Thursday, March 26, 2009

Blame the Hormones

I've sworn to myself through this whole thing that never, ever would I complain about anything "pregnancy related" if God would ever just grant me the opportunity to experience it. And, I'm sticking to that. I can tell you that if morning sickness is every my reality, I will vomit with a smile. Likewise, I will gladly gain weight, sport a pregnancy nose and swollen ankles and hands...all with a gracious laugh. Promise.

However, I didn't expect the anxiety I'm feeling right now because for the first time ever, it feels like there is so much to lose.

I remember when I was a kid, I absolutely couldn't wait until the day my parents trusted me to stay home alone. I imagined that I would be in charge of my two younger sisters, I would eat whatever I wanted, and watch anything I wanted on TV.

But when it finally happened, after the elation wore off, I felt a strange sense of fear. Creaks in the floor were just a little bit louder, and the dark was just a little bit darker. It was actually a little scary.

And, at the risk of sounding like a whinebox, I'm feeling pretty home alone right now. I am elated that we are pregnant. It's beyond thrilling to say to myself, "I'm 5 weeks pregnant on Saturday."

But there are no affirmations right now - no blood test results or ultrasounds, and I'm scared to death of what is (or isn't) going on in there. Yes, I've actually considered buying a few pregnancy tests just to convince myself that this is actually happening.

Enter yet another 2 week wait. Our first ultrasound is 2 weeks from tomorrow: April 10. The thought of an ultrasound that actually involves a baby instead of a follicle counts and and endometriomas is thrilling.

I know, I need to get a grip. Do you think I can blame the hormones?


Joy said...

HELLO!!! I just found your blog and wanted to say the biggest, most heartfelt CONGRATULATIONS!

And who cares if you complain from time-to-time?! You're entitled! This is your time to shine, sweetie. It's okay to vent a little. No one likes feeling sick! It doesn't make you any less grateful.

But I must admit I understand, too, not wanting to come off as a complainer. I feel when I list my symptoms I come off as complaining when I'm just stating the facts of my experience.

Again, congrats! I can't wait to follow your journey!!!

Anonymous said...

My biggest wish for you right now is that you will find some sense of calm in this next 2ww. Every woman who wants and plans for a baby, with or without IVF, experiences the fear factors.I think sometimes when reaching a goal has had significant challenges ~ we can become so conditioned to worry ~that simply sitting back and absorbing the good news almost seems as if we're not working hard enough.So worry, anxiety and fear become ways of both protecting ourselves and creating a sense of actively doing "something."

Perhaps, it is especially difficult for women who like to know exactly what's going on.

Other than taking good care of yourself and filling your days/nights with plenty to do - the only other thing I would offer is to read the Bible. Parts of Ezra, Proverbs, Ephesians, 2 Timothy, Romans all contain verses that deal with fear, self discipline, uncertainties, anxiety ... our responses to them and what we should do. In Timothy - in states that it is Satan who is the master at using our fears against us. Sometimes meditating over these ancient passages - can offer a new perspective and a sense of direction.

Here is a passage from a recent sermon that I have saved.

"I commit and trust my life and circumstances to God every day. When I'm faced with a fearful or challenging situation, I always pray, 'God I choose to trust myself and this particular situation to you.' I keep doing this and in time, my feelings catch up with my choice. It may take a while, but it always works out for the best when I trust it to God."

I want so much for everything to go well for you.Search for peace and tranquility in each new day.

mommy of girls said...

Hey doll. Girl...I just want to tell you, it's not the hormones, it's called motherhood. Welcome to it! :-) You will likely worry over every little ache, pain, twing, etc until you are holding your little miracle. You will know your body like you never have before. Closer to the end you will examine things in the toliet paper after you wipe and wonder "what is this?" So...just get ready. These are all normal thoughts. But with that said, try not to let them consume you. Try to remember that this is what you prayed for and that God is busy just knitting that little baby(ies) in your womb and your job is to take care of yourself and let Him work. He doesn't need your worry. He's made a few of these little beings before! :-) I know it's hard though. I remember. I would cry at every cramp thinking the baby I worked so hard to get was gone. But I also tried my darndest to soak in all the feelings, because it truly is a wonderful ride. And when you do hold your little baby, the worries just shift. Are they getting enough to eat? How many times did they poop today? Is that poop normal? Are they peeing enough? Are they still breathing? (I checked my kids about every 10 minutes those first few nights) So with every phase there will be new worries and fears. It's motherhood doll. And I am soooo thrilled you are now a part of it. You're going to be a GREAT mommy! Enjoy your pregnancy. It's a blink and gone.

I Believe in Miracles said...

I probably POSA'd 5 times between my beta and my u/s just to be sure. I'd say what you're feeling is totally normal...

And I'm still super excited and praying for you.


Lauren said...

Sure, blame the hormones, and blame the difficult road of disappointments you've been down. It's hard to not expect the worst when you've had bad news for so long. It's hard to think "wow, this could actually be happening" because it hasn't happened for so long. The first couple of weeks after I found out I was pregnant, I was super nervous, especially when all they did was tell me I was pregnant, but I hadn't had an ultrasound or any kind of confirmation. I didn't even use a HPT becuase I was too scared of NOT seeing two lines! To tell you the truth, I'm still a bit nervous now, although it's gotten better since I've had a few ultrasounds and saw for myself that the little baby is actually in there. So hang in there! It'll get better.

Alex and Jill said...

Alex and I have to give this baby (or babies) to God on a daily basis. It's so easy to sit in fear, not knowing what's going to happen because He's never brought us this far. :) I look at it this babies are God's to begin with, He chose me to be the parent, but I have to give them back to Him and just trust. The same way I've been trusting for 3 years for this to happen.

I'm with ya, girl...we just have to keep giving it back. :)


Lea said...

I'm feeling it too. It's definitely about having something to lose. I hope your wait goes quickly! My first u/s is on the 15th. Are we there yet?! ;)

Penny said...

First of all, pregnancy can be both thrilling and dreadful.

Second, no one goes through infertility treatments to be pregnant. We all do it for the baby at the end of road. So thinking you should be in heaven right now because you're sort of halfway there is sort of like saying, "yay, I get to do stim shots now! I should be so greatful!" Fuck that. Pregnancy is hard, and it's a means to an end. Bitch away.

KandiB said...

I think pregnancy for an IF'r is especially worrisome - after months/years of knowing everything about our bodies (levels, counts, temps) and visiting the dr sometimes 4 or 5 times a week, it's really disconcerting to a). not know what to expect as far/what's normal and b). to not see a doctor for weeks/months at a time and c). not have some sort of count or level that tells us we're okay or not.

I'm 28 weeks along and still freak out waaaaaaaay too much. Even last night I was contemplating going to the ER because I hadn't felt her kick in awhile.

So, it's not the hormones. It just means so much after all we've gone through. There's so much on the table, ya know? I think it gets even worse the closer you get to "the big day."

So, you're normal. You can complain (wait until you're HUGE - its inevitable!), and you can stress a little (just don't let it overcome you). Take it day by day and thank God for the wonderful miracle taking place. Have a great weekend, Leslie.

Joy said...

I saw the comment you left for me on my SIL's blog (I'm just a contributing writer on there so I can tell people when her baby is born). My blog is
if you want to come over anytime!!!

I agree, God definitely has created your sweet little IVF Miracle. Congrats again!

Faith said...

Hey there -- I know it must be scary and it's so hard to trust. Eyes on the prize.

rgram962 said...

You are a worrier by nature. You have a lot of your mother in you. There is nothing that will ease your mind except every little confirmation. Hang on to L., ask ALL the questions that you need to. Find support in friends and family and do your best to stay busy. I love you so much! This is the most exciting news of the year and I could cry just thinking about you with that precious angel. You will be the best mother, and I'm sure one of the most nervous mothers, like me. Time to change your blog title, huh? By the way, if you do not have a copy of "What to Expect the First Year" then you need to get one now. It also helps during pregnancy. I was a basketcase when my children were infants and toddlers. Many a call was made to the Poison Control Hotline. I don't know exactly where you are coming from but I do understand anxiety over your child. That's right, YOUR CHILD, you're going to be a Mommy and that's all that matters right now. Look at the facts, the blood work speaks for itself and if you feel like comfirmation just go buy a couple of the over the counter tests. It might make you feel better.
I Love You,

womb for improvement said...

I would be petrified in your situation. I think it is natural for anyone to worry but when getting there in the first place was so hard that is bound to be magnified.

Take care.

Courtney said...

Well I dont have any advice cause I worried from the time I peed on the stick until hmmm... still am!! Even after every u/s and every appt- I still worry! I guess it comes with being a mommy... don't know for sure but I am taking a stab at it!! Next you'll worry about other stuff like I am now- like carseats, and how to pay for stuff and when when they tell me they hate me for the first time... will I like who they want to date? What about who'll they''ll marry? OMG I dont even know their names yet? Crap!!

just me said...

It is natural to worrry.....and it is okay. It must be so very hard to stay calm and I think this is going to be a very long 2ww for you. And if it makes feel better to blame the hormones.....blame away:-) SIL has her u/s scheduled for the 9th, so I am praying for both of you. As for me.....not this is a long story, but I think God has other plans for me right now.

I'm praying right now!

Jane G said...

It's perfectly natural to worry during pregnancy. I did in the past and I'm sure I will again if I ever get pregnant. I wish I had some advice for taking your mind off it, but I never discovered any good methods when I was there myself. Maybe just had it over to the Big Guy Upstairs!