Aunt Flo is an Ugly Trog!

Well, Auntie (Bitchass) Flo is taking her sweet time...still sitting here waiting for something to happen.

I've been a little crampy here and there - I'm guessing it will be Monday or so before she finally decides to ride into town. Our 2K worth of meds will have to refrigerate until she gets here.

On a positive note (and I have to think of something positive these days), I will admit I have enjoyed my extra week of lattes.

Progesterone is a Jedi Mind Trick

The last words of Suzie Angel Nurse keep ringing in my ears throughout this blasted two week wait (By the way, I'm convinced this woman was part of a Divine Intervention the day of our IUI. She was so perfect, I'm not sure she's actually human):

"Now, don't get too excited if you start having pregnancy symptoms this month. Progesterone is what the body produces when you're pregnant, so you might start feeling some things that make you think you might be, and I don't want for you to be disappointed..."

So, while AF is on hiatus, probably laying on a beach somewhere laughing her evil laugh, relishing the thought of resurfacing in our lives in a couple of weeks, the Jedi Mind Trick is here in full force.

Now, let me reitterate, I have NO idea what it would "feel like" to be pregnant. After all, the closest I've been to being pregnant in my 34 years was when I lost my virginity and spent the next 5 weeks obsessing that my period wasn't going to start.

However, this stuff is a crazy-making drug. I can convince myself (more easily than usual) that I'm feeling things I've never felt before, and that maybe, just maybe, this is it.

But, let's get real. AF is rolling over to get some sun on her ass about now, and she'll be ready to swoop in as soon as I throw in the towel with these suppositories.

On a completely unrelated note, I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving. One of the things I am most thankful for this year is all of you who take a moment to read my rants.

I don't know how I dealt with this beast of a disease before I discovered the blog world.

You all rock.

Bring on the Broomstick!

My morning internet perusal of how to bring on A.F. evoked the following results:

1. Ginger
2. Aspirin
3. Black Cohosh (sounds a little frightening)
4. Green Tea
5. Sex
6. Yoga
7. No caffeine
8. Bubble baths for destressing
9. Sacrifice a newborn lamb (This little gemstone of chatboard advice is exactly why I typically stick to blogger-world for feedback.)

In my experience over the last 24 months, these are the things that seem to bring on the broomstick at lightening speed:

1. Wearing your most sexy, white Victoria's Secret panties
2. Leaving for a weekend getaway with the husband
3. When she's approximately 3-4 days overdue, and you're convinced that this is the month.

Well, with that said, I'm off to put on some great panties (white, of course) and convince L. that we need to fly to somewhere really fabulous and romantic this weekend.

She's Back!!! (Well, Sort Of)

Well, she's at it again. My good friend A.F. is torturing me and delaying the next phase in this process. And, fortunately, I can depend on any of you out there wrestling with IF to refrain from those knowing, smiling looks that suggest, "Are you sure you're not pregnant?"

Please. Trust me, there is no way I'm with child, and after 24 months of this I think I would know. And, yes, we celebrated our second year of trying to conceive this week with 7 needles and a couple of bruises on my belly. Ahh, the memories we are creating!

Frankly, this is the first time in 24 months I hope I'm not pregnant. Of all months to be pregnant, that would be far from ideal after the drugs I've been pumping into my body for the last 10 days or so.

I've seen more needles in the past 10 days that I have in my entire life. Between Lupron injections and acupuncture twice a week, I'm actually starting to get used to this. (By the way, I totally recommend the acupuncture-needles-in-the-ear treatment. I actually beg my acupuncturist for it! Amazing how looped it makes me feel - and without the benefit of drugs - who knew?)

So, I'm just waiting....I guess I should be pretty good at that by now: waiting for the next cycle, waiting for the next injection, waiting for the first ultrasound, waiting for permission to start stimming....

And, A.F. is flying around somewhere on her broomstick cackling at me. Damn her.

AF is the Ultimate Witch from Hell

Well, the ultimate "Hail Mary" cycle* is about to conclude, but not without a little tease from my dear friend Aunt Flo. AF & I have become very tight over the last 23 months - I know her every trick, twinge, and cramp. Of course, this month in my heart I can't help but think how wonderful it would be to have a story that begins with this:

"L & I were on the verge of doing IVF, and right before we signed on the dotted line to purchase our fresh and frozen cycles, there they were - two pink lines!!!!"

This is not our story, of course, and AF is determined to play a few Jedi Mind Tricks before we submerge ourselves into a sea of needles and hormones. She begins with the smallest amount of spotting and then adds a few minor cramps. When I refuse to acknowledge her attempts to drive me mad (as well as everyone else around me), she decides to play with my mind for at least 3 to 4 days.

She is satisfied only when she manages to coerce me into a full blown, obsessive google search for "implantation bleeding" and "implantation cramps". Trust me, you can always find a woman out there somewhere in cyberspace who has experienced the exact same "premenstural" symptoms as you before realizing she was knocked up. I've read it over and over: "It felt just like my period was getting ready to start..."

So, enough, already AF! I get it, damn it, and I know exactly what you're doing! Let's just get this thing going so we can officially start the IVF countdown/kickoff!!

Hell, haven't you tortured us enough over the last 23 months???!!!

*Note: I want to attribute the term "Hail Mary Cycle" to my blogger friend Nancy. I picked up this expression on your blog, and I absolutely love it!