Torn

If I had one wish today (aside from the obvious cuddly, beautiful infant), it would be that, just once, infertility could be a tiny bit clearer, less murky and generally more cut and dry.

Basically, I'm clamoring to get the hell out of this Funhouse.

Ultrasound results: 6 follicles - 16.5, 13, 12, 11.5, 9.5 and 9.5.

E2=1101

My favorite nurse actually came in on a Sunday just to talk things over with us, which brought tears to my eyes (and, no, it's not just the massive amounts of estrogen flowing through my body).

She said that in no way do any of my test results indicate perimenopause. However, this low follicle count likely means that we are always going to have less to work with in an IVF cycle as it is similar to what we had last cycle on the Lupron (long) protocol. Gulp.

In other words, we're probably never going to skip down the hall after an ultrasound basking in the glow of multitudes of follies. Not going to happen. These are the ovaries I have, and like it or not, this is what they're putting out.

So, it's a matter of rolling the dice - do we want to take the leap of faith with 4 follicles (which might be the best case scenario, given that the 9.5ers probably will not catch up in time)?

We are torn.

On one hand, we know that it takes one egg, one sperm to make an embryo. And, one embryo is all we need.

On the other hand, L. is a medical professional, and we realize that the statitstics aren't good here.

But, let's face it, things probably aren't going to get better in subsequent cycles.

The Plan: In a classic sequence of events I will have to recount later, we began Cetrotide today in an attempt to save the Big Girl (the 16.5er). Continue Menopur and Gonal-F.

Sunday night: Pray.

Monday - Pray. Pray. Pray.

Next ultrasound: Tuesday morning and Pray.

Tuesday afternoon: Deliberation/Decision Time.

Damn, IF really sucks.

Why?

Why this is all happening is a question I ask myself countless times a day. I know there are many people in my life who believe L. and I are "too preoccupied" with having a baby and that if only we would destress, slow down and relax, a baby would magically appear.

Of course, I know this isn't the case, and I also know damn well that the scientific odds are stacking up against us every day.

Especially today.

Today, I got the go ahead from Dr. A. to start stimming tomorrow morning. When I asked the RN about my antral follicle count, she paused, took a deep breath and barreled forward. I could tell it was a question she didn't want to answer.

She said that I have "3 or 4" follicles on each ovary, a number well below the average for my age. This was also the case last month, something that I didn't want to look at or think about, so I just didn't.

I suppose IVF is sort of like Pandora's Box that way - one learns things that might have been best unsaid, unknown. We are proceeding with this cycle, come what may because Dr. A. doesn't think the numbers are going to get any better, and we're moving forward under much less than ideal circumstances.

I can't say I'm looking forward to this, and I can't say I'm even hopeful. I don't understand how we got here. I had convinced myself that my ovaries were okay, but today I learned that they are "sluggish" and "working really hard to produce a small number of follicles".

Not a good sign.

Menopur every morning; Gonal-F injections every night. First ultrasound: Friday.

Jumping Hurdles on Hormones Really Bites

Okay, so this is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.

Frankly, this IVF hurdle thing is my own little personal version of hell. Just when you think that you've accomplished something, another hurdle appears in front of the one that just zapped all your energy. And, I'm living through all of this under the influence of drugs that make me weepy about absolutely everything. (Clomid might be evil, but these hormones are enough to make me wonder how I'm going to get through my next work meeting without tears streaming down my cheeks because my pen ran out of ink.)

So, ultrasound #1 is history. Since my clinic is two hours away, my OB-GYN offered to do my monitoring. While I was grateful to not have to return to the fertility clinic here in town (a place which I detest passionately), undergoing ultrasounds amongst the pregnant may not have been the best choice while these hormones are swimming around my body. Also, it took my doctor's office way too long to send results to the Clinic we're using, which really almost pushed me over the edge today. Obviously, I'm going to have to discuss that with someone there tomorrow to keep it from being an issue on Wednesday.

Nonetheless, results from the world's most thorough ultrasound tech (I've never had a longer ultrasound):

-14 follicles total - 4 are currently measurable (10, 10, 10 1/2 and 12).

-Estradiol = 90 (A little low, according to my RN. I'm wondering if this could be attributed to my extended time on Lupron and will be consulting with Hannah the acupuncturist about this tonight.)

And, of course, I am now obsessed with estradiol and have googled it at least 10 times in the last 2 hours. And, with that, my next hurdle was born: PLEASE INCREASE!!!!

On a positive note, as I was awaiting my ultrasound this morning, a pregnant woman sat down beside me and overheard my conversation with my RN I had to call from my cell phone. When I hung up, she asked if I was doing IVF with the Clinic. I said yes, and she said that she did as well. In fact, while her first fresh cycle was not successful, both of her children were the results of Frozen Embryo Transfers from her original cycle. In a word where I literally feel surrounded by the easy-breezy pregnant, it was nice to hear that this morning.

So, that's today's story. I have a completely renewed appreciation, respect and deep admiration for all of you who have gone through this IVF thing and lived to tell the story. I thought about each of you many times as I sloshed through this day.

Acupuncture tonight, more shots tonight, and tomorrow night. Next ultrasound Wednesday.

On to the next hurdle...

Halloween 2008: Trick or Treat?

Halloween 2007 Flashback: L. & I passed out sweets to 50-75 Batmans, Princesses and Witches in our neighborhood. And, each and every time we threw a piece of chocolate into a child's orange, plastic jack-o-lantern, we happily thought that next year we would be pregnant or that we might have a little tiny baby of our own.

Flashforward to Halloween 2008: We will be traveling to the Clinic for yet another ultrasound in hopes that "the cyst" has disappeared into infinity. I can't believe I'm saying this, but the ultimate Halloween "Treat" would be permission from Dr. A. to start shooting up with the hundreds-of-dollars-worth-of hormones sitting in our fridge instead of just looking at them every time I pull out the purified water.

Amazing where a year can take you. I would have never in a million years thought that 2008 would bring us a real, live, fresh IVF cycle. Hell, I'm still not convinced it's going to bring us a real, live, fresh IVF cycle.

But, here's to hoping and praying.....please send us your positive vibes and prayers.

The Ultimate Reframe

Today I am psyching myself up for the big box of medications that will arrive on Thursday. You see, I've been dreading the arrival of this box for many months - every time I pondered the prospect of IVF I thought about that damned box and everything it represents to me: over $1000 of medicines and needles to remedy what my body is apparently not doing for some reason.

My two-timer IVF "friend" showed me her box of IVF meds once. I made myself look at it while cooing positive affirmations because I knew it was so difficult for her. Of course, all the while I was thinking, "Surely that won't happen to us...we'll never come to that point."

And, now here we are. We have officially arrived at that unthinkable stop on the yellow brick IF road.

So, today I'm trying to think of that box as the ultimate Christmas gift - the present we are giving ourselves that could dramatically change everything in our lives forever.

Let's hope so anyway.

A Question for the IVF Experts Out There

Well, the IVF meds are officially ordered and should arrive Thursday. Stay tuned for the obligatory photo of my great big box of meds which will be posted for your viewing pleasure sometime next weekend.

I have a call in to the RNs at my clinic, but I wanted some input from some of you who've been through this. I am wondering about the difference between the painful PIO shots versus progesterone suppositories. Was one better than the other for you? Recommendations?

It's going to be an exciting week - pre-IVF acupuncture begins tomorrow evening! Hopefully that will get me ready to begin playing with needles as well as my very own, personal sharps container!