Thursday, April 2, 2009

To Tell or Not To Tell...


For those of you who haven't had the opportunity to stop by Baby Smiling in Back Seat's Thoughtful Thursdays, you really should. Cassandra has become one of my favorite fellow bloggers, and I make it a point to stop by every Thursday to read some of the most thought-provoking posts in the blogosphere. Today's Thoughtful Thursday was so relevant, in fact, that my comment is going to be in the form of my own post:

Today's Thoughtful Thursday question is about telling:

"When is it okay to make the pregnancy announcement?"

When L & I naively started trying to make a baby, we were resolute about the 12 week wait. We shook our heads at people who pompously announced their two pink lines before the pee stick even dried: How could they be so stupid??!!

Enter Clomid after a year shrouded in secrecy: This was the point I called my mom, crying, scared that we would end up with 4 or 5 kids in the womb at once. In retrospect, what a joke.

As time wore on, we wrestled with a secret that became harder and harder to keep. Our closest friends had no idea what was going on, and our only support came from each other. While I believe that IF has intensified our relationship in ways I never dreamed possible, having such little outside support was becoming more and more difficult for us both. We began to think that letting a few people in on the situation might actually relieve some of the stress we were feeling so burdened with.

So, we decided to put it out there and we let our closest friends and family in on the most difficult journey of our lives. While it was a difficult decision to make, it was the right one because we could never have made it through IVF without the prayers and support of the people we decided to tell.

Now that we are pregnant, we have shared this joyous news with the same people who so graciously walked with us this far. I believe that if this ends in some unthinkable situation, these are the same people who would support us through the devastation. I can't imagine something like that being a part of my life story without these very same people knowing.

Truthfully, "coming out" to a few select people has been one of the biggest blessings in our lives, without a doubt. It was a risk, but it was worth taking.

As for the "outer circle" (i.e. people at work, more distant friends we don't talk to that often, etc), I won't feel okay telling them until the end of the first trimester - at least. While we are thrilled that we are pregnant, I don't exactly feel compelled to go out and shout it from the rooftop.

So, those of you who are my real life compadres, know that we love you and generally think that you all rock. We are so glad you're on this journey with us.

By the way, have I mentioned that I've eaten almost a whole jar of pickles in less than 24 hours?

14 comments:

meinsideout said...

Good stuff - you have worked long and hard and should be able to have joy surrounding this - congrats again.

Penny said...

Mmmm, pickles.

We decided to share the tale end of our IVF journey with some friends. Some very unsympathetic friends, as it turns out, but it still felt good to get it out there.

A Word about telling work (dude, I'm like your assvice troll, I'm sorry). I have very strong feelings about coming out at work. Some people might have the most tight-knit, supportive work environment for whom telling them about significant life events is a joyous, supportive and and caring time.

Most of us have the "other" kind of office.

Just know that after you come out, for 8 hrs/day, 5 days/week, you may be subjected to random inappropriate questions, thoughts, stories, and advice, none of which you are allowed to respond to with the phrase "shut the hell up," for political reasons.

I'm just sayin'. I think curbing your enthusiasm at work as long as you can contain it - physically AND mentally - is never a bad thing.

I Believe in Miracles said...

We told people who knew about our cycle but the rest waiting until 12/13 weeks. Except family. We told them at 6 and 8 (mostly because my mom was leaving the country for work and so she had to be told at 6 and then we felt bad telling one set and not the other). BUT -- I wouldn't recommend telling family if they can't keep a secret. They kept asking us to tell for another 6-4 weeks.

I'm glad you've got some symptoms. The only thing I noticed at first was I was going to the bathroom - A LOT.

~~HUGS~~

just me said...

I don't blame you not wanting to tell. I certainly wish we had waited longer.

Still thinking of you and hope you enjoyed your pickles!

Cassandra said...

Thanks so much for your kind words. Pregnancy is on my mind more than usual lately, for obvious reasons, so you can look forward to some more pregnancy-oriented Thoughtful Thursdays in the near future though I'll also have some non-pregnancy infertility topics as always.

I usually am not that interested in pickles, but the other day a pickle was supposed to come with a sandwich I bought and I got all mad when it wasn't there! No pickles with ice cream, though (at least not yet).

Faith said...

What a great question! I like the way you've handled it. Like you, I don't know how we could have managed this journey, to date, without the small group of friends who know what's going on. It's only fair to share the happy news with them, right?!

LANIE said...

Your mom said you thought they were the best pickles ever...lol. Enjoy these moments, treasure them, and don't ever feel guilty for being happy. You have paid your dues. love ya, Lanie

Stuart and Sarah Creamer said...

I'm just waiting to be able to tell everyone that we are. We did our frozen embryo transfer April 1st and we go back April 13th for our beta. This is our 3rd IVF cycle. Well our 2nd and both were negatives and now we are using the 3 frozen embies for this time. Praying for God's Precious Miracle! I want to tell everyone so badly that I am someday very soon. Hoping and praying I can!

MissMVK said...

What a great post. The topic is great as well. It's such a personal thing, but I found that I am willing to be pretty open about our IF journey. I won't tell "just anyone" the whole shebang, but I might say something like "it took us awhile to have him." I think I don't mind because usually I'm not alone in having had to take drastic measures! At our playgroup FIVE out of SIX women there had done IVF. Hard to believe!

Anyway, congratulations! Looking forward to your U/S next week!

Lauren said...

I'm 100% with you. We told our "inner circle" fairly soon after we found out it was positive. We wanted to tell those who walked through the IF/IVF process with us. THey're the same people we'd tell if something bad happened. But we're not telling the "general public" until at least 10 weeks. I'll feel like I can breathe a little better then (not be quite as nervous that something bad will happen.)

womb for improvement said...

Dunno, never having been in the same situation. My closest friends read my blog so I guess they would know pretty early - but I would also need them to know if I miscarried so I don't see the point in not letting them in on the secret. But work colleagues etc definitely not until after 12 weeks.

Sarah Francis said...

My husband and I have struggled with this...I'm okay to tell our inner circle, but he feels that it's too personal and sort of an envasion of privacy. To put it in context we just did the transfer of embroys last week, so are waiting...and he feels that everyone knows 'the date' that we'll find out and will be calling asking on that date. I think he also doesn't want people "feeling sorry for us" because we are going through IVF. I can understand his point of view, but also really would like the support of close friends and family. I guess we have to find a happy medium and also let people know that sometimes the answer to their question will simply be a vague
"its a long process".

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