Contemplations and Things

I really haven't disappeared.

Things I've Contemplated Since I Last Posted:

1. Where are we going to be with this by this time next year?

2. Why is it that I have the most beautiful, flowing cervical mucous at just the right time and still can't get pregnant? I just don't get it.

3. Why can't I get excited about the Holidays?

4. Is this seriously Cycle #26???

5. When will I start Lupron again?

6. Where are we going to be with this by this time next year?

Hoping against hope that this is the Golden-Ticket-Hail-Mary-Month.

So, how many more days until Jan. 2?


Postscript: Thanks for the tags - I just haven't had the energy to respond. I know if there's anyone in the universe who totally gets that, it's you all. Thank you for that.

Fighting Scrooge

As the Advent Calendar whizzes past, I am wrestling with Scrooge this Holiday Season, and in most instances, he's winning. I just can't quite get into the Spirit, the music, the lights, the presents and am patiently awaiting January 2.

So, in an effort to move past the Bah-Humbug, I've been pondering what my Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future would like like:

The Ghost of Christmas Past: Zuzu Bailey

As I get older, I realize just how idyllic my Christmases Past were. My whole family, snug in our home, opening Christmas cards, laughing, giving and receiving gifts. The best part was being surrounded by all of my siblings with my parents. The Christmases of my childhood were full of love, affection and an excitement I can't quite explain. These Holidays filled me with a sense of optimism about living, hope for the Season and for the upcoming year.

The Ghost of Christmas Present: Charlie Bucket

Christmas Present is a surreal experience, kind of like wandering through the Chocolate Factory for the first time. There are moments in my life right now when I really feel complete joy and happiness: watching Christmas movies with L., making Christmas plans with L. and generally knowing that I am experiencing IF with the most wonderful person on Earth. Christmas Present is also a time of unknowns, hormonal potions and moments of disbelief that we are here, wandering through IF.

Christmas Present is a time of tremendous ambiguity: feeling blessed and loved while struggling with anxiety and fear of what's ahead.

The Ghost of Christmas Future: The Man Behind the Curtain

The Ghost of Christmas Future is the Wizard, standing behind a curtain, deviously deciding what is going to happen to us next. Frankly, this is the first Holiday Season in which I'm wondering if the Wizard is ever going to decide to give us a baby. This feeling is probably where Scrooge lives - I want to feel more hopeful, and for some reason I can't.

This experience is arduous and draining, and for the first time in my life I'm starting to wonder, really wonder, if the Man Behind the Curtain is ever going to give us what we so desperately want.

***

I suppose Zuzu (and George Bailey, for that matter) would say that the Ghost of Christmas Future should look like this:

I'm working on it.

My Drug Holiday

I spoke to my nurses today, and they assured me (as have many of you) that starting your period while on progesterone (especially suppositories) is something that can happen, and is no real reason for alarm.

They offered to let me start meds in late December, and after considering the possibility of Lupron under the Christmas tree, I politely declined.

I've decided that I am in desperate need of a Drug Holiday, and I'll worry about Lupron and stims in 2009. Thus, the remainder of 2008 will be spent doing the following:

1. Taking a HOT, HOT bath every single night.

2. Drinking Pinot Grigio whenever I damn well feel like it.

3. Exercising (i.e. running) whenever I damn well feel like it.

4. Drinking loads and loads of caffeine in the form of peppermint mochas and lattes whenever I damn well feel like it.

So, the plan is that we will reinitiate our attempt at IVF #1 in January, probably between the 15th and 20th.

Nightie Night. I'm off to take a plunge in a boiling, hot bathtub.

The Vacation is Officially OVER

Well, after 8 weeks of a beach vacation, AF is mad as Hell about returning to work.

Sunday: Day 14 post ovulation = pregnancy test = NEGATIVE. After testing, I forced myself to leave the house to buy a Starbucks peppermint mocha and promptly returned to bed to drink it while watching cheesy Christmas movies.

Today: Started spotting, which amazes me given that I'm still taking progesterone as instructed (they said to keep taking it through until Day 17 - post ovulation). AF has definitely broken through - the cramps are already starting.

(Incidentally, have any of you ever heard of starting your period while ON progesterone? I'm starting to wonder if we've stumbled onto some sort of explanation...)

It's going to be a rough one.

26 cycles down.

Ugh.

Wondering if this is ever going to end.

Progesterone is a Jedi Mind Trick

The last words of Suzie Angel Nurse keep ringing in my ears throughout this blasted two week wait (By the way, I'm convinced this woman was part of a Divine Intervention the day of our IUI. She was so perfect, I'm not sure she's actually human):

"Now, don't get too excited if you start having pregnancy symptoms this month. Progesterone is what the body produces when you're pregnant, so you might start feeling some things that make you think you might be, and I don't want for you to be disappointed..."

So, while AF is on hiatus, probably laying on a beach somewhere laughing her evil laugh, relishing the thought of resurfacing in our lives in a couple of weeks, the Jedi Mind Trick is here in full force.

Now, let me reitterate, I have NO idea what it would "feel like" to be pregnant. After all, the closest I've been to being pregnant in my 34 years was when I lost my virginity and spent the next 5 weeks obsessing that my period wasn't going to start.

However, this stuff is a crazy-making drug. I can convince myself (more easily than usual) that I'm feeling things I've never felt before, and that maybe, just maybe, this is it.

But, let's get real. AF is rolling over to get some sun on her ass about now, and she'll be ready to swoop in as soon as I throw in the towel with these suppositories.

On a completely unrelated note, I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving. One of the things I am most thankful for this year is all of you who take a moment to read my rants.

I don't know how I dealt with this beast of a disease before I discovered the blog world.

You all rock.

Coffee & Getting Lapped

I'm going to coffee (decaf of course) this evening with my friend who has been avoiding me lately.

I think that she's getting ready to break the news that we've been "lapped". She has a beautiful daughter who will be 2 in February, and I know they've been working on Number 2. Given that the first child was conceived after 3 sexual encounters in one month, I am sure that Number 2 is right around the corner.

I'm feeling sad about the friendships in my life that have been tested by infertility. I know that she's dreading telling me news that should be so joyous and wonderful for her to share, and I hate the way I feel about it.

L. & I moved here over three years ago, and I encountered several girls who I became very close to in a relatively short period of time. My struggle with IF has threatened those relationships in ways they would have never been tested if only we had conceived along with everyone else, when we first started trying.

And, now here we are over 2 years later, still trying, still struggling. Again, it feels like everyone is moving along ahead of us, and I can't help but feel angry about the fact that their relationships with each other were never tested the way mine has been with them - simply because I've been dealing with an issue that they cannot understand. And, really, they can't understand.

I suppose it is simply easier for them to be friends with someone who connects with them as "new moms".

On the other hand, and more important, I am grateful for the way IF has cemented so many other relationships in my life. I have a renewed appreciation for my mom, for my old friends and for my entire family. Struggling through this with the people who stick with you gives the relationship a whole new layer of history.

That's a better perspective, isn't it?

Seriously? Part II

In another "Seriously?" moment, today I'm wondering what kind of world are we living in when a "man" can get pregnant TWICE in less time than it takes for me to see even a faint glimmer of two pink lines?

I consider myself a pretty liberal thinker, but I can't believe I'm actually jealous of a man who is with child.

IF is making me crazy...or maybe it's all the progesterone.

Unbelievable.