Friday, May 8, 2009

Upcoming Ultrasound and Stuff


I haven't been doing too much blogging lately, and I don't really know why. Perhaps it's because the evenings are particularly rough for me - it's usually when nausea kicks in full force. I'm very fortunate that it rarely plagues me at work.

We are 11 weeks today, next ultrasound is Monday, and I have mixed feelings about it. I'm very excited about seeing how much our baby has grown, and I have no reason to believe that the news will be anything but positive. However, the infertility journey changes you...and there's still that nagging feeling that the other shoe is getting ready to drop...

Things have been going well overall. I vascillate between extreme excitement and fear all the time, which is interesting with the hormones running through my body.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how the infertility experience alters the pregnancy experience, like it or not. Every aspect, every successful day seems so much more precious. I literally thank God at the end of every day for getting us through another one.

I went to a party last weekend and was surprised that I felt the familiar lump in my throat when I saw a couple of women there with their infants. Those feelings don't just go away...there's still that odd, sickening mixture of jealousy accompanied by guilt for feeling anything negative at all.

I'm hoping that those feelings will start to dissolve at some point. It's ironic because after one of those moms left the party, I learned from a friend of mine that she and her husband went through 3 rounds of IVF to get their little girl. Amazing how I never even considered that when I first saw them there.

Also of note, my 40 year old boss is pregnant. It was a complete accident, and I think she's becoming more and more excited about it. It's been interesting working with someone whose experience is so opposite of my own in so many ways.

I'll post after Monday's ultrasound. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. I think I'm in the mood for some chocolate tonight (and I think I'm actually going to let myself have it - I've been religiously avoiding caffeine in any form - ugh).

11 comments:

Cassandra said...

Good luck on Monday!

Emily said...

Thinking of you!!!

Hope2morrow said...

Hang in there. Can't wait to hear Monday's good news from your appointment and hope you get to hear the baby and see him/her!

Alex and Jill said...

I know how you feel. I'm constantly giving this pregnancy/baby to God. On a daily basis, it seems. Praying your apptm goes well on Monday.

Our due dates are really close together! :)

((HUGS))

Lauren said...

I'm 100% with you on the strange nagging feelings around women with babies or who "accidentally" get pregnant. It's not so much an irritation anymore with me, but I guess it's more of just an acknowledgement of how different our journey has been. Good luck at the appt Monday. I'm just a hair over two weeks ahead of you. (13 weeks this past Friday.)

nishkanu said...

I'm around the same point as you. I too find myself when well-meaning friends and family say something like "you'll be needing that extra bedroom in your house soon" or "you won't be going out to eat so much when the baby comes" saying "Well, we'll see what happens" or "hopefully we will be so lucky" - anything to calm down the expectations that this baby will actually make it to term. But also very very excited for the first time to have made it so far.

Well, we'll see. :)

Jane G said...

Best of luck today!

cady said...

you totally described my feelings. even though i know there's no reason to think anything is wrong, it's hard to get rid of that nagging feeling. i am counting down the days until my 12-week u/s! and, i too still feel jealous when i see pregnant women or women with babies. i wonder when that will go away. good luck with your u/s!

KandiB said...

i have just 5 weeks left and STILL have moments of worry and disbelief. It has eased a lot, especially around the 20th week. And, I sincerely hope you're able to be more relaxed than I, but I think it's completely normal. It's hard to be too excited when you've been disappointed time and time again. I hope today's appt goes well. I'll be waiting to hear!

just me said...

Wishing you the best on Monday when you get to see your little pea again. I remember when I was pregnant being a nervous wreck the entire time waiting for "the other shoe to drop". I was miserable the entire time, but it was so worth it to hold my sweet baby. She is my greatest blessing. I know that it is a struggle to feel the joy right now, but I am confident that you will wake up one morning and it will all hit you....... you ARE a mommy!!! YOU are going to have a BABY! WOW!!

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