Sunday, March 1, 2009

Torn


If I had one wish today (aside from the obvious cuddly, beautiful infant), it would be that, just once, infertility could be a tiny bit clearer, less murky and generally more cut and dry.

Basically, I'm clamoring to get the hell out of this Funhouse.

Ultrasound results: 6 follicles - 16.5, 13, 12, 11.5, 9.5 and 9.5.

E2=1101

My favorite nurse actually came in on a Sunday just to talk things over with us, which brought tears to my eyes (and, no, it's not just the massive amounts of estrogen flowing through my body).

She said that in no way do any of my test results indicate perimenopause. However, this low follicle count likely means that we are always going to have less to work with in an IVF cycle as it is similar to what we had last cycle on the Lupron (long) protocol. Gulp.

In other words, we're probably never going to skip down the hall after an ultrasound basking in the glow of multitudes of follies. Not going to happen. These are the ovaries I have, and like it or not, this is what they're putting out.

So, it's a matter of rolling the dice - do we want to take the leap of faith with 4 follicles (which might be the best case scenario, given that the 9.5ers probably will not catch up in time)?

We are torn.

On one hand, we know that it takes one egg, one sperm to make an embryo. And, one embryo is all we need.

On the other hand, L. is a medical professional, and we realize that the statitstics aren't good here.

But, let's face it, things probably aren't going to get better in subsequent cycles.

The Plan: In a classic sequence of events I will have to recount later, we began Cetrotide today in an attempt to save the Big Girl (the 16.5er). Continue Menopur and Gonal-F.

Sunday night: Pray.

Monday - Pray. Pray. Pray.

Next ultrasound: Tuesday morning and Pray.

Tuesday afternoon: Deliberation/Decision Time.

Damn, IF really sucks.

14 comments:

Megan said...

I'm so sorry. I too am waiting to wake up from my IF nightmare. I hope you get four really good ones.

~*~Bodhi~*~ said...

Hey, just for good measure, I'll throw my prayers in for you too and now you know you're special because I don't pray for anything but just this once, I will....for you!

xxxx

musicmakermomma said...

I am so sorry you don't have cut and dried answers here - you are so right! IVF is all about not getting definative answers ever, and you just hope you are making the choices that get you to a baby in the end. I am praying that your follicles do their thing and you end up with a good crop, best of luck whatever you decide to do with this cycle.

Wendy said...

Don't give up! I just had 5 follies of very similar size, and by the end we amazingly got 7 eggs! Between Stim Day 11 (last day of stims) and retrieval day, 3 more follies just jumped out from nowhere at all! We ended up with 8 follies on ER day, 4 good embies after 3 days, so you can too! I know its a horrible emotional roller coaster right now, I'm still reeling from it since my ER was Thursday, but from 6 follies you could end up with a bunch of embryos to choose from yet! I've been following your story forever, so keep us updated!!! I'm rooting for you!

Penny said...

That is a tough decision. I wish that 16'er could go into suspense for a while, enough for the other 5 to catch up.

Best of luck for which ever way you go.

Emily said...

IF does suck! You are getting there and I am confident you will have some eggs to work with on ER day. The waiting is the hardest part. GL!

Lea said...

There is nothing easy or clear cut about this. I wish we could all finish this ride. And soon.

I'll be praying along with you. Hoping for good news on the next u/s.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

I'm not just saying this to get your spirits up, but I really believe its the quality over the quantity.

Yeah it would be great to have a dozen of the buggers in top shape but it does just take one, it really does.

You have my best wishes.

Alex and Jill said...

I have one ovary, so I understand your frustration with the low follicle count. We had 7-8 on our first cycle and ended up with 3 that were good enough to put back/freeze. This time, we changed up meds and doses and we ended up with 10, so I was ecstatic about that. Have you guys discussed doing ICSI with your doctor? Could better your chances on the # of embryos, since you are dealing with less eggs. Just an idea. We're pulling out all of the stops this go around, because money is running out. We're doing assisted hatching and embryo glue, as well...in hopes that it will help with implantation, once put back.

You are always in my prayers, girl.

((HUGS))

womb for improvement said...

Let us know what happens tomorrow. And take care.

Anonymous said...

Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen to God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. This is God's promise to us- if we trust him and don't try to figure things out for ourselves, he will lead us toward faith. He knows we won't always understand the why of things. And he tells us that even if we cannot trust others, we can trust him, ( Although the harsh reality is that trusting God doesn't mean we will always be protected from the pain of life, just that our Father will be there with us in it.) I know ... it is one thing to say it and another thing to be able to do it. The answer is realizing that learning to trust is a process. For some it might come easily, but to many of us it will take a long time to totally trust. Many of us have old messages etched into our hearts. As I listened to many women talk about why it's hard to trust God, a pattern emerged. It seemed to me that our ability to trust is tied to the wrong thing. If our trust is tied to God acting the way we want him to act, we will be disappointed. If we believe that God answering our prayers the way we want him to is the only way we can trust him, we will live confused and miserable lives. But if we simply trust God, with no strings attached, wonderful things can happen."

I will be thinking of you this week and keeping you in my prayers.

just me said...

I'm praying for you girl (well, you and your ovaries :-)). You are right....IF sucks!!! I am still waiting to see how this cycle turns out and my SIL is going for her ER on Thursday. (this is her 3rd round of IVF). Hubby and I talked about possibly doing one round and to be honest.... my feelings on it haven't changed.... I am just not up for it..... I do not see myself getting on that roller coaster. I guess if I didn't already have one, I might consider it (probably not though....since I never even considered that route in the 8 yrs it took to get her). I have so much admiration for you and others that are able to go that route. It is a rocky journey and not one that you should go into lightly. It takes a strong and special person to not only begin that journey, but to stay on it. I'll be thinking about you......

Anonymous said...

I really cannot claim that I am even coming close to understanding the medical implications of the results from Sunday, but to me, it sounds like you should go ahead with it and give it a try. If things are likely to not change much next month, then why not?! Also, I wonder what it would do to your well-being if once again you couldn't follow through the cycle. And like you said, all you need in the end is one egg and one sperm. And really, that's all you need. Please know that I am here and that I am thinking of you every day.
Please be strong and try and find a little hope. I know that it is the hardest thing to do, but there is nothing else you can do really. Hope is what dies last, and it is good that way!

I love you very much!

Love,
me

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