Sunday, June 22, 2008

I Sure as Hell Didn't Expect All This When I Decided to Have a Kid

You know, when you start thinking about having a baby when you're like 5 years old, you certainly don't envision countless acronyms (IUI; IVF; TTC; BFP; BFN, etc.), catheters, semen analysis, progesterone levels and two week waits. So, when I recently found an intriguing blog during one of my millions of google searches about TTC (that's "Trying To Conceive"), I was captivated by a woman's (sometimes humorous) journey through the world of infertility. Today, it occurred to me that this might just be a therapeutic way for me to work through the highs and lows of this experience.

So, here goes: Tomorrow, at 8 a.m., I'm due at my RE's office for an ultrasound following four days of gonal-f injections. We're hoping for more than two follicles, as this is our second round of IUI, and according to my RE, we want more this time for success. Not sure I understand this logic as I'm a little frightened of ending up with more than we bargained for (i.e. triplets), but that's the nature of this crazy beast called infertility.

I have come to realize that infertility domineers when it strikes, and that it pretty much rules everything I do anymore (this I'm sure my husband, sisters and mother would agree with!). Today, I spent the afternoon with a good friend of mine deliberating whether or not I would be "up to" helping to plan and attend a baby shower of a friend of ours who isn't due for several months. I wanted to scream that of course I will not be up to attending a baby shower full of pink/blue, kids and a bunch of other pregnant women, but I didn't think that would be appropriate in the middle of a crowded coffee shop.

It's pretty ridiculous that I'm already worrying about this, but that's what you do when you're trying to get pregnant. After 20 months of disappointment, you pretty much learn to plan for the worst...no matter how far ahead it may be. I no longer think..."well, I might be pregnant by then..." Instead, I think..."well, by then I'll be in the middle of my first IVF cycle - I don't know if me and my hormones will be able to tolerate the pregnant bellies and onesies."

1 comment:

Carrie said...

Yes - it controls your life and you can't plan anything and your fertile friends just don't get it. Heck, even my husband doesn't even get it sometimes. 26 months later, four failed IUIs and who knows how many BFNs, we're moving to IVF and he's just now starting to get how I've felt for the past 2 1/2 years.

Here's hoping your TWW goes quickly and you have no more BFNs. I'll be reading :)