This Is Crazy....

The Embryo High has evaporated.

I wasn't exactly expecting all this: the IVF Two-Week Wait is a new animal to me. Frankly, I didn't realize how emotionally difficult this was going to be.

In fact, I invested so much time and energy getting to this point that I never thought about what comes after. After all of the drama and Divine Intervention of the last few days, I feel like I've entered a desert of some kind - there's nothing for miles and miles and miles.

I am preoccupied with the fact that with Divine Assistance, we created life, and it was subsequently placed in my uterus. I am overwhelmed with this crazy emotional attachment to it, along with a sickening fear about whether or not it's still there.

I know I need to stay positive, keep hopeful, keep the faith.

I just never in a million years realized how hard this was going to be. I can't even fathom how I'm going to feel the night before that pregnancy test.

The IVF 2 week wait is the CROWN JEWEL of all 2 week waits. It doesn't get any more intense than this, at least not in my humble infertility experience.

Pales. In. Comparison.

Words of wisdom from those of you who have been through this would really be welcomed.

Really welcomed.

Praying. Praying. Praying.

Transfer Day

For anyone out there who is contemplating the pros and cons of IVF, making it to Transfer Day definitely goes in the priceless column. Regardless of the outcome of this whole experience, seeing your little embryos for the first time is a moving achievement in the IF journey.

The clinic staff did an amazing job of making this a very special experience for us, giving us pictures and the petri dish our embryos were growing in. (By the way, I want to post these pictures but am still trying to figure that out).

We were able to see the embryos magnified thousands of times on a television screen as they pulled them up through the catheter.

We put back two embryos - a 7 cell and an 8 cell. Dr. A. said that things looked good - and that the embryos actually looked like they had developed further by the time of transfer (which was later than scheduled originally yesterday).

No word on the other embryos other than they are still growing. We'll find out later as to whether or not they'll make it to freeze.

Today, I'm on bedrest and trying to take it easy. I'm watching my favorite shows and praying at regular intervals that this is going to work.

It's a leap of faith, I know. I feel so much better knowing that we were able to get this far, and I'm just focusing on that right now. I'm trying not to focus too much on the risk we have taken and the fear of failure.

Right now, I'm just enjoying my embryo high.

Thanks again to everyone for your unfailing support and prayers throughout this crazy cycle. You make the experience so much more easy to live through.

We Have Embryos!!!

Today we are celebrating that this is the absolute closest we've come!! After almost 2 1/2 years and absolutely NO positive pregnancy tests, we have embryos!!!

No matter what happens with this process, I have a renewed hope that I have never experienced before.

The report:

All 9 of our fertilized eggs have divided. The lab says they like to see them at 2-4 cell at this point.

2 are at 4 cell.

1 is a 3 cell.

6 are at 2 cell

One of the 2 cells has a little more fragmentation than they would like.

Transfer is a 3-day - and is scheduled for tomorrow at 2:15.

Please continue to pray for us as we move forward. We are thrilled to have the opportunity to move further into this process with the knowledge that we have what it takes to make these little marvels, which is a tremendous relief to me - no matter what the outcome (Make sure you remind me of that in the 2 week wait - ha ha).

Fertilization Report

The call finally came around 10 this morning.

Of the 15, 11 were mature, and 9 fertilized. They'll call tomorrow with another update.

We are ecstatic and so blessed this morning.

Update tomorrow.

15

As I came out of my retrieval haze this morning, the first word I heard L. say was, "15". I absolutely couldn't believe it and apparently retorted, "No, that can't be right. They must mean 1.5."

After this, I asked the nurse for a glass of Pinot Grigio.

They retrieved 15 eggs today. I don't know if my ovaries went into overdrive these last couple of days or what, but I am still shaking my head in disbelief at this number.

Fertilization report will be around 9 a.m. tomorrow. The lab met with us before we left and explained everything they'll be doing with our eggs and sperm today. This is an amazing process, and I am awe-struck by everything they're doing to help us.

We had a fantastic experience with the nursing staff as well - we were the only retrieval this morning so they were able to give us lots of attention, which was very reassuring.

This has been a thrilling day, and I'm trying to stay focused on my faith here. Everything will work out just as it is supposed to, and that's exactly what I'm praying for.

This is uncharted territory for me, however, and I find myself worrying about what's going on in that lab tonight.

This is such an amazing odyssey to share with L., and I feel so close to him right now. Last night when we arrived at our hotel, he gave me a letter he had written about how much he loved my strength through this process and an "IVF present" - a necklace I was admiring the other day.

God has blessed me with an amazing husband.

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us and sending us so much support.

Looks like we're moving on to the next IVF Funhouse room tomorrow.

It's going to be a long night.

Ovarian Update

We're headed to retrieval.

The Nurse said that things have developed really well over the last 2 days, and that my ovaries seem to be "getting the message".

Final Count: 4 maturing follicles, 2 hopefuls

E2=2125 (promising!)

Trigger: Wednesday night

Appointment with shrink: Thursday

Retrieval: Friday

I am so relieved that we're finally going through with this.

Thank you to everyone who has encouraged me through phone calls, texts, comments, and e-mails these last few days. Your support has been uplifting and much appreciated. I sincerely believe your prayers made all the difference.

I'll keep you posted.

Torn

If I had one wish today (aside from the obvious cuddly, beautiful infant), it would be that, just once, infertility could be a tiny bit clearer, less murky and generally more cut and dry.

Basically, I'm clamoring to get the hell out of this Funhouse.

Ultrasound results: 6 follicles - 16.5, 13, 12, 11.5, 9.5 and 9.5.

E2=1101

My favorite nurse actually came in on a Sunday just to talk things over with us, which brought tears to my eyes (and, no, it's not just the massive amounts of estrogen flowing through my body).

She said that in no way do any of my test results indicate perimenopause. However, this low follicle count likely means that we are always going to have less to work with in an IVF cycle as it is similar to what we had last cycle on the Lupron (long) protocol. Gulp.

In other words, we're probably never going to skip down the hall after an ultrasound basking in the glow of multitudes of follies. Not going to happen. These are the ovaries I have, and like it or not, this is what they're putting out.

So, it's a matter of rolling the dice - do we want to take the leap of faith with 4 follicles (which might be the best case scenario, given that the 9.5ers probably will not catch up in time)?

We are torn.

On one hand, we know that it takes one egg, one sperm to make an embryo. And, one embryo is all we need.

On the other hand, L. is a medical professional, and we realize that the statitstics aren't good here.

But, let's face it, things probably aren't going to get better in subsequent cycles.

The Plan: In a classic sequence of events I will have to recount later, we began Cetrotide today in an attempt to save the Big Girl (the 16.5er). Continue Menopur and Gonal-F.

Sunday night: Pray.

Monday - Pray. Pray. Pray.

Next ultrasound: Tuesday morning and Pray.

Tuesday afternoon: Deliberation/Decision Time.

Damn, IF really sucks.