Back to the (in)Fertility Shrink

I made an appointment with the (in)Fertility Shrink for next Thursday. I haven't seen her in several months, but I am going to have get some perspective on all of this - I'm not doing very well with it at all.

I've been asking myself a very difficult question since yesterday, and it keeps going through my head over and over again: Why didn't I call earlier? Why did I wait until 10 days after I stopped the pill to call those nurses?

I am not blaming myself for this. I am, however, questioning the fact that I am not a lackadaisical person about these kinds of things. I am the overly worried, neurotic, anal-retentive patient who begs the ultrasound tech to tell me everything she's seeing as she sees it. I carry a green three ring binder to all my appointments. I am the patient who drives these nurses crazy with question after question.

My sister called me Monday evening and asked, "So, has it started yet?"

My response was, "No, and I'm not really worried about it. It'll start when it starts."

That's not like me because I really was feeling a sense of apathy. Obviously. I waited 10 whole days to do anything about it.

I think a part of me is so tired that I don't even want to think about it anymore. I've enjoyed my break, and I'm not overly enthused about getting back into the game.

So tell me, have you ever just felt like enough is enough, and how in the hell did you find it in yourself to keep trudging through this?

By the way, this is not a rhetorical question - I would really like your feedback. I need some momentum. Badly.

I Am So Over This Whole Thing

I've really had it.

Apparently, Nurse Nightingale forgot to explain to me that I should be looking for a little spotting and not a full blown period. So, I missed it.

Seriously?

I called the Clinic today, and they said that I have to wait for my next period (which is probably about 3 weeks away) because I somehow should have known that a little spotting was my period this cycle. I've been sitting around waiting for the real thing. Then, it's baseline all over again, and I guess stims - I'm waiting to hear back from them about that part.

I am furious with her for not explaining that for me. I am furious with myself for not being more proactive by calling sooner. And I am most furious with the fact that we even have to go through this crazy madness.

This is getting ridiculous.

I am beginning to think that we aren't supposed to do this. It's like we can't even get past the starting line, and I'm so tired of going through this again and again.

So, I'm feeling sorry for myself because I don't understand why this is happening or what I've done in my life to deserve this misery (must have been something pretty damned bad). It just keeps happening over and over again, and I'm just exhausted of dealing with all the pregnant people, the fact that my 35th birthday is about 4 months away and the fact that practically everyone I know is well into their child bearing/having experience.

So, if we go forward (and I guess we don't have a choice since the money is already out there), we're looking at yet another month away.

I'm so tired.

Aunt Flo is an Ugly Trog!

Well, Auntie (Bitchass) Flo is taking her sweet time...still sitting here waiting for something to happen.

I've been a little crampy here and there - I'm guessing it will be Monday or so before she finally decides to ride into town. Our 2K worth of meds will have to refrigerate until she gets here.

On a positive note (and I have to think of something positive these days), I will admit I have enjoyed my extra week of lattes.

It's a Go...Today, Anyway

I'm still on the bandwagon, as of today. This cycle I am just realistic - my goal is just to hold onto the wagon and remain in the process as long as I can. Vanished is my idealistic self who used to believe that a girl could give herself a few shots, go through an egg retrieval and end up with a few embryos. I get it now - it's an accomplishment just to make it from one step to the next.

Baseline ultrasound and E2 levels indicate that we can move ahead, per Nurse Nightingale. The cyst is still present on my left ovary, but is the same size. No worries about it presently.

Now, I'm just waiting for Aunt Flo to appear. Meds will start on Day #3.

As is typical in IF Land, I am now waiting again and mentally preparing for the numerous (additional) questions that will no doubt arise in the next few days.

Ugh.

Facebook Finer Points and The Plan

When my friend A. talked me into this Facebook thing, I joined with some hesitation. I was expecting lots of questions from the people of my past about how many kids we have and/or why the hell we haven't popped one out.

That's hasn't exactly been the case.

While most of the time I find Facebook rather amusing, I am astounded when I see someone much, much younger than me with kids who look like they're about to enter high school. At those moments, I force myself to push forward (without torturing myself with their photos), reminding myself that I thank God every day I did not procreate with the "Men of My 20s".

Moving onward with The Plan -

We have our baseline ultrasound scheduled for Monday at 11 a.m. L. has been educated in the finer points of mixing Menopur via phone. Nurse Nightingale was a little hesitant about this initially, insinuating that we may have to drive the 2 hours to the clinic to learn this "IVF skill". However, L. talked her into a phone course, and she ultimately said he did a "great job".

It's moments like these when I realize how far I have come - I would have been PETRIFIED about this kind of thing a few months ago, and my confidence has now grown to the point that surely if I can give myself injections, surely I can mix up some powder and saline with L's tutelage.

If all goes well with the ultrasound, we'll start stimming on Day 3 of my upcoming cycle.

Trying to stay hopeful...by the way, today's image is my attempt at positive visualization. This is our beautiful goal ahead!!!

Silver Linings and Ship Jumpers

This weekend, my sisters, mom, aunt and cousin came to help me paint a wall in my home as we are getting ready to put our house on the market. They all know what a stressor this house-selling thing is for me, and they wanted to alleviate as much of my anxiety as possible in hopes of helping with our upcoming IVF cycle.

I marveled at the love I felt at being so "taken care of" by these phenomenal women who support me implicitly.

Over my 34 years (10 of which have been spent in the counseling profession), I've been exposed to many stories of human adversity and the way it often leads to the scattering of so-called friends.

I never believed it, really. The truth is, I never believed it would happen to me, that is.

Until now, I didn't realize that life's storms are often more than some people can handle. I could have never predicted who would earnestly hang with me and who would run for cover (or jump off the Titanic, as my sister puts it so eloquently).

Perhaps the silver lining of these ship-jumpers is the renewed appreciation in those people in your life who continually cheer you on, who listen and who even let you get by with a bad attitude here and there because of the adversity.

So, if you're reading this, thank you. It undoubtedly means that you are part of the silver lining of another otherwise perilous journey.

Protocol Is In...

Nurse Nightingale called this afternoon with my brand new protocol.

Here's the plan:

1. Birth control pills until 1/18/09


2. Call Nurse Nightingale THE MINUTE Aunt Flo swooshes in


3. Baseline on cycle day 2 or 3


4. Begin 150 mg. Gonal F in the morning


5. Begin 150 mg. of Menopur at night


6. When follicles reach 13 mm, begin using Cetrocide

If everything goes according to plan (and I am based in reality this cycle, so that's a big IF), egg retrieval and transfer should be sometime early February.

I know very little about Menopur and Cetrocide other than that I am being fed no drugs which directly suppress ovarian function. Per Nightingale, my brain will be doing the work.

Hmmm..that sounds eerily reminiscent of Clomid, my scary drug.

I'm actually feeling fortunate that Dr. A. doesn't want to do "more of the same". When you're playing around with this kind of money, it's nice to know there's a little variety in the gamble, particularly when last time was such a flop.

Here's to a very expensive rendezvous with the pharmacy....