Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Introducing Another IVF "Friend"....

After a great visit with my shrink yesterday afternoon, I walked out into the sunshine actually believing it was okay to feel hopeful about this cycle. She helped me understand that we'll be disappointed (okay, devastated) if this doesn't work, but there's nothing wrong with feeling some hope right now.

Essentially, it's going to suck either way if it's a negative.

After my appointment, I went to have coffee with an old friend I haven't seen in many months. I initiated this time with her because we will be moving in a few months, and I wanted to reconnect with her. She's a bit on the intense side, but I thought it would be a good diversion. She's one half of a couple with no kids, so I knew there would be no baby talk.

Well, I thought I knew.

We talked work for about 30 minutes, from which she launched into a discussion about her recent IVF cycle: "If you ever need a fertility specialist, I know a really good one. We just went through an IVF cycle. By the way, I'm 9 weeks pregnant."

She suggested the specialist in the same tone one would recommend a dentist or a hairstylist.

I was astounded and couldn't help but stammer that we just gone through the same thing. It seemed like the natural thing to do given the circumstances - I mean, I don't typically have coffee with someone for the first time in months only to hear that they just underwent IVF.

Big Mistake.

Her response: "Well, if it doesn't work, I know this great specialist..."

The remainder of the conversation was me listening to her complain about her pregnancy symptoms and how awful being pregnant is - "I'm soooo tired of being sick, and all I want to do is eat. This is just awful."

Needless to say, after a few minutes, I thought of somewhere else I needed to be and abruptly ended this fiasco.

I am realizing that IVF has many faces, and amazingly, simply going through it doesn't mean that you have an ounce of empathy or compassion. I have now encountered two women who have ridden the IVF roller coaster, and I couldn't feel farther apart from either of them in terms of their emotional response to this experience.

Today, I'm moving on from this horrific coffee date. Frankly, a few more months of separation from this friend (if not a permanent arrangement) might definitely be in order.


Sticks and Stims said...

Yuck. I love coffee and I would have been angry that a good cuppa would have been ruined by that.

I too have met a few women that have gone through treatment and it is like they speak a different language. It was shocking the first time, I was like, really?

Emily said...

I too have been shocked by what fellow IVFers have said and their lack of empathy - my sis-in-law included. There can be an element of competition - who has been through more, earned their stripes, better docs etc... It sucks. That is why I love the blogging community - it is rare to encounter that kind of BS.
Sorry you had to go through that...HUGS!

Mo and Will said...

Absolutely ugh. so sorry. sounds like she wasn't infertile long enough to become grateful for the amazing luck she has had.

hang in there! have my fingers crossed for you.


womb for improvement said...

Wow. That is just bizarre.

I Believe in Miracles said...

That's so nuts. I'm petrified that I'm becoming that person and am really trying not to be. Ugh. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

Still praying for you.

just me said...

It is amazing to me that there are thousands of women that have struggled with IF issues. It is even more amazing to me that when hundreds of those women successfully become pregnant, they seem to forget their struggles and forget that there are those that are still struggling. It is like the world and everything in it is now perfect because their body is "perfect".

When I finally became pregnant with DD, I was sick....a lot....for the entire nine months. I complained.....a lot. But that complaining was always followed by how worth it it all was to have that blessing to hold at the end of it. I would give anything to experience that kind of "sick" again. I would LOVE for you to be "sick".

I think that "friend" is not so much a friend. It is so hard to travel down this road. It is essential that those that know you are on this "trip", be understanding and supportive!

I wish I was closer......I would love to meet you for a good cup of coffee. Make that a decaf please :-)

'Murgdan' said...

This is so true. I've heard a few tell their story...like it was nothing more than your average everyday 'got knocked up' situation. No big deal. A little IVF. Whatever.


Megan said...

I wanted to be that woman...the one who did IVF and it worked the first time with no problems or issues. Oh well.

Faith said...

Some people don't know how lucky they got, huh? Good for you for trying to reconnect . . . sorry it wasn't as great as you had hoped.

Guy and Julie said...

Just found your blog through others' blogs, and I just have to say that after skimming over some of what you've been through, your perspective and thoughts really resonate with me. You do a very good job of putting into words a lot of things I think and feel...particularly with the impact IF has on friendships...bleh. You really find out who your real friends are through this process! Hoping and praying this cycle works for you.

Joy said...

Wow- now I understand your newest post about not wanting to complain about symptoms. YIKES! Definitely time to move on from that friendship..?