Return to Real Life

I returned to real life today, and I made it through the day. I'm definitely not on my A-game at work, but I'm doing my best. There were several moments when I became so engrossed in work drama today that I realized afterward I hadn't questioned whether our embryos were still dividing in nearly ten minutes.

The highlight of my day was the welcome back I got from my staff - one of them approached me this morning: "Leslie, we're so glad you're back. I'm just going to tell you on the downlow that people have been talking about where you've been...some people thought that you've been out sick because you're pregnant."

UGH!!! Insert forced laugh here and change subject. Quickly.

Thanks to everyone for all your great comments and support yesterday.

Also of note, I was really moved by Cassandra's post today about Affirmations and thought that you might want to check it out, along with all the comments. Very encouraging. And, by the way, she just got a surprise BFP. Stop by and congratulate her and enjoy a very uplifting post.

One more day down....

P.S. Photo today is what I'm praying is happening in my uterus about now.

Weekly Highlights

1. I received an e-vite to a former coworker's baby shower. Ummm, no.

2. The obligatory work baby shower: I supervise a girl who is pregnant and was asked by another staff I supervise when we were going to start planning the shower.

My response: "Thanks for volunteering."

3. A former staff decided to pop in to show off her newborn baby. I pasted a smile on my face and forced myself out of my office to ooh and ahh about how wonderful she looks and how beautiful the baby is. As talk turned to the great tax break she got for her newborn child (apparently, the government loves fertiles too), she said, "Hey, do you girls mind if I breast feed?"

Ummmm, seriously?

Overheard...

I had the privilege of overhearing these "gemstone conversations" at work this week:

1. Girls at Work: "Yes, my sister had her baby this weekend. They're planning to have another one in 2010 because they've had one in 2008 and 2009. Isn't that funny?"

In My Head: Ummm, Ha. Ha. I can't believe people (i.e. bunny rabbits) actually plan this baby thing like planning a vacation or buying a new car and that it actually comes to fruition.

Cannot identify on any level.

2. Girl at Work (who incidentally happens to be aware of my situation): "My husband and I are going to try and start getting pregnant this year. I'm telling you, I don't dread labor and delivery - I dread that first 3 months of pregnancy. I just don't even know how I'll make it through all the morning sickness that my mother had."

In My Head: Ummm, excuse me while I throw up at the grotesque superficiality and naivity of this little gemstone of a comment. This statement is from a girl who is totally aware that I am begging my doctor to allow me to inject my belly with a hormonal cocktail. Need I say more?

Again, cannot identify on any level.

It's amazing how IF has changed my perspective. I suppose these are things I would have laughed at or commented on three years ago. Now, I just shake my head and get the hell out of the room as quickly as possible.

And, if I hear one more thing about the octuplets...

Damn good thing therapy is scheduled for Thursday.

Ready for Reality

Call me crazy, but I'm ready to return to work tomorrow. I'm really ready to focus on something other than my vacant uterus.

I knew I was ready to return to work when I felt angry, annoyed and irritated with every mommy at the grocery store today. I kept looking at these blissfully happy women and wondering to myself, "What the hell does your uterus have that mine doesn't?"

Definitely time to return to the grind. 8 a.m. can't get here quickly enough.

A Sign

I've experienced a sign that we're headed in the right direction with our IF decisions. I've wanted to write about this for a couple of weeks or so, but I just had to let it all sink in first because it has been so very moving to me.

About a month ago, my CEO explained to me that he was reassigning me to a new position, developing a new program 45 miles north of where I'm working. I protested and finally explained to him that L & I were considering IVF. I explained that I didn't want or need this stress in my life right now.

He didn't care. He kept saying that this is where he wanted me to go, where I belonged.

I prayed and prayed, and I ultimately accepted that this guy was going to send me where he wanted, and I was just going to have to deal with it. I decided that it certainly wasn't the time to be out job-searching, especially while we're figuring out how to finance this whole IVF thing.

And, then my phone rang. An old boss of mine asked me to come to her Agency and manage branch of a program I'm already running. She offered me more money, and she was really encouraging and supportive when I told her about IVF.

In my heart and mind, I know this was all clearly Divine Intervention.

So, I'm starting my new job mid-August, and for the first time in a long time, I'm actually feeling excited about my work.

Most importantly, I find myself very reassured for the first time in a long time. We're walking in the right direction.