Monday, February 23, 2009

Why?


Why this is all happening is a question I ask myself countless times a day. I know there are many people in my life who believe L. and I are "too preoccupied" with having a baby and that if only we would destress, slow down and relax, a baby would magically appear.

Of course, I know this isn't the case, and I also know damn well that the scientific odds are stacking up against us every day.

Especially today.

Today, I got the go ahead from Dr. A. to start stimming tomorrow morning. When I asked the RN about my antral follicle count, she paused, took a deep breath and barreled forward. I could tell it was a question she didn't want to answer.

She said that I have "3 or 4" follicles on each ovary, a number well below the average for my age. This was also the case last month, something that I didn't want to look at or think about, so I just didn't.

I suppose IVF is sort of like Pandora's Box that way - one learns things that might have been best unsaid, unknown. We are proceeding with this cycle, come what may because Dr. A. doesn't think the numbers are going to get any better, and we're moving forward under much less than ideal circumstances.

I can't say I'm looking forward to this, and I can't say I'm even hopeful. I don't understand how we got here. I had convinced myself that my ovaries were okay, but today I learned that they are "sluggish" and "working really hard to produce a small number of follicles".

Not a good sign.

Menopur every morning; Gonal-F injections every night. First ultrasound: Friday.

18 comments:

'Murgdan' said...

Sending all the best to you and your little ovaries that could! Hang in there.

Leslee said...

Thinking positive... go ovaries, go!

Leslee
babyattheend

wannabmomma said...

I'm sorry girl. Keep your chin up! I know - easier said than done.

Alex and Jill said...

Chin up, sweetie. You have so many people praying for you and those ovaries.

On the days that you can't bring yourself to believe...I'm believing for you. :)

((HUGS))

Megan said...

I'm so sorry you got a downer before starting your stims. Hang in there.

The secret diary of an infertile said...

I hope things look good on Friday. Keep positive x

Lea said...

I hope your ovaries surprise you in the end. It's hard to go through the motions when you aren't even hopeful about the outcome. But I'll be hopeful for you if that's OK.

I Believe in Miracles said...

Hoping everything goes well this time... chin up and grow little follicles grow!!!

just me said...

Someone once told me that if you think positive thoughts, then positive things will happen. I don't always think that is the case, but I do feel that it never hurts....so.....I am thinking positive thoughts and praying that your ovaries kick in, produce eggs and you are soon pregnant.

I'm keeping you in my thoughts!

Lauren said...

Oh yes, the "you should just relax" comments are my favorites! I'm sorry you're not getting the news you hoped for. Hang in there. People have had success (i.e. gotten pregnant) in conditions that no one would have expected would produce a pregnancy. In no way are you out of the game!

be said...

Keeping my fingers crossed for you...as they keep telling me "It only takes one"...

A n T said...

Good Luck. Hopefully you will have more pop up as you start to feed the ovaries!

Emily said...

Hoping for good news all around! C'mon ovaries!!!

womb for improvement said...

Hope they rise to the challenge. Best of luck.

S said...

I really hope your Friday ultrasound goes well. 3 or 4 on each ovary doesn't too drastic if they all have one potential egg and chance of fertilising! Sometimes the below average cycles can surprise us. I only had 6 eggs from our first IVF cycle, 5 of them fertilised and all 5 turned into pregnancies. That's a heap better than subsequent cycles where I produced more eggs.

Hang in there mate! C'mon ovaries!!

KandiB said...

This is going to sound trite and will probably make you want to poke me in the eye (right through your computer screen), but eight is good! It's enough! Sure, there could be more, but you need just one good one. Stay positive. I'll be praying that they all grow, release and are ready for the challenge!

mommy of girls said...

Hey doll...just wanted you to know that I'm choosing to believe in the positive. As my OB said..."it just takes one to make a baby"! :-) Hoping...and praying...and believing that your "one" is there and ready to go. Will be thinking about you tomorrow and anxious to hear how your u/s goes. Love you. Praying....

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