Protocol Is In...

Nurse Nightingale called this afternoon with my brand new protocol.

Here's the plan:

1. Birth control pills until 1/18/09


2. Call Nurse Nightingale THE MINUTE Aunt Flo swooshes in


3. Baseline on cycle day 2 or 3


4. Begin 150 mg. Gonal F in the morning


5. Begin 150 mg. of Menopur at night


6. When follicles reach 13 mm, begin using Cetrocide

If everything goes according to plan (and I am based in reality this cycle, so that's a big IF), egg retrieval and transfer should be sometime early February.

I know very little about Menopur and Cetrocide other than that I am being fed no drugs which directly suppress ovarian function. Per Nightingale, my brain will be doing the work.

Hmmm..that sounds eerily reminiscent of Clomid, my scary drug.

I'm actually feeling fortunate that Dr. A. doesn't want to do "more of the same". When you're playing around with this kind of money, it's nice to know there's a little variety in the gamble, particularly when last time was such a flop.

Here's to a very expensive rendezvous with the pharmacy....

The Verdict Is In, Another Sleepless Night & The Joys of Pregnant Friends

The GREAT news is that most of my test results are in, and the verdict is good. I am a "clean girl" (in other words, I'm STD-free).

Also, my Clomid Challenge test results were, in the words of the IVF nurse, "beautiful - exactly what we hope to see."

While I am genuinely thrilled with this news, I remain perplexed because I am consumed with questions about why all of this is happening. I keep thinking that if everything looks this good, why have I not been able to get knocked up for 22 months (and counting..)? Also, I am more overcome with fear about everything that's ahead of us. Thoughts of enlarged ovaries and daily shots are looking a little more reality based, and that's catalyzing gut-wrenching, anxiety-in-the-middle-of-the-night-kind-of-fear. In fact, I'm currently having a Infertility/Clomid-sponsored sleepless night, which has given me the opportunity to write this post.

Tomorrow, I am hanging out with a couple of my friends who I've been avoiding like the plague. One is pregnant (per her second IVF cycle) and the other one is trying for her second child (in essence she'll be with child by next month). I'm dreading both of these encounters because I don't feel comfortable being honest about my feelings with either one of them. You will probably be hearing more about them in upcoming posts because we're starting baby shower preparations for the one who is pregnant.

You would think that my friend who's been through two rounds of IVF would be a great support to have right now, but frankly many of my childless friends have been more understanding than she has. I don't know how many times I've heard her say in response to my IVF quandries, "IVF scared me mainly because I knew it was the last resort...if it didn't work, I knew I would have to face the fact that I just couldn't have a baby."

If that one doesn't do it for you, consider this one: "You just have to remember that IVF doesn't always happen on the first time...but maybe it'll work by the second go-around."

Hmmm....as an IVF inductee, I have to tell you, these were comforting words to curl up with at night.

I don't know why I feel compelled to continue with these relationships. I'm really questioning that right now. Perhaps it's because they've historically been good friends (when babies were not part of the equation). Or maybe it's because it seems like the "right thing to do", like I should push myself to help with this baby shower as a demonstration of faith in God that it's going to happen for me someday.

Still deliberating about this one.

Another trip to the Clinic scheduled for Tuesday for IVF teaching.

Holiday From What's To Come...

I won't be posting for the next few days because L & I are taking a road trip. We're driving to Washington D.C. to hang out, have a few drinks and pretend we're that couple we used to know who actually enjoyed the freedom of a childless lifestyle.

I'm soooo excited about getting away for a few days and thinking about nothing relevant at all. I'm taking a holiday from the impending needles, evil Clomid and BCP (I cannot believe I'm going to be taking the pill again in a few weeks - one of IF's bitter ironies!).

Thank you all so much for your feedback about our "to tell or not to tell" dilemma. Still on the fence, but praying for resolution. We'll figure it out, but the important thing is that I feel so supported right now. It's amazing what that does for my mood state! I feel so blessed.

Clomid Challenge Update: Waiting for Day 1: AF should grace us with her presence in approximately one week!