She's Almost Here!

Yesterday we went in for an ultrasound as our little girl seems snug in her cocoon and is showing no definitive signs of arrival at almost 40 weeks.

According to the ultrasound, she is a very big girl, weighing in at almost 10 pounds. After consulting with our doctor, we've opted for a C-section, scheduled for Friday at 2:30. Of course, ultrasound weights tend to be a little off at this point in pregnancy, so she probably doesn't weigh that much in actuality. However, I'm not arguing the benefits of a C-section, and I just want her to enter the world as safely as possible.

I am so excited about seeing her that yesterday flew by in a blur, but as we get closer, I find that I am nervous and wrestling with the feelings I suppose any new parent grapples with: I can't believe we're going to have a newborn baby in our home in less than 48 hours.

Happy Thanksgiving.

11 Wk 3 Day Ultrasound

Today my pregnancy felt real for the very first time. Laying there and looking at an ultrasound screen of MY UTERUS and seeing a little baby move around was nothing short of miraculous.

I can't stop looking at the pictures and marveling at the fact that I met this little baby at just 8 tiny cells, and he has now morphed into an actual being with arms and legs that move. (By the way, I'm using "he" here generally.)

Our baby has a little chin, a tiny nose and ears that are moving into place. His arms and legs are moving, and at one point in the ultrasound he arched his back. Our baby is measuring at 12 weeks, so he's growing well - approximately the size of a beautiful lime! Heartbeat increased to 162 beautiful beats per minute. My OB says our baby "looks great".

There is still a part of me that has to convince myself that the monitor was actually connected to my uterus and was not a television appearance of someone else's baby. It's all so surreal, still.

Things are going well - still intermittent nausea that feels exactly like bad car sickness, insomnia (I finally fall asleep to the Golden Girls nearly every night, starting at about 1:30 a.m.) and fatigue when I get home from work. I'm hungry all the time and very emotional.

It was great seeing my OB today because she was so thrilled for us. As we were leaving, she said, "This baby is so lucky to have you two as parents."

We feel so blessed to have this baby. God is good.

Upcoming Ultrasound and Stuff

I haven't been doing too much blogging lately, and I don't really know why. Perhaps it's because the evenings are particularly rough for me - it's usually when nausea kicks in full force. I'm very fortunate that it rarely plagues me at work.

We are 11 weeks today, next ultrasound is Monday, and I have mixed feelings about it. I'm very excited about seeing how much our baby has grown, and I have no reason to believe that the news will be anything but positive. However, the infertility journey changes you...and there's still that nagging feeling that the other shoe is getting ready to drop...

Things have been going well overall. I vascillate between extreme excitement and fear all the time, which is interesting with the hormones running through my body.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how the infertility experience alters the pregnancy experience, like it or not. Every aspect, every successful day seems so much more precious. I literally thank God at the end of every day for getting us through another one.

I went to a party last weekend and was surprised that I felt the familiar lump in my throat when I saw a couple of women there with their infants. Those feelings don't just go away...there's still that odd, sickening mixture of jealousy accompanied by guilt for feeling anything negative at all.

I'm hoping that those feelings will start to dissolve at some point. It's ironic because after one of those moms left the party, I learned from a friend of mine that she and her husband went through 3 rounds of IVF to get their little girl. Amazing how I never even considered that when I first saw them there.

Also of note, my 40 year old boss is pregnant. It was a complete accident, and I think she's becoming more and more excited about it. It's been interesting working with someone whose experience is so opposite of my own in so many ways.

I'll post after Monday's ultrasound. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. I think I'm in the mood for some chocolate tonight (and I think I'm actually going to let myself have it - I've been religiously avoiding caffeine in any form - ugh).

5 Weeks, 5 Days

I am still waiting for a bunch of fabulous, definitive pregnancy symptoms to pop up, and for the most part, I feel the same physically as I did this time last month (with the exception of the bulging ovaries I had during stims). This is all so surreal: my husband tells me I'm pregnant, I have a good HCG level and then...nothing, or nothing I expected.

After 2 1/2 years of negative tests, I expected this change of mass proportion to take over my body when I was finally pregnant. Pregnancy seemed like a mystical state of being, and I never imagined it being so 'normal'. Frankly, I'm a little nervous about that and would almost prefer the "solace" of raging vomiting episodes.

I have wrestled all week with (my lack of) symptoms. I keep waiting for something magnificent to arise, and to date, it hasn't happened yet. Thusfar, I've experienced:

-Slight fatigue, but nothing overwhelming

-A couple of instances of low grade nausea, but nothing debilitating

-I'm really thirsty all the time, which leads to numerous trips to the bathroom

-Mild cramping (which is more and more intermittent)

-Insomnia - I go to sleep very easily and invariably wake up at about 2 or 3 and can't go back to sleep, and yes, this is a symptom of early pregnancy per Dr. Google.

-Sore breasts

-Vivid dreams (when I finally do sleep)

I am trying to refrain from believing the old wive's tale that a healthy pregnancy is a vomiting pregnancy. Hopefully, I'm just blessed with very few horrible symptoms or maybe it's just too early. After all the stims, hormonal injections and terrifying calls from the IVF nurses (whom I really miss these days, believe it or not!), things are pretty quiet on the pregnancy front.

On another note, I got to tell my dentist I'm pregnant on Monday. For 2 1/2 years, I've been awaiting the moment I could finally announce my pregnancy in response to the obligatory: "So...are there any changes to your health status?"

It's amazing sharing the news in the World of the Fertiles because no one questions anything at all - they seem to cherish a sweet, naive peace of mind that a beautiful baby will magically pop out in 9 months. I was met with high pitched congratulations followed by advice about baby shower gifts.

Ignorance really must be bliss.

One day closer to April 10: Ultrasound Day.

Ovarian Update

We're headed to retrieval.

The Nurse said that things have developed really well over the last 2 days, and that my ovaries seem to be "getting the message".

Final Count: 4 maturing follicles, 2 hopefuls

E2=2125 (promising!)

Trigger: Wednesday night

Appointment with shrink: Thursday

Retrieval: Friday

I am so relieved that we're finally going through with this.

Thank you to everyone who has encouraged me through phone calls, texts, comments, and e-mails these last few days. Your support has been uplifting and much appreciated. I sincerely believe your prayers made all the difference.

I'll keep you posted.

Torn

If I had one wish today (aside from the obvious cuddly, beautiful infant), it would be that, just once, infertility could be a tiny bit clearer, less murky and generally more cut and dry.

Basically, I'm clamoring to get the hell out of this Funhouse.

Ultrasound results: 6 follicles - 16.5, 13, 12, 11.5, 9.5 and 9.5.

E2=1101

My favorite nurse actually came in on a Sunday just to talk things over with us, which brought tears to my eyes (and, no, it's not just the massive amounts of estrogen flowing through my body).

She said that in no way do any of my test results indicate perimenopause. However, this low follicle count likely means that we are always going to have less to work with in an IVF cycle as it is similar to what we had last cycle on the Lupron (long) protocol. Gulp.

In other words, we're probably never going to skip down the hall after an ultrasound basking in the glow of multitudes of follies. Not going to happen. These are the ovaries I have, and like it or not, this is what they're putting out.

So, it's a matter of rolling the dice - do we want to take the leap of faith with 4 follicles (which might be the best case scenario, given that the 9.5ers probably will not catch up in time)?

We are torn.

On one hand, we know that it takes one egg, one sperm to make an embryo. And, one embryo is all we need.

On the other hand, L. is a medical professional, and we realize that the statitstics aren't good here.

But, let's face it, things probably aren't going to get better in subsequent cycles.

The Plan: In a classic sequence of events I will have to recount later, we began Cetrotide today in an attempt to save the Big Girl (the 16.5er). Continue Menopur and Gonal-F.

Sunday night: Pray.

Monday - Pray. Pray. Pray.

Next ultrasound: Tuesday morning and Pray.

Tuesday afternoon: Deliberation/Decision Time.

Damn, IF really sucks.

Entering the IVF Funhouse

The IVF Funhouse is a place where there are no answers - not until you finally get out, anyway. One stumbles in, wanders from one room to the next hoping for some direction, some "straightening out", only to be pushed to the next room where things are just as warped as they were in the room before.

It never fails, every time I go into these ultrasounds, I still believe somewhere deep down that I'm going to walk out with something definitive...which never happens in the Funhouse. You're perpetually told by Nurse Nightingales and Ultrasound Techs that you'll need to wait for the next phone call, the next bloodwork, the next ultrasound, etc., etc.

Our ultrasound today wasn't as bad as I thought. L., who has read an ultrasound or two in his time, said that my ovaries looked good - there were numerous follicles, just not big enough to measure yet. I feel a little better because per his medical opinion, my ovaries are nowhere near prunes yet (admittedly, I wonder if he would tell me if they were....).

In fact, I have two measurable follicles - both around 10.5 mm, with about 6-8 close in size, right behind them. E2=381. Not a huge number of follicles, but promising nonetheless. And, certainly more promising than the dark room I wandered out of on Monday.

So, the plan: another ultrasound on Sunday because Dr. A. is concerned about those 10.5'ers growing into the magic 13, which is when Cetrotide becomes a part of the med regimine. She doesn't want for me to ovulate early and wants to catch the magic window as soon as it gets here. Gee, I appreciate her attention to detail here.

Of course, in typical Funhouse Fashion, I am a little confused about whether this is good or bad - I mean at least we have two follicles who look like they're taking off, but I'm worried about them taking over and keeping the others from growing - which seems to be my pattern.

Who can tell?

No choice but to sit back and see what Funhouse Fun awaits us in the next room. Stay tuned.

Close Encounters of the Jackass Kind

On Friday I started spotting and called the Clinic, fearing that we might miss our window if I actually waited for red blood flow like a normal person. Thus, Dr. A. wanted me to drive up for an ultrasound on Saturday.

Fortunately, my sister came into town on Friday afternoon and since L. was working, we made the drive together on Saturday morning.

I lost track of the speed limit somewhere between discussing her latest male conquest and the injustice of her friend who got a girl pregnant during their 2 month relationship which has subsequently ended in paternity testing and attorneys (EERRGGHH!! Stories like that drive me mad!!!).

When (20-something) Mr. Cop Jackass pulled us over, I began inwardly perseverating over how long he was going to detain us and whether or not I would make the appointment on time.

Mr. Cop Jackass: "Good Morning. Where are you ladies headed this morning?"

Me: "We're going to the Clinic."

Mr. Cop Jackass: "Oh, well, what takes you to the Clinic?"

Me (Seriously consider telling him it was none of his damn business, before my fear of a $200 ticket in addition to the $300+ for today's ultrasound overtook me, making me a bit of a pansy ass.): "Ummmm, infertility treatment."

Mr. Cop Jackass: "Oh, so nothing emergent."

Me (Uhhh, dude, I turn 35 less than 3 months, so it sure feels emergent to me): "Well...actually, it is pretty emergent."

Mr. Cop Jackass (with only the faintest flash of embarrassment): "Well, I'm going to let you off with a warning this time, but you need to slow it down."

YES!!!!

I'm sure Mr. Cop Jackass was inwardly applauding his own virility, thinking IF would never happen to him and his super masculine sperm, but at least he found it in his heart to let me get to my appointment, without adding another $200 to the debt pile.

The ultrasound showed that my lining (12) is too thick for meds, and it needs to shed.

A.F. swooshed in around 11 p.m. last night.

I'll call for next steps today, but I'm sensing re-entry into the IVF Funhouse.

Facebook Finer Points and The Plan

When my friend A. talked me into this Facebook thing, I joined with some hesitation. I was expecting lots of questions from the people of my past about how many kids we have and/or why the hell we haven't popped one out.

That's hasn't exactly been the case.

While most of the time I find Facebook rather amusing, I am astounded when I see someone much, much younger than me with kids who look like they're about to enter high school. At those moments, I force myself to push forward (without torturing myself with their photos), reminding myself that I thank God every day I did not procreate with the "Men of My 20s".

Moving onward with The Plan -

We have our baseline ultrasound scheduled for Monday at 11 a.m. L. has been educated in the finer points of mixing Menopur via phone. Nurse Nightingale was a little hesitant about this initially, insinuating that we may have to drive the 2 hours to the clinic to learn this "IVF skill". However, L. talked her into a phone course, and she ultimately said he did a "great job".

It's moments like these when I realize how far I have come - I would have been PETRIFIED about this kind of thing a few months ago, and my confidence has now grown to the point that surely if I can give myself injections, surely I can mix up some powder and saline with L's tutelage.

If all goes well with the ultrasound, we'll start stimming on Day 3 of my upcoming cycle.

Trying to stay hopeful...by the way, today's image is my attempt at positive visualization. This is our beautiful goal ahead!!!

Jumping Hurdles on Hormones Really Bites

Okay, so this is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.

Frankly, this IVF hurdle thing is my own little personal version of hell. Just when you think that you've accomplished something, another hurdle appears in front of the one that just zapped all your energy. And, I'm living through all of this under the influence of drugs that make me weepy about absolutely everything. (Clomid might be evil, but these hormones are enough to make me wonder how I'm going to get through my next work meeting without tears streaming down my cheeks because my pen ran out of ink.)

So, ultrasound #1 is history. Since my clinic is two hours away, my OB-GYN offered to do my monitoring. While I was grateful to not have to return to the fertility clinic here in town (a place which I detest passionately), undergoing ultrasounds amongst the pregnant may not have been the best choice while these hormones are swimming around my body. Also, it took my doctor's office way too long to send results to the Clinic we're using, which really almost pushed me over the edge today. Obviously, I'm going to have to discuss that with someone there tomorrow to keep it from being an issue on Wednesday.

Nonetheless, results from the world's most thorough ultrasound tech (I've never had a longer ultrasound):

-14 follicles total - 4 are currently measurable (10, 10, 10 1/2 and 12).

-Estradiol = 90 (A little low, according to my RN. I'm wondering if this could be attributed to my extended time on Lupron and will be consulting with Hannah the acupuncturist about this tonight.)

And, of course, I am now obsessed with estradiol and have googled it at least 10 times in the last 2 hours. And, with that, my next hurdle was born: PLEASE INCREASE!!!!

On a positive note, as I was awaiting my ultrasound this morning, a pregnant woman sat down beside me and overheard my conversation with my RN I had to call from my cell phone. When I hung up, she asked if I was doing IVF with the Clinic. I said yes, and she said that she did as well. In fact, while her first fresh cycle was not successful, both of her children were the results of Frozen Embryo Transfers from her original cycle. In a word where I literally feel surrounded by the easy-breezy pregnant, it was nice to hear that this morning.

So, that's today's story. I have a completely renewed appreciation, respect and deep admiration for all of you who have gone through this IVF thing and lived to tell the story. I thought about each of you many times as I sloshed through this day.

Acupuncture tonight, more shots tonight, and tomorrow night. Next ultrasound Wednesday.

On to the next hurdle...

Halloween 2008: Trick or Treat?

Halloween 2007 Flashback: L. & I passed out sweets to 50-75 Batmans, Princesses and Witches in our neighborhood. And, each and every time we threw a piece of chocolate into a child's orange, plastic jack-o-lantern, we happily thought that next year we would be pregnant or that we might have a little tiny baby of our own.

Flashforward to Halloween 2008: We will be traveling to the Clinic for yet another ultrasound in hopes that "the cyst" has disappeared into infinity. I can't believe I'm saying this, but the ultimate Halloween "Treat" would be permission from Dr. A. to start shooting up with the hundreds-of-dollars-worth-of hormones sitting in our fridge instead of just looking at them every time I pull out the purified water.

Amazing where a year can take you. I would have never in a million years thought that 2008 would bring us a real, live, fresh IVF cycle. Hell, I'm still not convinced it's going to bring us a real, live, fresh IVF cycle.

But, here's to hoping and praying.....please send us your positive vibes and prayers.

An Update

Newsflash: A.F. swooshed in on her broomstick! (And let me tell you, she barrelled in this time. A.F. on hormones is not a pleasant experience.)

Spoke to the Clinic and my OB-GYN who will be doing my monitoring. First ultrasound scheduled for Thursday a.m.

The Plan: Hoping the ultrasound will reveal plenty of antral follicles (For those of you who live outside I.F.-ville, these are the small beginnings of eggs) and quiet ovaries ("Quiet" is not the word I would use to describe the side effects of this Lupron, but hopefully that means it's doing its job).

Next step: With approval from Dr. A., let the "Egg Growing Drugs" begin!!!

Bring on the hormones!

Your thoughts and prayers are much appreciated (for me and L. - ha ha).