Friday, July 10, 2009

20 Weeks

The halfway point. We're here.

I'm not sure why it's been nearly 10 weeks since I've posted - I know now from personal experience that getting pregnant does not erase the battle wounds of the last 2 1/2 years.

I originally wanted to post about every aspect of my pregnancy, but somehow it didn't seem appropriate to do so this in this forum because every time I did, I felt like I was evoking pain for someone else. I know that's presumptuous - I mean, in all likelihood if my posts caused pain for anyone out there, surely they'd just stop reading my blog. I know that, but it still felt like "that girl" who can't stop talking about her pregnancy, and my heart has been broken by that person so many times throughout this experience in my life.

Nonetheless, I am inspired to post today to commemorate the midpoint of our pregnancy.

Significant events of the last 9 weeks:
  • We've moved to a new city and are getting settled into a completely new life. I'm not currently working and probably won't for the next few months, which is a huge life transition for me. I've been a career girl for the last 11 years of my life, and taking time off is not something I ever planned - it's just that finding employment at 5 months pregnant in the (ailing) nonprofit world is probably not a great likelihood at this point. I think it's a God-given opportunity to take a break, be pregnant and re-evaluate my life. I feel very blessed (albeit somewhat displaced) to have this time.

  • We are having a little girl. We did not learn this in the way I thought we would - I didn't wake up one morning and think, "Today we'll find out the sex of our child." In fact, like many things in life (i.e. not being able to conceive at will), this fact did not reveal itself in at all the way I imagined that it would. I had a very scary spotting episode en route to vacation at 17 weeks, 4 days. It was the single scariest moment of my life. Unfortunately, I discovered this 1 hour into a two hour flight. We cancelled everything as soon as we landed and headed straight to an ER (which wasn't an easy task to accomplish in Newark, NJ). God led us to a wonderful ER in Somerville, NJ, and we received the care we needed. The spotting stopped as soon as it started and hasn't returned. There was no specific reason given for the episode other than it may have been a bursting capillary on my cervix or the result of a low lying placenta. We'll find out more about the low lying placenta in an ultrasound scheduled for next Friday. Interestingly, in the hour following the spotting discovery on the plane, my thoughts were not of needles, swollen ovaries and egg retrievals - all I could think about was the little face on the ultrasound and the most intense fear that our baby was in distress. It was a horrible moment.

  • My relationship with my IVF friend is officially over. Long story short, I attempted to graciously share the news of our pregnancy with her at 12 weeks before she heard of it from someone else, and subsequently received a nasty response in which I was told I was a "black cloud" that hung over her pregnancy because she had to "walk on eggshells" throughout it because of me. A disappointment, for certain, but a relationship I will never again question putting in my rearview mirror.

I don't know if I'll start posting again. I've noticed that sometimes people create new pregnancy blogs, which I can completely understand. But somehow, this doesn't feel like the right venue for me because I still feel like infertility is undeniably my shadow, even throughout pregnancy: in no way does it feel like a part of my life that's completely finished. I've considered creating a new family blog when our our baby makes her appearance, but that's still very much a dream for me.

Pregnancy post infertility is a moment in life that, to me, has been like a long drink of water after a prolonged drought. I cherish every single minute and revere my growing belly and all 12 pounds of my weight gain. I am still in awe of the whole process and can't quite get over the miracle growing inside me.

I still read your posts and pray regularly that there resolve is on the horizon. This journey is one that seems without ending, although pregnancy resulting from a treatment cycle is accompanied by a profound joy that is no comparison for the feelings experienced by someone who conceives after 2 months of trying.

And no one will ever convince me otherwise.


Anonymous said...

This was a beautiful post. I am 19 weeks after 2 ectopics and 2 failed IVF cycles and your words really spoke to me here. I hope you are finding your own ways to document and celebrate this journey. Don't deny yourself that special gift that you'll love looking back on years from now. I'm glad to hear things are going well and how exciting you're having a girl! YIPPEE!

I Believe in Miracles said...

Good to hear from you! Congrats on the time off, the little girl and moving. Still praying for you.

Emma's Mommy said...

I haven't commented in forever, but I frequently have checked in to see how you were doing. I knew from speaking with J that you were doing well. I am sooooo incredibly happy for you! It is such a mixed bag of blessings to have experienced everything you have and to now be where you are. But what a joy to feel your little girl move inside of you!! A GIRL!!! I love girls, but I may be a bit biased :-) Congrats to you and L and I hope that you do continue to keep posting.

womb for improvement said...

Great to hear things are going swimmingly. I hear your doubts about what is appropriate to write, but it is your blog and it is true, people don't have to read.

courtney said...

I'm glad you posted. I hope to hear from you as you have a chance, it's exciting to hear the finish (or beginning) of these success stories. Do as you will of course, but I'd love to keep hearing more!

Lauren said...

I think I could have written your post myself! I agree with all you said. Writing on an infertility blog when you've finally become pregnant is difficult. It's hard to know what to say. And I too agree that, although I know it's very exciting anytime anyone gets pregnant, and I don't mean to take away from anyone else's joy, I think it is a different feeling when you are carrying a child after years of trying...different from someone who doesn't know what it's like to have to wait.

Good to hear from you. We just found out we're having a girl too!

who said life is fair said...

awesome post!
congrats on the little life growing inside of you being a girl! sorry about the circumstances in which you found out.
So glad all is well now.

I agree w/ another poster that it's nice to see these successes through. Because we know it doesn't become any easier once you get that BFP.

Keep posting.

Jane G said...

Great to hear from you Lesley. I was checking in on you every so often wondering how you were doing.

Congrats on reaching the halfway mark and on your little girl! I would love to keep reading about your pregnancy and I pray that it's all smooth going from here on for you.

KandiB said...

That was a great post - its so true...hard to make that transition from infertility blog to pregnancy blog (and now for me) to parenthood blog. But, I stand firm that once an infertile, always an infertile. My posts are always tinged by my experience, my loss, my joy, etc. Keep this one going...there are so many like you who understand how complicated it all is.

Angie said...

You have been nominated for the "One Lovely Blog" award; details on my blog.

Jane G said...

Hi Leslie
Just wondering how you are doing. You haven't blogged in a good while. Hope all is well there!
Jane x

Pixiemrrr said...

please dont stop your story helps give me hope when i have none.