Why?

Why this is all happening is a question I ask myself countless times a day. I know there are many people in my life who believe L. and I are "too preoccupied" with having a baby and that if only we would destress, slow down and relax, a baby would magically appear.

Of course, I know this isn't the case, and I also know damn well that the scientific odds are stacking up against us every day.

Especially today.

Today, I got the go ahead from Dr. A. to start stimming tomorrow morning. When I asked the RN about my antral follicle count, she paused, took a deep breath and barreled forward. I could tell it was a question she didn't want to answer.

She said that I have "3 or 4" follicles on each ovary, a number well below the average for my age. This was also the case last month, something that I didn't want to look at or think about, so I just didn't.

I suppose IVF is sort of like Pandora's Box that way - one learns things that might have been best unsaid, unknown. We are proceeding with this cycle, come what may because Dr. A. doesn't think the numbers are going to get any better, and we're moving forward under much less than ideal circumstances.

I can't say I'm looking forward to this, and I can't say I'm even hopeful. I don't understand how we got here. I had convinced myself that my ovaries were okay, but today I learned that they are "sluggish" and "working really hard to produce a small number of follicles".

Not a good sign.

Menopur every morning; Gonal-F injections every night. First ultrasound: Friday.

IVF Warranty? What Will They Think of Next?

Today my beloved husband called me at work to relay details of a telephone conversation with the Clinic's finance department. During this discussion, I experienced a moment of utter disbelief that this whole thing is really happening. I shook my head as L. rattled off IVF finance options, specifically several "package deals" that sounded like all-inclusive vacation resorts.

He exclaimed, "We can either get one fresh and one frozen, two chances at a fresh and one frozen, or even three chances and two frozen!"

What??!! Are we talking about fish sticks or roulette?

He went on to say that we can purchase a 70% money-back guarantee from this company in the instance that we are unsuccessful. Of course, they won't disclose how much this "guarantee" will cost until they have my ovarian reserve results in their greedy little paws. So, in essence, I suppose the insurance company is playing the odds themselves - I guess the better my eggs look, the cheaper this little policy will be.

In other words, there is actually someone out there who's willing to roll the dice on this (as long as I have eggs that look they might actually convert into a kid).

So...I'm still shaking my head in disbelief and wondering how we got here. It's the end of Day 1 on the evil pill and I'm already having hot flashes.

(Postscript: For any of you who don't know Fresh/Frozen terminology, see the IF Terms/Acronyms You Never Wanted to Know to the right for a quick explanation. If you stick with me, you'll soon know more than you ever bargained for!).