Saturday, April 11, 2009

We Have a Flicker!


Driving to the clinic yesterday was difficult. I cried as we got closer because I was so scared and excited, all at the same time (the hormones are also helping with this). When I saw my shrink last week, she told me that I really needed to work on letting myself feel some excitement about the first ultrasound of my life that didn't involve cysts, follicles and endometriomas. She was right, it was a brilliant moment.

L. (who can read ultrasounds) saw the baby before I did and smiled at me with a thumbs up. We've developed our own nonverbals for the ultrasound room because his expression always gives me the lowdown before the tech does. It was a relief to see how happy he was, and when the ultrasound tech moved the monitor toward us and showed us the flicker, I caught my breath. 140 beautiful beats per minute. Perfect. Priceless.

Our baby's heart is beating! It is a Divine Miracle.

The icing on the cake: Debbie, my favorite IVF RN came in to share the moment with us. I love that she was there after everything else she's been through with us.

Today I am excited and working on shedding a little of my past failures a little at a time. My shrink says that I have to start thinking about the success of this pregnancy rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's so hard after 2 1/2 years of disappointment, but I'm trying. I want to feel hopeful and excited, and really, I do. It's just so hard to believe this is all actually happening, and I have to look at the ultrasound images on a regular basis to convince myself.

And, the lowgrade nausea I've developed is also helping with the reality check.

25 comments:

Carrie said...

I have to start thinking about the success of this pregnancy rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop.
That is so hard. I'm now 8 months pregnant and STILL don't truly believe this is happening. I still check the toilet paper each time I go to the bathroom - well, maybe not everytime now as I'm in there half the day; I still sometimes wake up in the morning convinced I've lost the baby over night. He doesn't appreciate the morning pokes he gets, but as soon as I feel him move, I can get on with my day.

It's hard. The positive pregnancy test, good betas and the heartbeat don't stop the pain of infertility. We are definitey more aware of how precious the pregnancy is and how lucky we are, but at the same time we are a thousand times more aware of what can go wrong... and for anyone who has been on this path, waiting for the other shoe to drop becomes second nature.

Your shrink is right though. You have to try to enjoy it... because how sad would it be to get to the birth of your child only to realize that the previous nine months were filled with nothing but heartache and worry.

Anyway! Sorry for the book! Congrats on the heartbeat! You didn't mention so I'm assuming you didn't get to hear it? I highly suggest looking around on Craig's List for a used fetal doppler. We got one for $65 and it has been a Godsend for my sanity... especially during the first trimester.

Emily said...

Wonderful! Congrats! Sounds like your Doc is one smart lady! Easier said than done though - one day at a time :)

Mick said...

That's utterly fantastic! Congratulations on the healthy heartbeat!

Lea said...

That is so wonderful!!! Congratulations! :)

I know it's hard to believe it, and even harder to move past all the failure. You've been through alot. It sounds like you are in good hands though.

Alex and Jill said...

Hearing the heartbeat was AMAZING for us, as well. I can't wait to hear it again next week! I'm so happy for you guys. Praying that you have a happy, healthy pregnancy.

Happy Easter!

((HUGS))

meinsideout said...

That is awesome - congrats!

Lauren said...

Thanks for you comment, and I'm so excited you have a heartbeat! I could have written part of you post myself...about wanting to enjoy the pregnancy rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop. You're right, the difficulty of infertility doesn't go away with the positive pregnancy test. But I'm working on enjoying where we are right now and not wasting this time worrying. COngrats to you!

Penny said...

Yay, congratulations!

Tucking the fears away seemed to get better for me after that ultrasound. In the second trimester, I was able to actually embrace the pregnancy better. So, I think it takes time. It's good to keep wanting to get to a better place, but I think it's a long process.

womb for improvement said...

That is fantastic. I hope you manage to start enjoying it soon.

Mrs. Barrenness said...

Congratulations! I've enjoyed following your journey and look forward to reading more as you learn to embrace your pregnancy with excitement. Hoping for many more healthy ultrasounds in the coming months!

nishkanu said...

We look towards our approaching 1st ultrasound with the same trepidation. So, so happy for you that it went so well!! Hope to be standing on the "other side" with you soon. Embracing a pregnancy is hard when you've dealt with loss and failure, your emotions sound very familiar to me. Hope you find some ways to hope and believe soon.

Bottoms Off said...

Awesome! Congratulations!

courtney said...

Oh how wonderful! Love each one of those 140 beats per minute!

Cassandra said...

Congratulations!!! So exciting!

I hope you're able to enjoy every day as much as a (recovering) infertile can. :)

Barefoot said...

Congratulations! What wonderful news. :)

I Believe in Miracles said...

YEAH!! this is so exciting.

Meant to be a mom said...

I found your blog through another girl and wanted to tell you CONGRATULATIONS on the heartbeat. Thats such an amazing thing to hear. My prayers are with you and your baby. How exciting.

just me said...

I am so incredibly happy for you!!! I hadn't been on here in a couple of days, but I have thought about you often and wondered if you were beginning to see your dream turn into reality. Yeah!!! It doesn't get more real than a tiny heart beating. Isn't that one of the most amazing things EVER!!! I hope you have been able to let some of the joy sink in and are starting to realize that you are actually PREGNANT!!! You ARE a mommy! WOW!!!!

Rose's Daughter said...

Hey, I decided to delurk to comment. Congrats on seeing the Heartbeat! I am so happy for you. But I understand completely when you say "I have to start thinking about the success of this pregnancy rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop." I've been doing that for 3 weeks now. I have my first ultrasound tommorrow. I hope I will be able to say the same thing.

B MoM said...

Hi, swinging on by from LFCA. I have my very first U/S tomorrow for this pregnancy. I've never seen a live baby or heartbeat on U/S before, so this is HUGE! I pray that I get the same perfect results you did. Congratulations!!!

LANIE said...

That is wonderful!!!I am so happy for you!!

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