Sunday, August 24, 2008

The Verdict Is In, Another Sleepless Night & The Joys of Pregnant Friends

The GREAT news is that most of my test results are in, and the verdict is good. I am a "clean girl" (in other words, I'm STD-free).

Also, my Clomid Challenge test results were, in the words of the IVF nurse, "beautiful - exactly what we hope to see."

While I am genuinely thrilled with this news, I remain perplexed because I am consumed with questions about why all of this is happening. I keep thinking that if everything looks this good, why have I not been able to get knocked up for 22 months (and counting..)? Also, I am more overcome with fear about everything that's ahead of us. Thoughts of enlarged ovaries and daily shots are looking a little more reality based, and that's catalyzing gut-wrenching, anxiety-in-the-middle-of-the-night-kind-of-fear. In fact, I'm currently having a Infertility/Clomid-sponsored sleepless night, which has given me the opportunity to write this post.

Tomorrow, I am hanging out with a couple of my friends who I've been avoiding like the plague. One is pregnant (per her second IVF cycle) and the other one is trying for her second child (in essence she'll be with child by next month). I'm dreading both of these encounters because I don't feel comfortable being honest about my feelings with either one of them. You will probably be hearing more about them in upcoming posts because we're starting baby shower preparations for the one who is pregnant.

You would think that my friend who's been through two rounds of IVF would be a great support to have right now, but frankly many of my childless friends have been more understanding than she has. I don't know how many times I've heard her say in response to my IVF quandries, "IVF scared me mainly because I knew it was the last resort...if it didn't work, I knew I would have to face the fact that I just couldn't have a baby."

If that one doesn't do it for you, consider this one: "You just have to remember that IVF doesn't always happen on the first time...but maybe it'll work by the second go-around." an IVF inductee, I have to tell you, these were comforting words to curl up with at night.

I don't know why I feel compelled to continue with these relationships. I'm really questioning that right now. Perhaps it's because they've historically been good friends (when babies were not part of the equation). Or maybe it's because it seems like the "right thing to do", like I should push myself to help with this baby shower as a demonstration of faith in God that it's going to happen for me someday.

Still deliberating about this one.

Another trip to the Clinic scheduled for Tuesday for IVF teaching.


Faith said...

Yikes -- that's not exactly helpful commentary from your IVF friend. Maybe she thinks she's preparing you?

Penny said...

first: glad to hear that all the bloodwork checked out perfectly.

second: "unexplained" diagnoses suck to all hell, and you have my sympathies.

third: Dude, I hate when friends project their own thoughts onto your experiences. I was telling my husband last night that I didn't want to listen to any of that garbage either, and he's all, "but they just want to show sympathy," and I was all, grumble grumble FUCK OFF grumble. So, yea. Don't have any sage assvice or anything for you, just my sympathies.

Best of luck on the upcoming IVF. Scary, but thrilling. Definitely surreal.

womb for improvement said...

The test results sound really encouraging. Hope it all works and your pregnant friends become 'Mummy friends' who you are glad you stuck with when you bring your kid round for play dates!

My Infertility Diaries said...

I know what ya friends without kids are so much more understanding. I think it is because they don't know yet if they will end up in my shoes one day. Sorry they are not so encouraging. Sending you some HUGS and tons of Encouragement!!!

Hope2morrow said...

Hmmmmm.... Maybe you can take a break form these two relationships until you feel the need to connect with them again. It's never fun to have to "force" yourself to go out with people. And often, they feel the strain too. Maybe tell them you need some space, if you feel comfortable saying something like that.

Alex and Jill said...

Happy to hear about the test results!

The fear you're having is totally normal...I remember that fear. I hate that you're losing sleep over it. The shots ended up being a piece of cake for me and I'm sure they will be for you as well. Once you get that first one out of the way, you'll feel like a pro. :)

As for the friend issue...I would hate for you to lose a friendship that you've had for so long. I found there were very few that I could be totally honest about my feelings and those few were the ones that I confided in. The rest, I just did normal girlfriend stuff with...which was a nice get-away from the IVF world I was living in everyday. :)

Praying for you, girl...

Hang in there, it will all work out.


Deborah said...

Congrats on passing the Clomid Challenge.

I hope that you can salvage these friendships. Just my point of view, for what it's worth, IVF friend seems like she is trying to be helpful. Depending on the relationship, I would probably want to have a one on one chat just to talk things out.

I Believe in Miracles said...

Isn't it a great feeling when all the blood work tests out? I was relieved and amused all at the same time. Like, of course I don't have that? (say in valley girl voice)

I hope your friends visit went well - better than you hoped at least. I haven't had too many people remotely understand what I'm going through. But thank goodness the handful that have, have been great.


mommy of girls said...

Hey doll...
Hope you have gotten some sleep since your last post. Girl, I do remember those sleepless nights and they are definitely no fun. I am still praying for you all and know that God does indeed have great things planned for you and L. I pray that He will reveal His plan to you soon. I know it's tough...the horomones...night thoughts...frustrations with pregnant people, etc. Just keep blocking out all the negative people...they are just a waste of energy at this point. Hang in there. I'll keep hitting my knees for you! Love ya!

petridishbaby said...

I am so glad that I haven't had to be an active participant in a baby shower during all of this. The only baby shower I have been invited too, I ditched...I said I wasn't feeling well, which was actually the truth. Other than that, if a pregnant friend is being a "good ivf" friend to me, I try and be a good "pregnancy friend" to them. Otherwise, if they don't know about ivf or if they say stupid things like "It only took us one try to get pregnant, that's just how it is in our family," I just avoid them. One thing I've learned through all this is my limits. I hope the shower planning is not too much of a hardship for's important that you are as mentally stable and psychologically content as possible during ivf!!