Introducing Another IVF "Friend"....

After a great visit with my shrink yesterday afternoon, I walked out into the sunshine actually believing it was okay to feel hopeful about this cycle. She helped me understand that we'll be disappointed (okay, devastated) if this doesn't work, but there's nothing wrong with feeling some hope right now.

Essentially, it's going to suck either way if it's a negative.

After my appointment, I went to have coffee with an old friend I haven't seen in many months. I initiated this time with her because we will be moving in a few months, and I wanted to reconnect with her. She's a bit on the intense side, but I thought it would be a good diversion. She's one half of a couple with no kids, so I knew there would be no baby talk.

Well, I thought I knew.

We talked work for about 30 minutes, from which she launched into a discussion about her recent IVF cycle: "If you ever need a fertility specialist, I know a really good one. We just went through an IVF cycle. By the way, I'm 9 weeks pregnant."

She suggested the specialist in the same tone one would recommend a dentist or a hairstylist.

I was astounded and couldn't help but stammer that we just gone through the same thing. It seemed like the natural thing to do given the circumstances - I mean, I don't typically have coffee with someone for the first time in months only to hear that they just underwent IVF.

Big Mistake.

Her response: "Well, if it doesn't work, I know this great specialist..."

The remainder of the conversation was me listening to her complain about her pregnancy symptoms and how awful being pregnant is - "I'm soooo tired of being sick, and all I want to do is eat. This is just awful."

Needless to say, after a few minutes, I thought of somewhere else I needed to be and abruptly ended this fiasco.

I am realizing that IVF has many faces, and amazingly, simply going through it doesn't mean that you have an ounce of empathy or compassion. I have now encountered two women who have ridden the IVF roller coaster, and I couldn't feel farther apart from either of them in terms of their emotional response to this experience.

Today, I'm moving on from this horrific coffee date. Frankly, a few more months of separation from this friend (if not a permanent arrangement) might definitely be in order.

The Gremlins in My Back Seat

Approximately 10 minutes into my session with the Infertility Shrink today, she stopped me and said, "You've already given up on this, haven't you?"

I sat there in disbelief that this woman deciphered my soul in all of a few minutes. (Damn, I'm one complex chick.)

And, I admitted it: "Yes, I've decided that IVF isn't going to work for us."

She responded by saying, "You're not ready for this then."

Then she broke it down for me: I have "befriended" all of the painful disappointments over the last 27 months: Every month of negatives, every failed treatment cycle, every pain at someone else being pregnant (again), every moment of utter hell this experience has catalyzed. These failings are all sitting right behind me. And, I spend a lot of time nurturing these little "friends", feeding them, caring for them and in general, feeling sorry for myself (which I absolutely will not deny).

In turn, they're holding me back and prohibiting me from looking forward.

I argued with her at first, telling her that I'm not into this positive thinking stuff because, come on, IVF is anything but a rainbows and butterflies kind of experience.

And, she agreed with that. However, she said that IVF is moving forward, and it's the movement toward our dream of becoming parents that we want. Meanwhile, the Gremlins in my backseat are tugging at me, begging me to stay back with them and have a few drinks. And, frankly, I find the Gremlins hard to resist - the pain of infertility sucks, and there's just nothing like a little self pity to take the edge off.

However, my IF Shrink says that I need to be in a better place if we're going to proceed with this cycle. And if I keep looking backward, hanging out with my Gremlin pals, I'm not going to be able to move onward.

I knew last week that I needed to get a grip on my perspective. My Shrink says that I have to accept that this is our experience, and that it is independent of everyone else's pregnancies, babies and children.

She said that I also have to accept the timing element of this thing (and the lack of control I have over it). If we haven't come through an IVF cycle yet, then the timing wasn't right, and when it is, we will move through.

And, I need to learn to squash those dumbasses in the backseat.

Back to the (in)Fertility Shrink

I made an appointment with the (in)Fertility Shrink for next Thursday. I haven't seen her in several months, but I am going to have get some perspective on all of this - I'm not doing very well with it at all.

I've been asking myself a very difficult question since yesterday, and it keeps going through my head over and over again: Why didn't I call earlier? Why did I wait until 10 days after I stopped the pill to call those nurses?

I am not blaming myself for this. I am, however, questioning the fact that I am not a lackadaisical person about these kinds of things. I am the overly worried, neurotic, anal-retentive patient who begs the ultrasound tech to tell me everything she's seeing as she sees it. I carry a green three ring binder to all my appointments. I am the patient who drives these nurses crazy with question after question.

My sister called me Monday evening and asked, "So, has it started yet?"

My response was, "No, and I'm not really worried about it. It'll start when it starts."

That's not like me because I really was feeling a sense of apathy. Obviously. I waited 10 whole days to do anything about it.

I think a part of me is so tired that I don't even want to think about it anymore. I've enjoyed my break, and I'm not overly enthused about getting back into the game.

So tell me, have you ever just felt like enough is enough, and how in the hell did you find it in yourself to keep trudging through this?

By the way, this is not a rhetorical question - I would really like your feedback. I need some momentum. Badly.