Approximately 10 minutes into my session with the Infertility Shrink today, she stopped me and said, "You've already given up on this, haven't you?"
I sat there in disbelief that this woman deciphered my soul in all of a few minutes. (Damn, I'm one complex chick.)
And, I admitted it: "Yes, I've decided that IVF isn't going to work for us."
She responded by saying, "You're not ready for this then."
Then she broke it down for me: I have "befriended" all of the painful disappointments over the last 27 months: Every month of negatives, every failed treatment cycle, every pain at someone else being pregnant (again), every moment of utter hell this experience has catalyzed. These failings are all sitting right behind me. And, I spend a lot of time nurturing these little "friends", feeding them, caring for them and in general, feeling sorry for myself (which I absolutely will not deny).
In turn, they're holding me back and prohibiting me from looking forward.
I argued with her at first, telling her that I'm not into this positive thinking stuff because, come on, IVF is anything but a rainbows and butterflies kind of experience.
And, she agreed with that. However, she said that IVF is moving forward, and it's the movement toward our dream of becoming parents that we want. Meanwhile, the Gremlins in my backseat are tugging at me, begging me to stay back with them and have a few drinks. And, frankly, I find the Gremlins hard to resist - the pain of infertility sucks, and there's just nothing like a little self pity to take the edge off.
However, my IF Shrink says that I need to be in a better place if we're going to proceed with this cycle. And if I keep looking backward, hanging out with my Gremlin pals, I'm not going to be able to move onward.
I knew last week that I needed to get a grip on my perspective. My Shrink says that I have to accept that this is our experience, and that it is independent of everyone else's pregnancies, babies and children.
She said that I also have to accept the timing element of this thing (and the lack of control I have over it). If we haven't come through an IVF cycle yet, then the timing wasn't right, and when it is, we will move through.
And, I need to learn to squash those dumbasses in the backseat.