Thursday, February 5, 2009

The Gremlins in My Back Seat

Approximately 10 minutes into my session with the Infertility Shrink today, she stopped me and said, "You've already given up on this, haven't you?"

I sat there in disbelief that this woman deciphered my soul in all of a few minutes. (Damn, I'm one complex chick.)

And, I admitted it: "Yes, I've decided that IVF isn't going to work for us."

She responded by saying, "You're not ready for this then."

Then she broke it down for me: I have "befriended" all of the painful disappointments over the last 27 months: Every month of negatives, every failed treatment cycle, every pain at someone else being pregnant (again), every moment of utter hell this experience has catalyzed. These failings are all sitting right behind me. And, I spend a lot of time nurturing these little "friends", feeding them, caring for them and in general, feeling sorry for myself (which I absolutely will not deny).

In turn, they're holding me back and prohibiting me from looking forward.

I argued with her at first, telling her that I'm not into this positive thinking stuff because, come on, IVF is anything but a rainbows and butterflies kind of experience.

And, she agreed with that. However, she said that IVF is moving forward, and it's the movement toward our dream of becoming parents that we want. Meanwhile, the Gremlins in my backseat are tugging at me, begging me to stay back with them and have a few drinks. And, frankly, I find the Gremlins hard to resist - the pain of infertility sucks, and there's just nothing like a little self pity to take the edge off.

However, my IF Shrink says that I need to be in a better place if we're going to proceed with this cycle. And if I keep looking backward, hanging out with my Gremlin pals, I'm not going to be able to move onward.

I knew last week that I needed to get a grip on my perspective. My Shrink says that I have to accept that this is our experience, and that it is independent of everyone else's pregnancies, babies and children.

She said that I also have to accept the timing element of this thing (and the lack of control I have over it). If we haven't come through an IVF cycle yet, then the timing wasn't right, and when it is, we will move through.

And, I need to learn to squash those dumbasses in the backseat.


S said...

This is a really profound post, and one in which I can totally relate.

Thanks for sharing and I hope that the Gremlins leave you alone soon so that you can move forward.


Emily said...

Fascinating. Thanks for sharing this. I hope you are able to silence the Gremlins and move forward...

Alex and Jill said...

I can relate to this post. We've all had the gremlins in the backseat, at some point on this painful journey. Heck, at one point, my gremlins were riding shotgun! Moving forward with a positive, healthy outlook is key. You know I'm praying, girl. I'm proud of you for going to the shrink...did you enjoy spilling your guts? I know I always do. :)

Oh, and to answer the question you left on my acupuncturist is certified in Oriental Medicine. I hope it gets better for me...I'm not going to give up just yet.


Megan said...

Woah. I recognized myself a little bit in this. I need to process this post...

Lauren said...

Wise words, I'd say. Good for me to hear too. Thanks for sharing!

KandiB said...

Hey! Free shrink session for me! I needed to hear this, too. it's so true. But WAY easier said (leaving the gremlins) than done. For sure.

I do agree w/her that its good to remember that this is YOUR you get to parenthood. And it is different than everyone else's. I have to remind myself of that ALL the time. It helps (a little) with the "poor me's."

womb for improvement said...

Hard reverse into a brick wall needed.

Good luck.

be said...

Wow. Thank you for sharing. We are one month away from ending our infertility journey after four years...and I can say that this hit home for me. Take care and hope you are able to move forward, whatever your story brings.

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