Monday, September 15, 2008

The Great Big Spotted Elephant & The Plague


Today I'm struggling with the sickening irony that I'm preparing to throw a baby shower for my friend three days after I start shooting myself up with Lupron. And if that's not ironic enough, consider the fact that we'll be in the 2ww when she gives birth.

This is my friend who absolutely doesn't get it. For those girls out there who procreate like rabbits - I don't expect much understanding (and am pleasantly surprised when I get it). However, perhaps I expect a little more of her given that she's been through IVF twice.

To the contrary, her understanding of what I'm going through reminds me of a spoiled girl who expects you to be her primary wedding planner while you're amidst the nastiest divorce.

Many months ago, in an effort to salvage the relationship, I encouraged her to process this whole situation with me. This wasn't easy as she prefers to ignore the growing, fat, spotted elephant in the living room. Ultimately, however, she expressed that she wished it had been me who got pregnant first because she would have handled it "so much better" than I did.

If you can't tell, I'm still having a hard time with that one. I guess I wasn't aware that there is a "right" or a "wrong" way of handling this situation. I certainly don't remember expressing anything like that to her while she was going through it. How soon she has forgotten that now that IF is in her backyard instead of her front!!

Frankly, I feel the need to protect myself through this process from her and people like her who always have a healthy dose of negativity to heap on me. I guess the old adage applies here - if you don't have anything nice to say, just don't say anything at all.

And if you insist on continuing to talk, I'm not just going to sit back and listen.

I'm going to avoid you like the plague - after I help with your baby shower, of course.

That's what "supportive" friends do for each other, isn't it?

14 comments:

Carrie said...

Yikes - I've been running from baby showers for the past three years now so you're way more brave than I am to be planning one.

I've got to warn you though... I'm doing my first IVF right now and Lupron was absolute hell on me. The morning of the third day of the injections, I woke up a basket case. Went to bed feeling fine the night before, woke up and wanted to kill everyone and everything in sight. Obviously, everyone reacts differently to different drugs, but I found out that day where infertile bloggers came up with "Lupron Rage."

Hope2morrow said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. I think you have every right to protect yourself and am glad you are going to do it.

Lupron only gave me headaches, and I had trouble sleeping. Other than that, I didn't think it was horrific. I hope the Lupron is easy on you, especially sine you are planning your friend's baby shower. Bless your heart.

B.Bear said...

That is rough. So far, I haven't discussed my IF with any of my friends...or my family for that matter. I would imagine that they either wouldn't understand or I would get pretty much the same response you have from your friend. I have found a lot of support and comfort from friends online though. Good luck with the baby shower and don't forget that even if she isn't there for you right now, we are. Even if you do get the "Lupron Rage" :-)

mommy of girls said...

Praying.

Take care you.
J

nancy said...

Wow. That sucks. And she went through 2 IVFs? Did she go right to IVF so she doesn't understand the pain of years of trying brings you?

womb for improvement said...

Thank God Baby Showers are rare in the UK. I'd find them incredibly difficult.

But I'm pretty stunned that your friend who has told you that you aren't handling it "as well as she would" still expects you to organise it. Attend sure, grit your teeth, but organise it? Sounds like a big ask. Hope it goes OK

I Believe in Miracles said...

That is so brave of you to plan a shower. Her comment just stinks. You think she'd get it. Seriously?! What's up.

I hope you're doing ok on the Lupron!!!

I Believe in Miracles said...

Oh - I love this elephant too!!

Care to share your list of questions?? That's a great idea. I need to start writing mine down. I definitely want to compare notes.

I Believe in Miracles said...

Thanks for sharing. I would add:

1. What sort of monitoring will be done throughout the timeline? (this sort of falls under travel, but my clinic mentioned once I start, I need to be fully committed and be there - which I wonder about with the 2 weddings we're planning on attending)
2. Number of eggs they are aiming to retrieve? I've seen a lot about quality vs. quantity.
3. How many eggs planned for the transfer?
4. Statistic, probability, expectations - when will I hear about what your prognosis is during our timeline?
5. Heard about possible bed rest for 2 days after transfer... is that suggested?

I need to ask about getting my meds - not sure if they're over the counter or special ordered.

That's all I have for now. If you think of anything you forgot, let me know and I can add it to my list and ask on Thursday.

Alex and Jill said...

I've planned my sister-in-laws showers for the past couple of years while going through IVF...it's hard, very hard. I found that being the hostess and staying busy the entire time helped me to not focus on the baby stuff. I just focused on refilling someones drink or putting out more hors dourves.

I'm sorry your friend isn't being sensitive to you and your situation. I totally get wanting to protect yourself...you have to do what's best for you.

You're a good friend to help plan her shower.

((HUGS))

Xbox4NappyRash said...

This I really don't understand, how can she have been through 2 IVFs and not understand?

...love Maegan said...

HOw the hell does she know if she would have "handled it better than you"? Most likely, she would have handled it worse. I don't know her {or you:)} but people who say things like that are usually the biggest offenders.

That's a tough spot to be in. I would want to RUN away from it as well.

Penny said...

Well I hope she gets a whooping from her new role as Parent, another word for "must learn tolerance, grace and patience." Of course some folks don't learn that ever, but oh well.

rgram962 said...

What a wonderful friend you are! I would not do well with that witch but you are far more patient than I. You are such a generous and kind soul, I love you and am sorry that you are subjected to that abuse. I think you will be smart to avoid her, you do not need that negativity.
I hope you are o.k. and tolerating your new med well. Hang in there and know that I am praying for you.
Love You