Sunday, December 7, 2008

Fighting Scrooge

As the Advent Calendar whizzes past, I am wrestling with Scrooge this Holiday Season, and in most instances, he's winning. I just can't quite get into the Spirit, the music, the lights, the presents and am patiently awaiting January 2.

So, in an effort to move past the Bah-Humbug, I've been pondering what my Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future would like like:

The Ghost of Christmas Past: Zuzu Bailey

As I get older, I realize just how idyllic my Christmases Past were. My whole family, snug in our home, opening Christmas cards, laughing, giving and receiving gifts. The best part was being surrounded by all of my siblings with my parents. The Christmases of my childhood were full of love, affection and an excitement I can't quite explain. These Holidays filled me with a sense of optimism about living, hope for the Season and for the upcoming year.

The Ghost of Christmas Present: Charlie Bucket

Christmas Present is a surreal experience, kind of like wandering through the Chocolate Factory for the first time. There are moments in my life right now when I really feel complete joy and happiness: watching Christmas movies with L., making Christmas plans with L. and generally knowing that I am experiencing IF with the most wonderful person on Earth. Christmas Present is also a time of unknowns, hormonal potions and moments of disbelief that we are here, wandering through IF.

Christmas Present is a time of tremendous ambiguity: feeling blessed and loved while struggling with anxiety and fear of what's ahead.

The Ghost of Christmas Future: The Man Behind the Curtain

The Ghost of Christmas Future is the Wizard, standing behind a curtain, deviously deciding what is going to happen to us next. Frankly, this is the first Holiday Season in which I'm wondering if the Wizard is ever going to decide to give us a baby. This feeling is probably where Scrooge lives - I want to feel more hopeful, and for some reason I can't.

This experience is arduous and draining, and for the first time in my life I'm starting to wonder, really wonder, if the Man Behind the Curtain is ever going to give us what we so desperately want.


I suppose Zuzu (and George Bailey, for that matter) would say that the Ghost of Christmas Future should look like this:

I'm working on it.


Xbox4NappyRash said...

I hear you.

My IF gripe of the day is that I think it's robbing us of our Christmas.

This would be our first, after 11 years together, that we get to spend Christmas alone together, and this crap is spoiling it.

A little mini rant for you there!

womb for improvement said...

It is a tough time of year. Cheers to Christmas future - don't give up hope.

wannabmomma said...

Great post! I'm right there with ya sista!

Emily said...

Good post. I am right there with you. I am in total denial that it is even happening...

C'mon Jan 2nd!

Let's hope Xmas present is right around the corner and full of dreams of come true..

Penny said...

It seems particularly hard to experience IF through the holidays.

Here's hoping Jan 2 comes fast for you.

nancy said...

I know our reasons aren't the same, but I feel it too. Bah-humbug to you.

rgram962 said...

I'm having a rough one as well. I love you and hope that you can have peace and enjoyment this season! The unknown is so difficult. I know how you are and there is no sense in me telling you not to dwell and relax. Know that I am thinking of you and sending positive vibes your way.
Love You,

Emily said...

You've been tagged!! Visit my blog for details...

Alex and Jill said...

I'm sorry this Christmas season has been so hard for you. It's hard to want to celebrate anything when your heart aches.

Don't lose hope...our day will come. I really believe that.


Penny said...

Tag! You're it. See my blog for details. :)

Jill said...

I'm in Christmas denial as well. Haven't bought many gifts AT ALL. Can't wait for Jan. 2nd to get here!