Thursday, April 2, 2009

To Tell or Not To Tell...


For those of you who haven't had the opportunity to stop by Baby Smiling in Back Seat's Thoughtful Thursdays, you really should. Cassandra has become one of my favorite fellow bloggers, and I make it a point to stop by every Thursday to read some of the most thought-provoking posts in the blogosphere. Today's Thoughtful Thursday was so relevant, in fact, that my comment is going to be in the form of my own post:

Today's Thoughtful Thursday question is about telling:

"When is it okay to make the pregnancy announcement?"

When L & I naively started trying to make a baby, we were resolute about the 12 week wait. We shook our heads at people who pompously announced their two pink lines before the pee stick even dried: How could they be so stupid??!!

Enter Clomid after a year shrouded in secrecy: This was the point I called my mom, crying, scared that we would end up with 4 or 5 kids in the womb at once. In retrospect, what a joke.

As time wore on, we wrestled with a secret that became harder and harder to keep. Our closest friends had no idea what was going on, and our only support came from each other. While I believe that IF has intensified our relationship in ways I never dreamed possible, having such little outside support was becoming more and more difficult for us both. We began to think that letting a few people in on the situation might actually relieve some of the stress we were feeling so burdened with.

So, we decided to put it out there and we let our closest friends and family in on the most difficult journey of our lives. While it was a difficult decision to make, it was the right one because we could never have made it through IVF without the prayers and support of the people we decided to tell.

Now that we are pregnant, we have shared this joyous news with the same people who so graciously walked with us this far. I believe that if this ends in some unthinkable situation, these are the same people who would support us through the devastation. I can't imagine something like that being a part of my life story without these very same people knowing.

Truthfully, "coming out" to a few select people has been one of the biggest blessings in our lives, without a doubt. It was a risk, but it was worth taking.

As for the "outer circle" (i.e. people at work, more distant friends we don't talk to that often, etc), I won't feel okay telling them until the end of the first trimester - at least. While we are thrilled that we are pregnant, I don't exactly feel compelled to go out and shout it from the rooftop.

So, those of you who are my real life compadres, know that we love you and generally think that you all rock. We are so glad you're on this journey with us.

By the way, have I mentioned that I've eaten almost a whole jar of pickles in less than 24 hours?

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

5 Weeks, 5 Days


I am still waiting for a bunch of fabulous, definitive pregnancy symptoms to pop up, and for the most part, I feel the same physically as I did this time last month (with the exception of the bulging ovaries I had during stims). This is all so surreal: my husband tells me I'm pregnant, I have a good HCG level and then...nothing, or nothing I expected.

After 2 1/2 years of negative tests, I expected this change of mass proportion to take over my body when I was finally pregnant. Pregnancy seemed like a mystical state of being, and I never imagined it being so 'normal'. Frankly, I'm a little nervous about that and would almost prefer the "solace" of raging vomiting episodes.

I have wrestled all week with (my lack of) symptoms. I keep waiting for something magnificent to arise, and to date, it hasn't happened yet. Thusfar, I've experienced:

-Slight fatigue, but nothing overwhelming

-A couple of instances of low grade nausea, but nothing debilitating

-I'm really thirsty all the time, which leads to numerous trips to the bathroom

-Mild cramping (which is more and more intermittent)

-Insomnia - I go to sleep very easily and invariably wake up at about 2 or 3 and can't go back to sleep, and yes, this is a symptom of early pregnancy per Dr. Google.

-Sore breasts

-Vivid dreams (when I finally do sleep)

I am trying to refrain from believing the old wive's tale that a healthy pregnancy is a vomiting pregnancy. Hopefully, I'm just blessed with very few horrible symptoms or maybe it's just too early. After all the stims, hormonal injections and terrifying calls from the IVF nurses (whom I really miss these days, believe it or not!), things are pretty quiet on the pregnancy front.

On another note, I got to tell my dentist I'm pregnant on Monday. For 2 1/2 years, I've been awaiting the moment I could finally announce my pregnancy in response to the obligatory: "So...are there any changes to your health status?"

It's amazing sharing the news in the World of the Fertiles because no one questions anything at all - they seem to cherish a sweet, naive peace of mind that a beautiful baby will magically pop out in 9 months. I was met with high pitched congratulations followed by advice about baby shower gifts.

Ignorance really must be bliss.

One day closer to April 10: Ultrasound Day.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Blame the Hormones


I've sworn to myself through this whole thing that never, ever would I complain about anything "pregnancy related" if God would ever just grant me the opportunity to experience it. And, I'm sticking to that. I can tell you that if morning sickness is every my reality, I will vomit with a smile. Likewise, I will gladly gain weight, sport a pregnancy nose and swollen ankles and hands...all with a gracious laugh. Promise.

However, I didn't expect the anxiety I'm feeling right now because for the first time ever, it feels like there is so much to lose.

I remember when I was a kid, I absolutely couldn't wait until the day my parents trusted me to stay home alone. I imagined that I would be in charge of my two younger sisters, I would eat whatever I wanted, and watch anything I wanted on TV.

But when it finally happened, after the elation wore off, I felt a strange sense of fear. Creaks in the floor were just a little bit louder, and the dark was just a little bit darker. It was actually a little scary.

And, at the risk of sounding like a whinebox, I'm feeling pretty home alone right now. I am elated that we are pregnant. It's beyond thrilling to say to myself, "I'm 5 weeks pregnant on Saturday."

But there are no affirmations right now - no blood test results or ultrasounds, and I'm scared to death of what is (or isn't) going on in there. Yes, I've actually considered buying a few pregnancy tests just to convince myself that this is actually happening.

Enter yet another 2 week wait. Our first ultrasound is 2 weeks from tomorrow: April 10. The thought of an ultrasound that actually involves a baby instead of a follicle counts and and endometriomas is thrilling.

I know, I need to get a grip. Do you think I can blame the hormones?

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

It's a.....


POSITIVE!!!!!

I came home yesterday after working the most intense half day of my life to balloons, beautiful flowers and L. walking around the corner saying words I've longed to hear for 2 1/2 years:

"Congratulations, Babe, you're pregnant!"

The magic number: HCG=857

I am over the moon, thrilled beyond belief and scared to death, all at the same time.

But, mostly, I'm over the moon.

By the way, hearing that your pregnant from your beloved spouse: Priceless.

It's a memory a pee stick just can't possibly grant.

To all of you who have supported us, prayed for us and cheered us on, thank you. This cycle was truly a miracle, and I am completely convinced of the power of prayer and love.

You are all amazing.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Introducing Another IVF "Friend"....


After a great visit with my shrink yesterday afternoon, I walked out into the sunshine actually believing it was okay to feel hopeful about this cycle. She helped me understand that we'll be disappointed (okay, devastated) if this doesn't work, but there's nothing wrong with feeling some hope right now.

Essentially, it's going to suck either way if it's a negative.

After my appointment, I went to have coffee with an old friend I haven't seen in many months. I initiated this time with her because we will be moving in a few months, and I wanted to reconnect with her. She's a bit on the intense side, but I thought it would be a good diversion. She's one half of a couple with no kids, so I knew there would be no baby talk.

Well, I thought I knew.

We talked work for about 30 minutes, from which she launched into a discussion about her recent IVF cycle: "If you ever need a fertility specialist, I know a really good one. We just went through an IVF cycle. By the way, I'm 9 weeks pregnant."

She suggested the specialist in the same tone one would recommend a dentist or a hairstylist.

I was astounded and couldn't help but stammer that we just gone through the same thing. It seemed like the natural thing to do given the circumstances - I mean, I don't typically have coffee with someone for the first time in months only to hear that they just underwent IVF.

Big Mistake.

Her response: "Well, if it doesn't work, I know this great specialist..."

The remainder of the conversation was me listening to her complain about her pregnancy symptoms and how awful being pregnant is - "I'm soooo tired of being sick, and all I want to do is eat. This is just awful."

Needless to say, after a few minutes, I thought of somewhere else I needed to be and abruptly ended this fiasco.

I am realizing that IVF has many faces, and amazingly, simply going through it doesn't mean that you have an ounce of empathy or compassion. I have now encountered two women who have ridden the IVF roller coaster, and I couldn't feel farther apart from either of them in terms of their emotional response to this experience.

Today, I'm moving on from this horrific coffee date. Frankly, a few more months of separation from this friend (if not a permanent arrangement) might definitely be in order.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Side Effects & Diversions


Current side effects of the 2 week wait:

1. Crazy Butt Pain. These progesterone shots are killer. It's not the shot itself, but the aftermath. Yesterday, I felt like a little old lady who needed help just to roll off the couch. In some weird, sadomasachistic way, I actually like these shots because they make me feel like I'm still doing something to keep those little cells viable. Maybe I just got addicted to giving myself shots every night - it sometimes feels like something is missing these days....

2. Cramps. I get nervous when I get them and nervous when I don't. I've read that they're normal and don't mean anything one way or the other, but that sure is hard to buy right now. Yes, I'm still avoiding Dr. Google - he'll be more of an issue next week, if I know me.

3. Anxiety. I'm dealing this by doing nice things for myself. I got a pedicure this afternoon and on the advice of a good friend, purchased a copy of Twilight this afternoon.

Here's to focusing on bloodthirsty vampires instead of dividing embryos.
Thanks, A.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Return to Real Life


I returned to real life today, and I made it through the day. I'm definitely not on my A-game at work, but I'm doing my best. There were several moments when I became so engrossed in work drama today that I realized afterward I hadn't questioned whether our embryos were still dividing in nearly ten minutes.

The highlight of my day was the welcome back I got from my staff - one of them approached me this morning: "Leslie, we're so glad you're back. I'm just going to tell you on the downlow that people have been talking about where you've been...some people thought that you've been out sick because you're pregnant."

UGH!!! Insert forced laugh here and change subject. Quickly.

Thanks to everyone for all your great comments and support yesterday.

Also of note, I was really moved by Cassandra's post today about Affirmations and thought that you might want to check it out, along with all the comments. Very encouraging. And, by the way, she just got a surprise BFP. Stop by and congratulate her and enjoy a very uplifting post.

One more day down....


P.S. Photo today is what I'm praying is happening in my uterus about now.