Upcoming Ultrasound and Stuff

I haven't been doing too much blogging lately, and I don't really know why. Perhaps it's because the evenings are particularly rough for me - it's usually when nausea kicks in full force. I'm very fortunate that it rarely plagues me at work.

We are 11 weeks today, next ultrasound is Monday, and I have mixed feelings about it. I'm very excited about seeing how much our baby has grown, and I have no reason to believe that the news will be anything but positive. However, the infertility journey changes you...and there's still that nagging feeling that the other shoe is getting ready to drop...

Things have been going well overall. I vascillate between extreme excitement and fear all the time, which is interesting with the hormones running through my body.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how the infertility experience alters the pregnancy experience, like it or not. Every aspect, every successful day seems so much more precious. I literally thank God at the end of every day for getting us through another one.

I went to a party last weekend and was surprised that I felt the familiar lump in my throat when I saw a couple of women there with their infants. Those feelings don't just go away...there's still that odd, sickening mixture of jealousy accompanied by guilt for feeling anything negative at all.

I'm hoping that those feelings will start to dissolve at some point. It's ironic because after one of those moms left the party, I learned from a friend of mine that she and her husband went through 3 rounds of IVF to get their little girl. Amazing how I never even considered that when I first saw them there.

Also of note, my 40 year old boss is pregnant. It was a complete accident, and I think she's becoming more and more excited about it. It's been interesting working with someone whose experience is so opposite of my own in so many ways.

I'll post after Monday's ultrasound. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. I think I'm in the mood for some chocolate tonight (and I think I'm actually going to let myself have it - I've been religiously avoiding caffeine in any form - ugh).

IVF: The Hard Sell?

On Monday I called IVF Clinic #3, an operation that just opened in town. The Clinic is new, an offshoot of a larger clinic about an hour away, poised to take over this City because the clinic here (IVF Clinic #1, whom we fired long ago) truly sucks. (Our Clinic is 2 hours away, and going there was a very calculated decision after much consternation and research).

I called the office manager simply to ask if this new Clinic would be willing to take care of my monitoring. My empty uterus is tiring of hanging out in the OB waiting room alongside at least 20 pregnant bellies, all belonging to starry-eyed fertiles anticipating their magical moment ahead with the vagina cam.

Clinic #3's office manager, Michelle, was more than happy to respond to my request.

Before I knew it, Michelle spawned into a female version of Herb of WKRP fame, trying to sell me a used car. She proceeded to insult my current doctor, insisting that it would be "so easy" to fire Clinic #2 and use her clinic instead for our IVF cycle.

Me: Well, I'm not sure how we feel about switching at this point in the game, and our Clinic has a really renowned reputation.

Michelle/Herb: You know, Leslie, you all have dealt with a lot of setbacks with this. Maybe it was all meant to be - we're up and running and would be much closer to you. Maybe you were meant to go through IVF with us.

Me: Again, I just wanted to talk about ultrasounds and bloodwork. And, my husband is working late tonight. I'm not going to make any decisions without him.

Michelle/Herb: Really, Leslie, I can get you in with one of our docs first thing in the morning. Let me go over our price list with you.

Me: Goodbye.

I hung up the phone feeling violated. What kind of an idiot do you think I am? We spent months researching Clinic #2, and yes, Nurse Nightingale made a critical mistake last cycle. But, how stupid (and vulnerable) do you think I am?

Okay, I may be vulnerable and infertile, but I'm not an idiot.

Needless to say, looks like we're sticking with the OB-GYN.

Seeing the shrink tomorrow, and looking forward to it.

Weekly Highlights

1. I received an e-vite to a former coworker's baby shower. Ummm, no.

2. The obligatory work baby shower: I supervise a girl who is pregnant and was asked by another staff I supervise when we were going to start planning the shower.

My response: "Thanks for volunteering."

3. A former staff decided to pop in to show off her newborn baby. I pasted a smile on my face and forced myself out of my office to ooh and ahh about how wonderful she looks and how beautiful the baby is. As talk turned to the great tax break she got for her newborn child (apparently, the government loves fertiles too), she said, "Hey, do you girls mind if I breast feed?"

Ummmm, seriously?

Officially Lapped

Back in November, I went to coffee with a good friend of mine who I was sure was going to confirm what I already knew - that she was pregnant with #2.

The confirmation didn't come that night.

The evening was uneventful, and in the days that followed, before I knew it, two months had passed since we had spoken. This was previously a very close relationship, - we just seem to have less and less in common lately. It just feels like we don't fit anymore.

Nonetheless, I received the following e-mail from her last week:


Dear Leslie,

First of all, I apologize that I am writing you this in an email - please don't misunderstand it as impersonal or a lack of courage. I know that I can only try to imagine how you are feeling right now, but I think that I would prefer to receive these news in a way where I get a chance to digest it and do not have to make a happy face to my friend's bittersweet news. I guess, in the end, there is no perfect way to say this...

I am writing you today to tell you that I am pregnant. I know how hard it must be for you to hear yet another pregnancy announcement right now and how much it must hurt you. But not telling you wouldn't be fair either. Please do not feel like you have to react to this email right away. I am also not expecting you to sound excited when we do talk. I understand. I just want you to be yourself and say what you're feeling. Let's get together for coffee soon. Just let me know when is good for you.

I'm sorry, Leslie.


I have been so pained by this that I haven't responded, and I'm struggling with what to do here. Yes, I realize that it was incredibly thoughtful of her, and she is a very special person. I do not want to lose this relationship.

However, I don't feel like I can handle this right now. "Not talking about it" would be like ignoring the elephant in the living room, and sitting there across from her at coffee would be so painful for me. I remember when she told me she was pregnant with #1 - we had just gotten married and were getting ready to start trying ourselves. It's amazing to me that here we are, almost three years later and we're still running in place.

I'm interested in your thoughts and opinions about this before I respond.

Is it possible to take a Friendship Holiday?

The Gremlins in My Back Seat

Approximately 10 minutes into my session with the Infertility Shrink today, she stopped me and said, "You've already given up on this, haven't you?"

I sat there in disbelief that this woman deciphered my soul in all of a few minutes. (Damn, I'm one complex chick.)

And, I admitted it: "Yes, I've decided that IVF isn't going to work for us."

She responded by saying, "You're not ready for this then."

Then she broke it down for me: I have "befriended" all of the painful disappointments over the last 27 months: Every month of negatives, every failed treatment cycle, every pain at someone else being pregnant (again), every moment of utter hell this experience has catalyzed. These failings are all sitting right behind me. And, I spend a lot of time nurturing these little "friends", feeding them, caring for them and in general, feeling sorry for myself (which I absolutely will not deny).

In turn, they're holding me back and prohibiting me from looking forward.

I argued with her at first, telling her that I'm not into this positive thinking stuff because, come on, IVF is anything but a rainbows and butterflies kind of experience.

And, she agreed with that. However, she said that IVF is moving forward, and it's the movement toward our dream of becoming parents that we want. Meanwhile, the Gremlins in my backseat are tugging at me, begging me to stay back with them and have a few drinks. And, frankly, I find the Gremlins hard to resist - the pain of infertility sucks, and there's just nothing like a little self pity to take the edge off.

However, my IF Shrink says that I need to be in a better place if we're going to proceed with this cycle. And if I keep looking backward, hanging out with my Gremlin pals, I'm not going to be able to move onward.

I knew last week that I needed to get a grip on my perspective. My Shrink says that I have to accept that this is our experience, and that it is independent of everyone else's pregnancies, babies and children.

She said that I also have to accept the timing element of this thing (and the lack of control I have over it). If we haven't come through an IVF cycle yet, then the timing wasn't right, and when it is, we will move through.

And, I need to learn to squash those dumbasses in the backseat.

Overheard...

I had the privilege of overhearing these "gemstone conversations" at work this week:

1. Girls at Work: "Yes, my sister had her baby this weekend. They're planning to have another one in 2010 because they've had one in 2008 and 2009. Isn't that funny?"

In My Head: Ummm, Ha. Ha. I can't believe people (i.e. bunny rabbits) actually plan this baby thing like planning a vacation or buying a new car and that it actually comes to fruition.

Cannot identify on any level.

2. Girl at Work (who incidentally happens to be aware of my situation): "My husband and I are going to try and start getting pregnant this year. I'm telling you, I don't dread labor and delivery - I dread that first 3 months of pregnancy. I just don't even know how I'll make it through all the morning sickness that my mother had."

In My Head: Ummm, excuse me while I throw up at the grotesque superficiality and naivity of this little gemstone of a comment. This statement is from a girl who is totally aware that I am begging my doctor to allow me to inject my belly with a hormonal cocktail. Need I say more?

Again, cannot identify on any level.

It's amazing how IF has changed my perspective. I suppose these are things I would have laughed at or commented on three years ago. Now, I just shake my head and get the hell out of the room as quickly as possible.

And, if I hear one more thing about the octuplets...

Damn good thing therapy is scheduled for Thursday.

Ready for Reality

Call me crazy, but I'm ready to return to work tomorrow. I'm really ready to focus on something other than my vacant uterus.

I knew I was ready to return to work when I felt angry, annoyed and irritated with every mommy at the grocery store today. I kept looking at these blissfully happy women and wondering to myself, "What the hell does your uterus have that mine doesn't?"

Definitely time to return to the grind. 8 a.m. can't get here quickly enough.

Coffee & Getting Lapped

I'm going to coffee (decaf of course) this evening with my friend who has been avoiding me lately.

I think that she's getting ready to break the news that we've been "lapped". She has a beautiful daughter who will be 2 in February, and I know they've been working on Number 2. Given that the first child was conceived after 3 sexual encounters in one month, I am sure that Number 2 is right around the corner.

I'm feeling sad about the friendships in my life that have been tested by infertility. I know that she's dreading telling me news that should be so joyous and wonderful for her to share, and I hate the way I feel about it.

L. & I moved here over three years ago, and I encountered several girls who I became very close to in a relatively short period of time. My struggle with IF has threatened those relationships in ways they would have never been tested if only we had conceived along with everyone else, when we first started trying.

And, now here we are over 2 years later, still trying, still struggling. Again, it feels like everyone is moving along ahead of us, and I can't help but feel angry about the fact that their relationships with each other were never tested the way mine has been with them - simply because I've been dealing with an issue that they cannot understand. And, really, they can't understand.

I suppose it is simply easier for them to be friends with someone who connects with them as "new moms".

On the other hand, and more important, I am grateful for the way IF has cemented so many other relationships in my life. I have a renewed appreciation for my mom, for my old friends and for my entire family. Struggling through this with the people who stick with you gives the relationship a whole new layer of history.

That's a better perspective, isn't it?

Seriously? Part II

In another "Seriously?" moment, today I'm wondering what kind of world are we living in when a "man" can get pregnant TWICE in less time than it takes for me to see even a faint glimmer of two pink lines?

I consider myself a pretty liberal thinker, but I can't believe I'm actually jealous of a man who is with child.

IF is making me crazy...or maybe it's all the progesterone.

Unbelievable.

Jumping Hurdles on Hormones Really Bites

Okay, so this is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.

Frankly, this IVF hurdle thing is my own little personal version of hell. Just when you think that you've accomplished something, another hurdle appears in front of the one that just zapped all your energy. And, I'm living through all of this under the influence of drugs that make me weepy about absolutely everything. (Clomid might be evil, but these hormones are enough to make me wonder how I'm going to get through my next work meeting without tears streaming down my cheeks because my pen ran out of ink.)

So, ultrasound #1 is history. Since my clinic is two hours away, my OB-GYN offered to do my monitoring. While I was grateful to not have to return to the fertility clinic here in town (a place which I detest passionately), undergoing ultrasounds amongst the pregnant may not have been the best choice while these hormones are swimming around my body. Also, it took my doctor's office way too long to send results to the Clinic we're using, which really almost pushed me over the edge today. Obviously, I'm going to have to discuss that with someone there tomorrow to keep it from being an issue on Wednesday.

Nonetheless, results from the world's most thorough ultrasound tech (I've never had a longer ultrasound):

-14 follicles total - 4 are currently measurable (10, 10, 10 1/2 and 12).

-Estradiol = 90 (A little low, according to my RN. I'm wondering if this could be attributed to my extended time on Lupron and will be consulting with Hannah the acupuncturist about this tonight.)

And, of course, I am now obsessed with estradiol and have googled it at least 10 times in the last 2 hours. And, with that, my next hurdle was born: PLEASE INCREASE!!!!

On a positive note, as I was awaiting my ultrasound this morning, a pregnant woman sat down beside me and overheard my conversation with my RN I had to call from my cell phone. When I hung up, she asked if I was doing IVF with the Clinic. I said yes, and she said that she did as well. In fact, while her first fresh cycle was not successful, both of her children were the results of Frozen Embryo Transfers from her original cycle. In a word where I literally feel surrounded by the easy-breezy pregnant, it was nice to hear that this morning.

So, that's today's story. I have a completely renewed appreciation, respect and deep admiration for all of you who have gone through this IVF thing and lived to tell the story. I thought about each of you many times as I sloshed through this day.

Acupuncture tonight, more shots tonight, and tomorrow night. Next ultrasound Wednesday.

On to the next hurdle...