bad as labor. Just need to put it in perspective.

What kind of stim will be used -Gonal F is what we used during IUI - I'm hoping they'll stick with that since I responded well and since I'm familiar with the pen.
L: My clinic usually uses Follistim, but since I've responded well to Gonal-F historically, that's what we're going with.
N: Each of us have individual plans. I think on a whole our clinic uses Gonal-F. I will have both Gonal-F and Repronex. Apparently they want to give me an extra boost.

General timeline questions: how will things progress in terms of the timeline?
L: I start Lupron Oct. 1 with plans for ER and Transfer Halloween week. Hmmm…a little frightening and somehow very appropriate.
N: So L we are on almost the EXACT same timeline. I start Lupron Oct 2... with everything finished probably before the end of October. This is great. I can go to the weddings without a problem. :o)

What sort of monitoring will be done throughout the timeline? (this sort of falls under travel, but my clinic mentioned once I start, I need to be fully committed and be there).
N: I have to go in for baseline U/S Oct 11 and blood test on cd 2-3; then start Gonal-F, Repronex and lower Lupron. cd7-15 will be close monitoring (i.e. be around daily) and then ET and transfer. Start antibiotics with ET and progesterone.. Go in for a scheduled beta 15 days after the transfer, because pregnancy tests can be deceiving. If pregnant, keep doing progesterone for 10-12 weeks of pregnancy, vaginally.

Number of eggs they are aiming to retrieve? I've seen a lot about quality vs. quantity.
N: They never gave me an exact #. They said they would go in and get all the follicles, but nothing on the # they like to see or not go above. That's part of the daily monitoring.

How many eggs planned for the transfer? Statistic, probability, expectations - when will I hear about what your prognosis is during our timeline?
N: Embryos for transfer will be discussed the day of transfer in the pre-op. A lot of this relates to the quality of embryos, age, etc. Our hospital is really worried about multiples and they are trying lower their numbers of twins. Max they put in 5, min 1. Although the doctor will go off of what you say... they will give you their medical input. Regarding the timeline, you will hear the # that are retrieved and then the # fertilized. The specifics will be given the morning of the transfer.
Heard about possible bed rest for 2 days after transfer... is that suggested?
N: Suggested to "take time off", but not specific on # of days.

Have you had a mock transfer?
N: Yes.

Acupuncture after egg retreival/transfer?
N: Was told: Acupuncture is fabulous. It could only improve the situation. It has definately helped older couples.

What is the protocol/process regarding embryo freezing? Is that covered under insurance?
N: Generally you can freeze; but it is a decision that you need to make with your partner. Some people do not want to fertilize anymore than they want to transfer, other people do. Our clinic does not do embryo adoption, so our options are to freeze, discard, or give to science (i.e. for practice of ICSI in lab). I still need to look into what is and isn't covered by insurance.

Can we order our meds from Europe? Does insurance cover them?
N: Insurance covers our meds, not need to worry about this. Mine should be ready to pick up on Monday...

A Question for the IVF Experts Out There

2008-09-21T16:22:00.005-04:00

Well, the IVF meds are officially ordered and should arrive Thursday. Stay tuned for the obligatory photo of my great big box of meds which will be posted for your viewing pleasure sometime next weekend.

I have a call in to the RNs at my clinic, but I wanted some input from some of you who've been through this. I am wondering about the difference between the painful PIO shots versus progesterone suppositories. Was one better than the other for you? Recommendations?

It's going to be an exciting week - pre-IVF acupuncture begins tomorrow evening! Hopefully that will get me ready to begin playing with needles as well as my very own, personal sharps container!

A Tiny Bit of Sunshine

2008-09-17T21:10:00.004-04:00

Some days on the IF road are actually hopeful, filled with a sunshiny sense of optimism and the belief that all of this might come to a grand conclusion. Today was one of those days.

Our IVF teaching couldn't have gone better. Our IVF RN answered every question we had and was more than willing to explore any fear that we have about the process. She explained every detail of what is to come, and she was reassuring throughout our meeting.

She said that, although it's often frustrating as hell, our unexplained diagnosis is actually a positive in terms of ultimately getting pregnant. She was very encouraging about the results of my Clomid Challenge test, so I guess my ovaries really are doing their job down there.

So, today I feel a tiny bit excited about what we're getting ready to do. In some small way, I actually feel blessed to be going through this. How many people can actually say they've gone to this extent to have a child?

No matter what happens, watching all of this unfold will be one of the most memorable, amazing experiences of our lives.

I suppose it's days like today that make the IF road worth traveling.

Nity - let us know how your IVF class goes. Maybe we could get together and do a post later this week re: the answers to all of our questions! I got most of them answered today! Hope your class goes very well tomorrow! :)

The Great Big Spotted Elephant & The Plague

2008-09-15T08:50:00.000-04:00

Today I'm struggling with the sickening irony that I'm preparing to throw a baby shower for my friend three days after I start shooting myself up with Lupron. And if that's not ironic enough, consider the fact that we'll be in the 2ww when she gives birth.

This is my friend who absolutely doesn't get it. For those girls out there who procreate like rabbits - I don't expect much understanding (and am pleasantly surprised when I get it). However, perhaps I expect a little more of her given that she's been through IVF twice.

To the contrary, her understanding of what I'm going through reminds me of a spoiled girl who expects you to be her primary wedding planner while you're amidst the nastiest divorce.

Many months ago, in an effort to salvage the relationship, I encouraged her to process this whole situation with me. This wasn't easy as she prefers to ignore the growing, fat, spotted elephant in the living room. Ultimately, however, she expressed that she wished it had been me who got pregnant first because she would have handled it "so much better" than I did.

If you can't tell, I'm still having a hard time with that one. I guess I wasn't aware that there is a "right" or a "wrong" way of handling this situation. I certainly don't remember expressing anything like that to her while she was going through it. How soon she has forgotten that now that IF is in her backyard instead of her front!!

Frankly, I feel the need to protect myself through this process from her and people like her who always have a healthy dose of negativity to heap on me. I guess the old adage applies here - if you don't have anything nice to say, just don't say anything at all.

And if you insist on continuing to talk, I'm not just going to sit back and listen.

I'm going to avoid you like the plague - after I help with your baby shower, of course.

That's what "supportive" friends do for each other, isn't it?

She's Here!!!

2008-09-11T21:03:00.009-04:00

So, this is how I feel today:

Less than 45 minutes after my post last night, AF made her official appearance. I guess she finally accepted that I wasn't going to be toyed with this month.

Please, God, let the Good Witch's magic wand make us pregnant very, very soon.

IVF Teaching (which was rescheduled from its original date) is next week.

AF is the Ultimate Witch from Hell

2008-09-10T20:41:00.018-04:00

Well, the ultimate "Hail Mary" cycle* is about to conclude, but not without a little tease from my dear friend Aunt Flo. AF & I have become very tight over the last 23 months - I know her every trick, twinge, and cramp. Of course, this month in my heart I can't help but think how wonderful it would be to have a story that begins with this:

"L & I were on the verge of doing IVF, and right before we signed on the dotted line to purchase our fresh and frozen cycles, there they were - two pink lines!!!!"

This is not our story, of course, and AF is determined to play a few Jedi Mind Tricks before we submerge ourselves into a sea of needles and hormones. She begins with the smallest amount of spotting and then adds a few minor cramps. When I refuse to acknowledge her attempts to drive me mad (as well as everyone else around me), she decides to play with my mind for at least 3 to 4 days.

She is satisfied only when she manages to coerce me into a full blown, obsessive google search for "implantation bleeding" and "implantation cramps". Trust me, you can always find a woman out there somewhere in cyberspace who has experienced the exact same "premenstural" symptoms as you before realizing she was knocked up. I've read it over and over: "It felt just like my period was getting ready to start..."

So, enough, already AF! I get it, damn it, and I know exactly what you're doing! Let's just get this thing going so we can officially start the IVF countdown/kickoff!!

Hell, haven't you tortured us enough over the last 23 months???!!!

*Note: I want to attribute the term "Hail Mary Cycle" to my blogger friend Nancy. I picked up this expression on your blog, and I absolutely love it!

Standing (Stationary) in the Emergency Lane

2008-09-06T17:20:00.011-04:00

So, today was a little downhill for me.

I attended my work's "Family Fun Day", an event for all the Agency staff, families, kids, etc. Calling it a "Fun" day is a bit of a stretch, because it didn't feel too damned fun to me.

First of all, why is it that everywhere I go, someone is compelled to share their pregnancy story, their daughter's pregnancy story or, hell, even their cat's pregnancy story? It's as if I have something written on my forehead that says, "Tell me about how easy it was for you (and/or anyone you know) to procreate."

Secondly, I feel so left out. I'm either surrounded by early 20-somethings who haven't even begun thinking about pregnancy (and the daunting prospect of IF isn't even a blip on their radar screens - how I miss those days!) or 30-somethings who have children who look old enough to enter high school. I swear, I look at some of these kids and feel so behind. I find myself wondering if I missed something somewhere...how the hell did I get here again?

I guess that "family" can mean many different things, and right now, my family is L. I do feel fortunate for that, as well as the many other blessings in my life. But you know, sometimes it just feels like the whole world is forging ahead, and I'm standing on the side of the road looking at everyone whizzing past.

Another lovely day in IF world. Here's to a better day tomorrow...I'll let you know about that.

An Epiphany

2008-09-02T20:59:00.010-04:00

Today, as I forced myself to do my 30 minute power walk, I was overcome with love and adoration for my husband. Typically, during these walks I am wrestling with "poor me" thoughts and the nagging question: "Why us?" However, today, the answers flowed into my consciousness in a way that let me know for certain that God was with me. Suddenly, I was overcome with epiphany afer epiphany about this whole infertility experience. The resounding thought in my brain was that this whole thing has given me the opportunity to demonstrate love for my husband in a way that most people never really get. I mean, really, how much commitment does it really take to hop into bed a couple of times, have great sex and end up with two pink lines?

Because of this IF challenge, I have to face a tremendous fear and demonstrate an insane amount of dedication. Sometimes I have to remind myself why I'm doing this:

The reason I'm preparing to shoot myself up with a hormone cocktail is because I love this man and want to have a baby with him more than anything in the world. And going through what we're going through truly is a demonstration that it is something we both want more than anything in the world. Damn, I'm blessed to even experience this much love for another human being without being a mom myself.

I hope this doesn't sound too corny - sometimes I'm overwhelmed with emotion these days as I never quite envisioned that my life path would be winding through Lupron and Gonal-F injections. But, sometimes, just for a fleeting moment, all of this craziness really does make sense.

Okay, I'm signing off for now. Somebody remind me of this post next month when my belly and butt are bruised from injections. :)

Responding to "The Question"

2008-08-27T18:41:00.022-04:00

So, today I encountered a couple of old work friends I haven't seen in a year or so. We were happily chatting, talking about work, work politics, etc. After about 10 minutes, one of these friends shot the inadvertent dagger, the knife in the heart, the question all of us love to hate:

"So...when are we going to see you pregnant

with your first little one?

I just can't wait to see you with a belly!"

My mind began racing, my heart beating too fast, as I scrambled to formulate the perfect answer. I ultimately stammered out something about L.'s work schedule and the fact that he's just working so much, we haven't had a chance to get around to all of that "kid stuff" yet. However, at that moment (and all afternoon long) I fantasized about what I would have liked to have said:

Looking them both straight in the eye:

1. "Well, actually, I'm going to be shooting myself in the ass with massive needles starting next month. Wanna help?"

2. "Actually, we've been trying to have a child but have just learned that I have no female parts - I'm actually a man." (Okay, this one is actually compliments of a very good friend of mine who suggested that perhaps I should have just told them I'm a hermaphrodite. Thanks, Cheese - I'm still laughing!)

3. "As a matter of fact, we've decided it would be much more fun to watch our baby be conceived in a petrie dish than just plain old sex in the privacy of our own home, so we're starting IVF next month. I'm particularly looking forward to being inspected by my fertility specialist as she tries to figure out how the hell to get me knocked up!"

Of course, I didn't give any of these responses, but I was left wondering why it is that this question is always so difficult to answer. In some ways, I see it as my golden opportunity to educate someone on how painful it is to be asked such an invasive question, but for some reason, I am not remotely confrontive. Honestly, I actually feel a sense of embarrassment that I'm not pregnant yet. I mean, let's get real, I'm 34 years old and have been happily married for 2 years. People are probably thinking that we need to get on with it if we're going to do this.

I'm still working on formulating the perfect response for these sorts of questions from people we don't plan to tell about our IVF experience. However, I'm once again pondering the prospect of putting it out there, just saying - this is what we're doing. Deal with it.

I mean after all, why should I hide the fact that I'm being treated for a medical issue? And, frankly, the fertile people of the world need to take a look at the fact that asking a woman in her 30's when she's going to have a "big belly" is outrageously insensitive. Yes, I realize people think this is a natural subject of small talk, particularly when they have no experience with IF.

But that doesn't mean I have to accept it.

The Verdict Is In, Another Sleepless Night & The Joys of Pregnant Friends

2008-08-24T03:54:00.019-04:00

The GREAT news is that most of my test results are in, and the verdict is good. I am a "clean girl" (in other words, I'm STD-free).

Also, my Clomid Challenge test results were, in the words of the IVF nurse, "beautiful - exactly what we hope to see."

While I am genuinely thrilled with this news, I remain perplexed because I am consumed with questions about why all of this is happening. I keep thinking that if everything looks this good, why have I not been able to get knocked up for 22 months (and counting..)? Also, I am more overcome with fear about everything that's ahead of us. Thoughts of enlarged ovaries and daily shots are looking a little more reality based, and that's catalyzing gut-wrenching, anxiety-in-the-middle-of-the-night-kind-of-fear. In fact, I'm currently having a Infertility/Clomid-sponsored sleepless night, which has given me the opportunity to write this post.

Tomorrow, I am hanging out with a couple of my friends who I've been avoiding like the plague. One is pregnant (per her second IVF cycle) and the other one is trying for her second child (in essence she'll be with child by next month). I'm dreading both of these encounters because I don't feel comfortable being honest about my feelings with either one of them. You will probably be hearing more about them in upcoming posts because we're starting baby shower preparations for the one who is pregnant.

You would think that my friend who's been through two rounds of IVF would be a great support to have right now, but frankly many of my childless friends have been more understanding than she has. I don't know how many times I've heard her say in response to my IVF quandries, "IVF scared me mainly because I knew it was the last resort...if it didn't work, I knew I would have to face the fact that I just couldn't have a baby."

If that one doesn't do it for you, consider this one: "You just have to remember that IVF doesn't always happen on the first time...but maybe it'll work by the second go-around."

Hmmm....as an IVF inductee, I have to tell you, these were comforting words to curl up with at night.

I don't know why I feel compelled to continue with these relationships. I'm really questioning that right now. Perhaps it's because they've historically been good friends (when babies were not part of the equation). Or maybe it's because it seems like the "right thing to do", like I should push myself to help with this baby shower as a demonstration of faith in God that it's going to happen for me someday.

Still deliberating about this one.

Another trip to the Clinic scheduled for Tuesday for IVF teaching.

Tomorrow's Poking & Prodding

2008-08-19T21:30:00.003-04:00

Well, I've managed to successfully get through Days 5-9 of Clomid with few major altercations. L. would probably disagree and has taken to calling me "Clomie" in an effort to add humor to my ongoing hormonal turmoil.

Tomorrow is a lot of testing at the Clinic, and I'm so pleased that my friend Jill is going with me. She is such a great friend to come and support me, and I really appreciate her! Sometimes this situation really helps you see all the great people in your life. :) L. has to work unfortunately, and we're trying to conserve sick days/vacation time in preparation of what's to come.

I'm a little less anxious tonight after a couple of glasses of wine, thanks to L.

Here's to poking, prodding and healthy reproductive organs!

IVF Warranty? What Will They Think of Next?

2008-08-15T21:03:00.018-04:00

Today my beloved husband called me at work to relay details of a telephone conversation with the Clinic's finance department. During this discussion, I experienced a moment of utter disbelief that this whole thing is really happening. I shook my head as L. rattled off IVF finance options, specifically several "package deals" that sounded like all-inclusive vacation resorts.

He exclaimed, "We can either get one fresh and one frozen, two chances at a fresh and one frozen, or even three chances and two frozen!"

What??!! Are we talking about fish sticks or roulette?

He went on to say that we can purchase a 70% money-back guarantee from this company in the instance that we are unsuccessful. Of course, they won't disclose how much this "guarantee" will cost until they have my ovarian reserve results in their greedy little paws. So, in essence, I suppose the insurance company is playing the odds themselves - I guess the better my eggs look, the cheaper this little policy will be.

In other words, there is actually someone out there who's willing to roll the dice on this (as long as I have eggs that look they might actually convert into a kid).

So...I'm still shaking my head in disbelief and wondering how we got here. It's the end of Day 1 on the evil pill and I'm already having hot flashes.

(Postscript: For any of you who don't know Fresh/Frozen terminology, see the IF Terms/Acronyms You Never Wanted to Know to the right for a quick explanation. If you stick with me, you'll soon know more than you ever bargained for!).

Clomid Challenge: Me Versus Clomid

2008-08-12T21:49:00.014-04:00

The "Clomid Challenge" test must be named for the challenge I have with functioning while on that crazy pill, along with the consternation of everyone I come in contact with as it takes over my body. Warning: I begin taking it at it at my personal "lethal dose" (100 mg.) on Friday for the purposes of measuring my ovarian reserve. If you haven't been around me while on this drug, you will soon learn that taking two of these evil tablets transforms me into a sweating, bipolar-esque, angry, tearful wench. It pushes me over the edge for days - and I feel like it's never going to leave my body once it enters.

I'm ready. I'm up for the Challenge.

So, here's to evil pills, nasty side effects and hoping I'll commit no evil acts over the next few days. My advice to the Stepford Wives: Steer clear of me and my raging hormones!!

A Message for the Stepford Wives of My Life

2008-08-10T10:14:00.017-04:00

Many of the wives of my husband's work colleagues are part of a "group" which is supposedly for support purposes. To be an active, viable member on the "A-List" of this so-called "support group" (and I use this term loosely), you must have the following Stepford Wife-esque characteristics:

You must have children ("My husband and I had sex one time and suddenly we were pregnant with little Jenny!!")

You must be a stay-at-home mom.

You must have minimal or no career aspirations. As a woman in your late 20's/early 30's, you tell everyone that "career days" are over - now your focus is your children. Perhaps you'll do the world a favor and "volunteer" someday.

You absolutely do not believe in day care of any kind as it is a destructive influence to children and research says as much!

So, this week I received a group e-mail from one of them (I guess someone forgot to remove my career-driven, infertile ass from the mailing list). Here's a summation:

"We have many babies on the way, and we want to start planning meal delivery to each of our new moms! Would you believe we have 3 babies due in October and 5 in November?! It's a baby boom! Please let me know when you'll be available to deliver meals to each of our new families!"

Today, this e-mail entered my mind, and I became enraged when I thought about how all these women care about is a traditional, perfect world in which fertility treatment is not necessary and if it were, it would be spoken about in hushed whispers. If a woman actually trusted these people enough to divulge that kind of information (which would be amazing in and of itself), she would be pitied and discussed behind her back.

So, I started fantasizing about a "Reply To All" response. It would go something like this:

"Dear Mary (and the rest of you fertile people),

Thank you so much for your e-mail, but I think you left me off your meal delivery list. I, too, will be in need of prepared meals as I undergo IVF over October/November. My doctor has told me to prepare for discomfort and bloating as my ovaries work over-time to produce massive numbers of follicles, and something tells me that the last thing I'm going to feel like doing is cooking for my man. Also, so you'll know my "timeline" (or "due date" in language you ladies comprehend), I expect the egg retrieval will be sometime in early November, and this will also be an uncomfortable time. I will also need meals post embryo transfer as I'm supposed to remain on my back for 48-72 hours or so. However, after all we're going through to get to that point, it's going to take a forklift to pull me out of bed as I'll be so worried about our embryo(s) detaching from my uterus as a result of me returning to work (I'm sure you would advise me I should quit working if I'm that serious about getting knocked up!).

Hopefully this timeline will give you all plenty of opportunities to bring meals to L. & I since this is after all, supposedly a "support" group. Many thanks in advance. Yours, L.L.

Perhaps this all sounds a little bitter, and maybe it is. It's not that I see anything wrong with staying at home with your child - hell, after everything we're doing to get to that point, I can actually see that happening in our family. It's just the fact that these women never stop to consider that there are other times in a woman's life when support is needed outside of childbirth, playdates and first birthday parties. This lack of comprehension is simply because infertility (and other issues that affect a lot of women) is so outside their realm of experience.

Needless to say, I have little to do with these women anymore. And after re-reading my post today, I think it's time for me to request that my name be removed from their mailing list!

Hooray!! No More Infertility Robots!!!

2008-08-09T11:00:00.010-04:00

I absolutely hate going to my OB these days. I dread it for days beforehand. I hate seeing all those big bellies on women who are sitting there smugly reading the waiting room's "Parenting" magazines and hearing expectant couples leaving the office saying, "Oh, honey, you did great in there today.." UGH!!

But, my visit last week was good.

My doctor was genuinely pleased that we're pursuing IVF. She said she thinks it's time, and that we need to just go for it without overthinking it. She said that we happen to be "one of the 10%" of couples whose infertility issues are just unexplained. I figure if we can be one of the 10%, we could also be one of the 60% this IVF thing is supposed to knock up.

The absolute ICING ON THE CAKE of this appointment was that she offered to do all my monitoring since the clinic we've chosen is two hours out of town. I thought I was going to have use our local infertility clinic for that, and I was really dreading it because the staff there are infertility robots - you're responsible for pushing all the right buttons (or asking the right questions) to get the information you need. I am so thrilled that I'm not going to have to back there!!

Meanwhile, I have started spotting today, and it's the first time I've ever been glad about it. Bring on the Clomid Challenge!!

Rejuvenated!

2008-08-05T10:05:00.005-04:00

We had a really great break from things over the last few days. It was so nice to spend quality time with L., and it was a good feeling to detach from the drama in our lives and reconnect with each other.

We saw Coldplay on Sunday evening, which was the main reason for our trip. I was able to handle the numerous pregnant women who seemed to flock to Chris Martin - sometimes I think they're following me! I was able to focus on L. and where we are with each other. It was one of the best nights we've had together in a long time.

So, I'm uplifted, and I hope I can hold onto this feeling as I finish out my last week at work (before starting my new job) and the going away parties in front of me. At least I'll be able to enjoy a few spirits in the process!

Holiday From What's To Come...

2008-07-30T22:59:00.007-04:00

I won't be posting for the next few days because L & I are taking a road trip. We're driving to Washington D.C. to hang out, have a few drinks and pretend we're that couple we used to know who actually enjoyed the freedom of a childless lifestyle.

I'm soooo excited about getting away for a few days and thinking about nothing relevant at all. I'm taking a holiday from the impending needles, evil Clomid and BCP (I cannot believe I'm going to be taking the pill again in a few weeks - one of IF's bitter ironies!).

Thank you all so much for your feedback about our "to tell or not to tell" dilemma. Still on the fence, but praying for resolution. We'll figure it out, but the important thing is that I feel so supported right now. It's amazing what that does for my mood state! I feel so blessed.

Clomid Challenge Update: Waiting for Day 1: AF should grace us with her presence in approximately one week!

It Feels Like Pulling My Pants Down In Public, But...

2008-07-26T14:16:00.004-04:00

The thought of "announcing" our IVF plans feels a little like pulling my pants down in front of everyone I know. However, now that we have officially decided to go forward with IVF, this is our dilemma: Do we just put what we're doing out there into the cosmos and hope for the best?

We have already shared with our parents. At this point, I'm suggesting being even more open with our infertility diagnosis and just treating it as a medical issue for which we need (and deserve) support from everyone in our lives.

I really want input re: this because it's something I'm very conflicted about. On one hand, we think it would decrease the stress we feel about heading into something so taxing and that it might normalize it to some degree. For example, we recently started making plans with several of our college friends to attend football homecoming at our alma mater, only to realize after meeting with our RE that we will most likely be in the middle of egg retrieval when that date rolls around. Part of me just wants to e-mail our college friends (90% of whom have at least one child already) and just say, "Look, we're infertile and we're going for the big guns - we probably won't be able to make it. Deal with it."

That would be so freeing. And, it would allow people the opportunity to pray for us and to be more sensitive about asking about our plans to start a family.

However, allowing people the opportunity to be more sensitive doesn't exactly mean that's what we'll get...which is why I liken this openness to pulling one's pants down in an arena full of wide-eyed faces. I think about my sister-in-law, for example. For those of you who don't know her (and trust me, I complain about her to anyone who will listen), she has to be one of the most insensitive people I've ever encountered. The things that fly out of her mouth are often head turning and nothing short of incredible. I find my head spinning as I think....Did she really just make excuses in front of our mother-in-law for a woman who cheated on her husband????

My point is that telling allows people to be even more insensitive to my growing vulnerability. And, trust me, I've never felt more vulnerable about anything in my life as I am about this infertility thing. I also don't want people's pity - as the days go by, I feel more accepting that this is what God has put in front of us, and I feel so fortunate to be going through it with the absolute best man for me. Also, in some strange way, I feel blessed to have this experience with L. because it's taken our relationship to a level I don't think it could have otherwise reached. I think that going through infertility changes your relationship forever, and you learn things about each other you would have never otherwise known.

So, this is my quandry, and I'm particularly interested in what those of you out there in the IF world think. Did you tell or did you not and what was the outcome?

Brangelina - Seriously?

2008-07-25T18:29:00.005-04:00

I just have to comment on how ridiculous all this hullabaloo is about The Beautiful Ones. I admit, I am sometimes mesmerized by the gossip rags in the grocery check-out aisle, although this week I've sworn them off for good (I actually had a mini-breakdown Wednesday evening after running to the grocery and becoming overwhelmed by the glossy covers and beautiful faces proclaiming Hollywood's fertility).

And, now this! Brad & Angelina used IVF "because they didn't want to wait" for another child. Are you kidding me?

I mean, if indeed The Beautiful Ones suffered with secondary infertility, I empathize and wish they would just say so! This could actually be an OPPORTUNITY to advocate for those of us struggling with infertility!

I don't know, perhaps it's all just gossip, in which case, I have nothing more to say.

However, if it is true, I think those two really missed the boat. It's amazing to me that someone would willingly put themselves through enlarged ovaries, countless needles and ass bruising just because they can.

Give me a break!

A Sign

2008-07-24T21:20:00.006-04:00

I've experienced a sign that we're headed in the right direction with our IF decisions. I've wanted to write about this for a couple of weeks or so, but I just had to let it all sink in first because it has been so very moving to me.

About a month ago, my CEO explained to me that he was reassigning me to a new position, developing a new program 45 miles north of where I'm working. I protested and finally explained to him that L & I were considering IVF. I explained that I didn't want or need this stress in my life right now.

He didn't care. He kept saying that this is where he wanted me to go, where I belonged.

I prayed and prayed, and I ultimately accepted that this guy was going to send me where he wanted, and I was just going to have to deal with it. I decided that it certainly wasn't the time to be out job-searching, especially while we're figuring out how to finance this whole IVF thing.

And, then my phone rang. An old boss of mine asked me to come to her Agency and manage branch of a program I'm already running. She offered me more money, and she was really encouraging and supportive when I told her about IVF.

In my heart and mind, I know this was all clearly Divine Intervention.

So, I'm starting my new job mid-August, and for the first time in a long time, I'm actually feeling excited about my work.

Most importantly, I find myself very reassured for the first time in a long time. We're walking in the right direction.

We Are Going to Proceed...

2008-07-18T20:25:00.007-04:00

I would have updated much sooner than this re: our appointment on Thursday, but as it turns out, I had to literally force myself to go due to a raging virus I woke up with early on Thursday morning. I'll spare you the details (you really don't want to know), but suffice to say that today is the first time I've been able to hold anything down since then. It was horrible, but I refused to cancel the appointment because I didn't know when L. & I would be able to coordinate schedules again.

Essentially, we met with a nice, matter-of-fact doctor who presented us with both sides of IVF. She explained why it is controversial in some respects, and she encouraged us to consider it from all sides before we proceed. I liked this about her, along with the fact that she took the time to draw us a diagram of the process we're talking about undergoing. She also expressed that there were several tests we would undergo next month, so we won't be able to begin the process officially until September. Ultimately, she said that we have good odds since I'm under 35, and that IVF is a reasonable "next step" in our situation.

So, we're going to do this. We need to call and get some testing scheduled next week, but we've decided that this is the best "next step" for us.

L. made a poignant comment on our way home from the appointment as we were discussing the pros/cons of IVF. He said that, often, children are brought into more stable family environments when they're born to people in their thirties. He thinks that perhaps God gave the world IVF to help those of us who are having a little difficulty doing so.

If this experience has taught me anything so far, it's that I am absolutely, positively married to an incredible man.

And, we are going to proceed together.

Anxiety and Stuff

2008-07-16T20:43:00.003-04:00

Well, tomorrow is our appointment with the RE and the clinic where we think we're going to do IVF. I'm a little nervous this evening for some reason..not sure why. I'm starting to realize, slowly, that this is really happening, and that we're really going to go through with this IVF thing.

L. keeps pointing out that we're in this together, which is such a comforting thought. I think I'll hang onto that one this morning at 3 a.m. when I feel like I'm going to crawl out of my skin with anxiety. :)

I am more at peace with this. I haven't had a single case of the "why me's" in a couple of weeks. I have accepted this path in our journey, but I'm still scared.

Stay tuned.

Apparently I'm Light in the Belt...

2008-07-10T21:47:00.010-04:00

....or so my British acupuncturist tells me. She actually suggested that I incorporate more protein and fat into my diet. And, she said that intense cardio (i.e. running) is a no-no, particularly if there are suspected ovulatory problems.

So, in essence, I guess if I go stuff chocolate ice cream in my mouth while laying on the couch watching Tila Tequila, I'll be pregnant in a flash.

Seriously, I really liked her, and she is going to work with me throughout my IVF, which statistically improves our chances. I guess this is my chance to learn to relax a little...that's what this whole infertility thing keeps coming back to...

Today's Highlights:

1. AF officially arrived. She never ceases to shock the hell out of me when she gets here, and I hate her more and more each month. I find that she is particularly brutal after a month of injectibles.

2. The following conversation with one of my staff, first thing this morning at work:

Me: Good Morning.

Staff: Hi, I have news I just know you'll love, and it's not work-related.

Me (cringing): Oh, really?

Staff: Yes, I'm pregnant! I don't want to get too excited yet....

The remainder of the conversation was me convincing her to phone her doctor to discuss her worries while trying to maintain a neutral facial expression as AF slowly began overtaking my body with cramps.

Well, I guess there is a silver lining to all of this - I'm on my period, and I've just been given official permission to devour a pan full of brownies. I'm off to gain 15 or so...

And The Roller Coaster Ride Continues....

2008-07-09T21:00:00.007-04:00

Well, this morning began with yet another BFN (that's BIG FAT NEGATIVE - for those of you on Team Fertility who may not be familiar with all these cyber fertility acronyms, see the key I've created to the right). Day 28 has come and almost gone, and I'm still just as kidless as I was when the day began.

I've cried several times today, but I'm staring IVF right in the face. For the first time in my life, I'm not completely freaked out - just a little frightened. Trust me, that's progress compared to the hyperventilation I experienced the first time my RE mentioned that we were "good candidates for IVF". In fact, yesterday I ran across a copy of the letter my RE wrote to my gynecologist after our initial consultation. He referred to me as "very communicative" and a "little distressed about my infertility". Damn, this man is a genius. With that brilliant mind, surely he can help us create a real live embryo.

Tomorrow is my first appointment with my acupuncturist.

And, the ride continues....

If I Were an Embryo, Would I Want to Live Inside My Uterus?

2008-07-02T18:53:00.020-04:00

....All this positive thought over the last few days made me think a lot about the energy I'm creating inside my body as I react to the natural pitfalls of life. Things that tend to really drive me crazy:

Constant change and shifting at work
My sister-in-law (whether I see her or not, I flinch even when I hear her name!)
The Why-Me Syndrome
Waiting for the "Bullet" of hearing about the next pregnant person I know in my life

I've been thinking about the atmosphere my reactions to these issues might be creating inside my body. Allowing myself a good cry now and then is one thing, but ruminating over all the "small stuff" in life can't be helpful in creating a warm, fuzzy place for our future child to live and grow.

So, I've spent the last 48 hours trying to figure out ways to improve my general sense of well-being. Here's what I've come up with:

Walking instead of running...taking time breathe. I know, I know, running doesn't hurt your changes of getting pregnant. Still, I can't help but wonder if brisk walking with a lot of deep breathing, good music and the benefit of endorphin production might be more productive in terms of what we're trying to accomplish. I love running, but perhaps it's become symbolic of me being unable to keep from slowing down to relax and enjoy life. I want to work on creating a quiet, meditative environment in my body during the act of exercise and not after. There's plenty of time to train for the next 10-K!
Doing things for myself. Today, I got a pedicure, and it felt really good.
Taking a moment to celebrate life's accomplishments that have nothing to do with procreation. I had an amazing job offer yesterday, and L. is starting to schedule interviews! These are things to feel good about...with or without a child in the picture!
Scheduling an acupuncture appointment. I go a week from tomorrow, and I think it'll be great to see what impact I can have on my ability to relax. This accupuncturist does a lot of work with infertility and has requested to see my FSH results, etc. I think that's a good sign.
Blogging. It's been such an incredible inspiration to me over the last couple of weeks to start recording my thoughts on-line. The therapeutic benefit is amazing!! Reading your blogs has also helped me immeasurably as I've realized I'm not alone in the world!! I have particularly enjoy the I Believe in Miracle's Blog (http://ibleafnmiracles.blogspot.com/) and I'm moved at the encouragement to support one another in this particular blog.

So, that's where I am today - trying to discern ways of making my body a more welcoming place. I'm also trying to believe that God is going to give us a child, one way or the other, and everything is going to work out.

How's that for optimism on Day 21?

The Art of Positivity

2008-06-30T18:50:00.014-04:00

Today I was inspired by a Joel Osteen sermon I caught yesterday as I was waking up - it was one of those moments when you're convinced that God is literally screaming at you personally through the television. The theme of of the sermon was the importance of "tuning out" negative thoughts in order to allow for positivity in your life. He likened it to the radio dial - when you hear music you don't enjoy, you simply change the chanel. He suggested that our thoughts are like that as well - we need to change the frequency instead of ruminating on the negative.

This sermon was on the wings of a Saturday night breakdown in which I lost it when I thought about all the people around me who are either a). currently pregnant or b). on their way to becoming pregnant after trying for less than 3 months. Needless to say, in spite of his typical patience, L. was a little annoyed with me because these meltdowns always happen at the most inopportune times (we were on our way to dinner, and he was very hungry)

Looking at they "sunny side" definitely doesn't come naturally to me and, frankly, I'm kind of caught up grieving this whole TTC thing. Sitting in the RE's waiting room continues to feel surreal, and I still look around in disbelief because I can't believe this is happening. I haven't reached the acceptance stage - okay, I'm nowhere near the acceptance stage. I'm hanging out somewhere between bargaining ("God, if you'll just let me get pregant from IUI this month, I'll do anything You want me to do for the rest of my life...") and pretty intense anger ("God, I know I've done some bad things in my life, but what did I do to deserve this??!!")

So, in light of my ongoing struggle with negativity (which I think is more reality, although L. doesn't agree), it's been a challenge for me to redirect myself to the positive on this Monday. I tried anyway by formulating the following list of things I'm very thankful for today:

1. An unexpected phone call from L. today

2. A telephone conversation with my sister

3. A telephone conversation with my mom

4. Receiving a really thoughtful e-mail from A. today

5. Hearing from my wonderful Aunt N. yesterday (several times)

6. Receiving supportive comments on my blog

My mother-in-law would love this particular blog as I think she's sometimes overwhelmed by the fact that I don't even own a set of rose colored glasses. Maybe today I've made a little progress toward believing that we will be blessed with a baby when the time is right. Here's to tomorrow and the ongoing countdown to the 28th day!!!

The Joys of Dealing With Pregnant People

2008-06-27T17:35:00.001-04:00

Today I am wondering about the line between supporting my pregnant friends and taking care of myself by limiting my exposure to the swelling bellies around me. I just did some googling on this subject (my greatest new coping mechanism), and found a posting in which a woman shared her feelings of resentment about being surrounded by pregnancies and baby talk. The responses were staggering – other women attacked her and said that she didn’t deserve to be a mother and that she should force herself to share in the joy of others’ pregnancies.

I am shocked at this. Perhaps I don’t understand as I am not pregnant, but if I was and I had a friend who was struggling with infertility, I can’t imagine coercing her to be a part of my pregnancy. Frankly, I think ambivalence about frequenting Baby’s ‘R Us with my pregnant friends is as natural a human emotion as the happiness that must accompany a positive pregnancy test. Heading the Baby Shower Committee and bringing the biggest gift seems unnatural, illogical and like a dramatic example of a Freudian defense mechanism. I mean, come on, when you’re struggling with fears that you may never actually be able to conceive a child, is it really natural to sit surrounded by pregnant women at a baby shower discussing breast feeding tips? Why is it not okay to own a feeling that is perfect natural?

I had dinner with a pregnant friend last night. Undoubtedly, our relationship has been rocky since she called me with her news almost 5 months ago. Our situation was further complicated by the fact that she went through a lot of this infertility stuff with me as her baby is the result of IVF#2. One would think this would make her especially attuned to my feelings, but this is not the case. She expressed to me last night how "sad" she is that I haven’t been an active part of her first and second trimesters. She even expressed resentment that when I do indeed get pregnant, I won’t have to worry about hurting anyone with my happiness unlike the way I guess I’ve "jaded" her experience.

After thinking this over today, I am once again flabbergasted at her response to our situation, particularly considering that she’s been where I am. I suppose that when one is blessed with an embryo, it is socially acceptable for her to feel whatever she wants. Meanwhile, my empty uterus apparently doesn’t entitle me to take care of myself. Let me clarify by saying that I have been congratulatory and as supportive as I can be of her pregnancy. However, emotionally, I can’t handle the day-to-day baby development stuff, designing the nursery, and hearing how her husband sings happy birthday to her belly every week.

I believe that self-care and self-preservation are key to overcoming infertility. I refuse to believe that the natural feelings that undoubtedly accompany this situation make me an ugly, bitter woman. To the contrary, I think I’m a healthy example of someone who loves my pregnant friends but who loves myself, L., and our unborn child more. What's so wrong with that?

Here We Go!

2008-06-26T22:45:00.000-04:00

Thanks to everyone who called or e-mailed yesterday to wish us well. We really appreciate the support from each of you more than you know. Yesterday was ultimately a good day, a moving day emotionally and very full of love. I am once again reminded of how much love is flowing through my life, and that’s very important as we travel through this process. I feel so very fortunate to have you all – especially you, Mom.

We now begin the two-week wait time, which is always the worst for me. I don’t know how many times L. has said to me over the last 20 months that I am a raging loon through these 14 days. I don’t know what it is, but I become a demon from Hell while I wait for another negative pregnancy test. I know that doesn’t sound like my thoughts are coming from some positive, happy place, but let’s get real – when you’ve dealt with 20 months worth of (all) negative pregnancy tests, it’s hard to believe you’ll every see anything but that lonely control line. We often laugh that we have no idea how we would react to two lines or a plus sign. We would probably have to be revived from shock!

Nonetheless, here we go. Here’s to hoping I can keep the breakdowns to a minimum (but I can’t make any guarantees – please keep your cell phones close by!).

We're Having People Over

2008-06-24T22:47:00.000-04:00

I’m realizing in this infertility journey that people ultimately react to you differently when you’re "childless" in much the same way I used to think that "marrieds" treated single people. Once people have a kid, all they really want is to be with people of their own kind, particularly when their child is old enough to walk, talk and generally have a personality. I’m fine with that I suppose. I guess it’s the natural order of events.

This morning I was told by a friend of mine (who is also the mother of a 1+ year-old child) that she didn’t have much time to visit this afternoon because they were "having people over" before she leaves for a long trip over the summer on Thursday. I couldn’t help but think about the fact that this time a year or so ago, we would have been "the people" and now I’m not even privy to who the hell "the people" are.

Of course, I’m processing this information as my body is desperately trying to manage raging hormones (on top of the ones I have naturally!) so maybe I’m a little over the edge here. It’s just that us being "childless" sure didn’t seem to matter to these friends when we rushed to the hospital to see their new baby or when we dropped everything to attend a first birthday party earlier this year.

L. says it’s just the way things are…when you have kids, you want to see your kids with other kids. Well, when you’re in your 30s and childless, the injustice of infertility sure doesn’t do anything for your social life, and on a more painful note, it really makes you question the depth of your relationships to begin with.

On to tomorrow…for those of you who read this blog (and are unofficially members of "Team Infertility" – our most faithful supporters), I know you’ll be thinking of us and our three follicles. Please whisper a prayer for us and the millions of sperm who will be joining us in the morning.

3 Follicles and a Kid at the RE's office

2008-06-23T22:50:00.000-04:00

Well, we were sitting there trying to make the most of the clinic waiting room this morning (which is a challenge in and of itself) when in walks a couple with an INFANT!! Apparently, even the reproductive endocrinologist's office isn't safe anymore! The mother sat there and fed her infant with a bottle while the rest of us looked on, incredulous.

Overall, our visit today was a success. We have three mature follicles, and many others that have started to form. The RE said I was "responsive" to the medication. Good news. Horrible trigger shot tonight, and IUI scheduled for Wednesday.

I Sure as Hell Didn't Expect All This When I Decided to Have a Kid

2008-06-22T22:51:00.000-04:00

You know, when you start thinking about having a baby when you're like 5 years old, you certainly don't envision countless acronyms (IUI; IVF; TTC; BFP; BFN, etc.), catheters, semen analysis, progesterone levels and two week waits. So, when I recently found an intriguing blog during one of my millions of google searches about TTC (that's "Trying To Conceive"), I was captivated by a woman's (sometimes humorous) journey through the world of infertility. Today, it occurred to me that this might just be a therapeutic way for me to work through the highs and lows of this experience.

So, here goes: Tomorrow, at 8 a.m., I'm due at my RE's office for an ultrasound following four days of gonal-f injections. We're hoping for more than two follicles, as this is our second round of IUI, and according to my RE, we want more this time for success. Not sure I understand this logic as I'm a little frightened of ending up with more than we bargained for (i.e. triplets), but that's the nature of this crazy beast called infertility.

I have come to realize that infertility domineers when it strikes, and that it pretty much rules everything I do anymore (this I'm sure my husband, sisters and mother would agree with!). Today, I spent the afternoon with a good friend of mine deliberating whether or not I would be "up to" helping to plan and attend a baby shower of a friend of ours who isn't due for several months. I wanted to scream that of course I will not be up to attending a baby shower full of pink/blue, kids and a bunch of other pregnant women, but I didn't think that would be appropriate in the middle of a crowded coffee shop.

It's pretty ridiculous that I'm already worrying about this, but that's what you do when you're trying to get pregnant. After 20 months of disappointment, you pretty much learn to plan for the worst...no matter how far ahead it may be. I no longer think..."well, I might be pregnant by then..." Instead, I think..."well, by then I'll be in the middle of my first IVF cycle - I don't know if me and my hormones will be able to tolerate the pregnant bellies and onesies."