This sermon was on the wings of a Saturday night breakdown in which I lost it when I thought about all the people around me who are either a). currently pregnant or b). on their way to becoming pregnant after trying for less than 3 months. Needless to say, in spite of his typical patience, L. was a little annoyed with me because these meltdowns always happen at the most inopportune times (we were on our way to dinner, and he was very hungry)
Looking at they "sunny side" definitely doesn't come naturally to me and, frankly, I'm kind of caught up grieving this whole TTC thing. Sitting in the RE's waiting room continues to feel surreal, and I still look around in disbelief because I can't believe this is happening. I haven't reached the acceptance stage - okay, I'm nowhere near the acceptance stage. I'm hanging out somewhere between bargaining ("God, if you'll just let me get pregant from IUI this month, I'll do anything You want me to do for the rest of my life...") and pretty intense anger ("God, I know I've done some bad things in my life, but what did I do to deserve this??!!")
So, in light of my ongoing struggle with negativity (which I think is more reality, although L. doesn't agree), it's been a challenge for me to redirect myself to the positive on this Monday. I tried anyway by formulating the following list of things I'm very thankful for today:
1. An unexpected phone call from L. today
2. A telephone conversation with my sister
3. A telephone conversation with my mom
4. Receiving a really thoughtful e-mail from A. today
5. Hearing from my wonderful Aunt N. yesterday (several times)
6. Receiving supportive comments on my blog
My mother-in-law would love this particular blog as I think she's sometimes overwhelmed by the fact that I don't even own a set of rose colored glasses. Maybe today I've made a little progress toward believing that we will be blessed with a baby when the time is right. Here's to tomorrow and the ongoing countdown to the 28th day!!!
5 comments:
Years ago, I went through some very challenging times where I questioned if God was really there, if he was listening to me, and even today I look around me and see pain and suffering that I wonder what the purpose is all about. I do know that time does put perspective on matters. And I do know that we are here on earth in His image. He has a plan. Not always the same plan as our own. We live in an age where we want things now and we want things our way and we think we are deserving. I don't think powers greater than ourselves see it quite this way. Sometimes the best way to deal with the challenge is to jump in with both feet and behave exactly the opposite of what we feel like behaving. Laugh when we want to cry. Attend a function that we don't want to. When we are needy we need to be cared for. And when we are needy we need to push ourselves to "do". "Do" whatever we can until we drop. It is a good diversion and God is watching. Blessings surround us. We just have to hit ourselves in the head sometimes to see them. I have an ole antique trunk that I have used in the past for the purpose of writing down something that I am in personal crisis over. I open the trunk and place my worries inside, shutting the lid. It is really the same concept as the knobs on the TV. Allow yourself to be angry and sad, but also give yourself the right to be free from your troubles. You will get throught this. I know it.
If you feel uplifted by the message you received over the TV, consider the power of weekly church attendence. It is a time and place for submission of my needs, a chance to refuel, an opportunity to find friendships, a place of peace, and yes a message that always hits home. Like you, I sit there and wonder how the pastor knows me so well. But this, I think, is what most of the congregation feels. And so I am convinced that we all struggle with our own issues everyday. I can honestly say that it is the time of week where I feel I can empty my load and find the strength to move through the next week. It is just a suggestion. Know that I care about you a great deal.
Nice to "meet" you and sorry you're on this roller coaster as well. DH and I have been married almost 3 years, TTC#1 since January 2004. IVF#2 will be this month.
Here's to keeping your sanity during the 2ww.
I can very much relate to your post. I am on the positive train too. Good Luck!
Good luck with the 2ww!! I'm on mine. I was thinking to myself how negative I'm feeling lately... so I'm going to try and write 100 things that I'm grateful about. You have a good start with those 5. What to try the challenge too? Maybe it will help turn our attitudes around a bit.
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