Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Holiday From What's To Come...

I won't be posting for the next few days because L & I are taking a road trip. We're driving to Washington D.C. to hang out, have a few drinks and pretend we're that couple we used to know who actually enjoyed the freedom of a childless lifestyle.

I'm soooo excited about getting away for a few days and thinking about nothing relevant at all. I'm taking a holiday from the impending needles, evil Clomid and BCP (I cannot believe I'm going to be taking the pill again in a few weeks - one of IF's bitter ironies!).

Thank you all so much for your feedback about our "to tell or not to tell" dilemma. Still on the fence, but praying for resolution. We'll figure it out, but the important thing is that I feel so supported right now. It's amazing what that does for my mood state! I feel so blessed.

Clomid Challenge Update: Waiting for Day 1: AF should grace us with her presence in approximately one week!

Saturday, July 26, 2008

It Feels Like Pulling My Pants Down In Public, But...

The thought of "announcing" our IVF plans feels a little like pulling my pants down in front of everyone I know. However, now that we have officially decided to go forward with IVF, this is our dilemma: Do we just put what we're doing out there into the cosmos and hope for the best?

We have already shared with our parents. At this point, I'm suggesting being even more open with our infertility diagnosis and just treating it as a medical issue for which we need (and deserve) support from everyone in our lives.

I really want input re: this because it's something I'm very conflicted about. On one hand, we think it would decrease the stress we feel about heading into something so taxing and that it might normalize it to some degree. For example, we recently started making plans with several of our college friends to attend football homecoming at our alma mater, only to realize after meeting with our RE that we will most likely be in the middle of egg retrieval when that date rolls around. Part of me just wants to e-mail our college friends (90% of whom have at least one child already) and just say, "Look, we're infertile and we're going for the big guns - we probably won't be able to make it. Deal with it."

That would be so freeing. And, it would allow people the opportunity to pray for us and to be more sensitive about asking about our plans to start a family.

However, allowing people the opportunity to be more sensitive doesn't exactly mean that's what we'll get...which is why I liken this openness to pulling one's pants down in an arena full of wide-eyed faces. I think about my sister-in-law, for example. For those of you who don't know her (and trust me, I complain about her to anyone who will listen), she has to be one of the most insensitive people I've ever encountered. The things that fly out of her mouth are often head turning and nothing short of incredible. I find my head spinning as I think....Did she really just make excuses in front of our mother-in-law for a woman who cheated on her husband????

My point is that telling allows people to be even more insensitive to my growing vulnerability. And, trust me, I've never felt more vulnerable about anything in my life as I am about this infertility thing. I also don't want people's pity - as the days go by, I feel more accepting that this is what God has put in front of us, and I feel so fortunate to be going through it with the absolute best man for me. Also, in some strange way, I feel blessed to have this experience with L. because it's taken our relationship to a level I don't think it could have otherwise reached. I think that going through infertility changes your relationship forever, and you learn things about each other you would have never otherwise known.

So, this is my quandry, and I'm particularly interested in what those of you out there in the IF world think. Did you tell or did you not and what was the outcome?

Friday, July 25, 2008

Brangelina - Seriously?

I just have to comment on how ridiculous all this hullabaloo is about The Beautiful Ones. I admit, I am sometimes mesmerized by the gossip rags in the grocery check-out aisle, although this week I've sworn them off for good (I actually had a mini-breakdown Wednesday evening after running to the grocery and becoming overwhelmed by the glossy covers and beautiful faces proclaiming Hollywood's fertility).

And, now this! Brad & Angelina used IVF "because they didn't want to wait" for another child. Are you kidding me?

I mean, if indeed The Beautiful Ones suffered with secondary infertility, I empathize and wish they would just say so! This could actually be an OPPORTUNITY to advocate for those of us struggling with infertility!

I don't know, perhaps it's all just gossip, in which case, I have nothing more to say.

However, if it is true, I think those two really missed the boat. It's amazing to me that someone would willingly put themselves through enlarged ovaries, countless needles and ass bruising just because they can.

Give me a break!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

A Sign

I've experienced a sign that we're headed in the right direction with our IF decisions. I've wanted to write about this for a couple of weeks or so, but I just had to let it all sink in first because it has been so very moving to me.

About a month ago, my CEO explained to me that he was reassigning me to a new position, developing a new program 45 miles north of where I'm working. I protested and finally explained to him that L & I were considering IVF. I explained that I didn't want or need this stress in my life right now.

He didn't care. He kept saying that this is where he wanted me to go, where I belonged.

I prayed and prayed, and I ultimately accepted that this guy was going to send me where he wanted, and I was just going to have to deal with it. I decided that it certainly wasn't the time to be out job-searching, especially while we're figuring out how to finance this whole IVF thing.

And, then my phone rang. An old boss of mine asked me to come to her Agency and manage branch of a program I'm already running. She offered me more money, and she was really encouraging and supportive when I told her about IVF.

In my heart and mind, I know this was all clearly Divine Intervention.

So, I'm starting my new job mid-August, and for the first time in a long time, I'm actually feeling excited about my work.

Most importantly, I find myself very reassured for the first time in a long time. We're walking in the right direction.

Friday, July 18, 2008

We Are Going to Proceed...

I would have updated much sooner than this re: our appointment on Thursday, but as it turns out, I had to literally force myself to go due to a raging virus I woke up with early on Thursday morning. I'll spare you the details (you really don't want to know), but suffice to say that today is the first time I've been able to hold anything down since then. It was horrible, but I refused to cancel the appointment because I didn't know when L. & I would be able to coordinate schedules again.

Essentially, we met with a nice, matter-of-fact doctor who presented us with both sides of IVF. She explained why it is controversial in some respects, and she encouraged us to consider it from all sides before we proceed. I liked this about her, along with the fact that she took the time to draw us a diagram of the process we're talking about undergoing. She also expressed that there were several tests we would undergo next month, so we won't be able to begin the process officially until September. Ultimately, she said that we have good odds since I'm under 35, and that IVF is a reasonable "next step" in our situation.

So, we're going to do this. We need to call and get some testing scheduled next week, but we've decided that this is the best "next step" for us.

L. made a poignant comment on our way home from the appointment as we were discussing the pros/cons of IVF. He said that, often, children are brought into more stable family environments when they're born to people in their thirties. He thinks that perhaps God gave the world IVF to help those of us who are having a little difficulty doing so.

If this experience has taught me anything so far, it's that I am absolutely, positively married to an incredible man.

And, we are going to proceed together.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Anxiety and Stuff

Well, tomorrow is our appointment with the RE and the clinic where we think we're going to do IVF. I'm a little nervous this evening for some reason..not sure why. I'm starting to realize, slowly, that this is really happening, and that we're really going to go through with this IVF thing.

L. keeps pointing out that we're in this together, which is such a comforting thought. I think I'll hang onto that one this morning at 3 a.m. when I feel like I'm going to crawl out of my skin with anxiety. :)

I am more at peace with this. I haven't had a single case of the "why me's" in a couple of weeks. I have accepted this path in our journey, but I'm still scared.

Stay tuned.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Apparently I'm Light in the Belt...

....or so my British acupuncturist tells me. She actually suggested that I incorporate more protein and fat into my diet. And, she said that intense cardio (i.e. running) is a no-no, particularly if there are suspected ovulatory problems.

So, in essence, I guess if I go stuff chocolate ice cream in my mouth while laying on the couch watching Tila Tequila, I'll be pregnant in a flash.

Seriously, I really liked her, and she is going to work with me throughout my IVF, which statistically improves our chances. I guess this is my chance to learn to relax a little...that's what this whole infertility thing keeps coming back to...

Today's Highlights:

1. AF officially arrived. She never ceases to shock the hell out of me when she gets here, and I hate her more and more each month. I find that she is particularly brutal after a month of injectibles.

2. The following conversation with one of my staff, first thing this morning at work:

Me: Good Morning.

Staff: Hi, I have news I just know you'll love, and it's not work-related.

Me (cringing): Oh, really?

Staff: Yes, I'm pregnant! I don't want to get too excited yet....

The remainder of the conversation was me convincing her to phone her doctor to discuss her worries while trying to maintain a neutral facial expression as AF slowly began overtaking my body with cramps.

Well, I guess there is a silver lining to all of this - I'm on my period, and I've just been given official permission to devour a pan full of brownies. I'm off to gain 15 or so...

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

And The Roller Coaster Ride Continues....

Well, this morning began with yet another BFN (that's BIG FAT NEGATIVE - for those of you on Team Fertility who may not be familiar with all these cyber fertility acronyms, see the key I've created to the right). Day 28 has come and almost gone, and I'm still just as kidless as I was when the day began.

I've cried several times today, but I'm staring IVF right in the face. For the first time in my life, I'm not completely freaked out - just a little frightened. Trust me, that's progress compared to the hyperventilation I experienced the first time my RE mentioned that we were "good candidates for IVF". In fact, yesterday I ran across a copy of the letter my RE wrote to my gynecologist after our initial consultation. He referred to me as "very communicative" and a "little distressed about my infertility". Damn, this man is a genius. With that brilliant mind, surely he can help us create a real live embryo.

Tomorrow is my first appointment with my acupuncturist.

And, the ride continues....

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

If I Were an Embryo, Would I Want to Live Inside My Uterus?

....All this positive thought over the last few days made me think a lot about the energy I'm creating inside my body as I react to the natural pitfalls of life. Things that tend to really drive me crazy:
  • Constant change and shifting at work
  • My sister-in-law (whether I see her or not, I flinch even when I hear her name!)
  • The Why-Me Syndrome
  • Waiting for the "Bullet" of hearing about the next pregnant person I know in my life

I've been thinking about the atmosphere my reactions to these issues might be creating inside my body. Allowing myself a good cry now and then is one thing, but ruminating over all the "small stuff" in life can't be helpful in creating a warm, fuzzy place for our future child to live and grow.

So, I've spent the last 48 hours trying to figure out ways to improve my general sense of well-being. Here's what I've come up with:

  1. Walking instead of running...taking time breathe. I know, I know, running doesn't hurt your changes of getting pregnant. Still, I can't help but wonder if brisk walking with a lot of deep breathing, good music and the benefit of endorphin production might be more productive in terms of what we're trying to accomplish. I love running, but perhaps it's become symbolic of me being unable to keep from slowing down to relax and enjoy life. I want to work on creating a quiet, meditative environment in my body during the act of exercise and not after. There's plenty of time to train for the next 10-K!
  2. Doing things for myself. Today, I got a pedicure, and it felt really good.
  3. Taking a moment to celebrate life's accomplishments that have nothing to do with procreation. I had an amazing job offer yesterday, and L. is starting to schedule interviews! These are things to feel good about...with or without a child in the picture!
  4. Scheduling an acupuncture appointment. I go a week from tomorrow, and I think it'll be great to see what impact I can have on my ability to relax. This accupuncturist does a lot of work with infertility and has requested to see my FSH results, etc. I think that's a good sign.
  5. Blogging. It's been such an incredible inspiration to me over the last couple of weeks to start recording my thoughts on-line. The therapeutic benefit is amazing!! Reading your blogs has also helped me immeasurably as I've realized I'm not alone in the world!! I have particularly enjoy the I Believe in Miracle's Blog ( and I'm moved at the encouragement to support one another in this particular blog.

So, that's where I am today - trying to discern ways of making my body a more welcoming place. I'm also trying to believe that God is going to give us a child, one way or the other, and everything is going to work out.

How's that for optimism on Day 21?