A Question for the IVF Experts Out There

Well, the IVF meds are officially ordered and should arrive Thursday. Stay tuned for the obligatory photo of my great big box of meds which will be posted for your viewing pleasure sometime next weekend.

I have a call in to the RNs at my clinic, but I wanted some input from some of you who've been through this. I am wondering about the difference between the painful PIO shots versus progesterone suppositories. Was one better than the other for you? Recommendations?

It's going to be an exciting week - pre-IVF acupuncture begins tomorrow evening! Hopefully that will get me ready to begin playing with needles as well as my very own, personal sharps container!

A Tiny Bit of Sunshine

Some days on the IF road are actually hopeful, filled with a sunshiny sense of optimism and the belief that all of this might come to a grand conclusion. Today was one of those days.

Our IVF teaching couldn't have gone better. Our IVF RN answered every question we had and was more than willing to explore any fear that we have about the process. She explained every detail of what is to come, and she was reassuring throughout our meeting.

She said that, although it's often frustrating as hell, our unexplained diagnosis is actually a positive in terms of ultimately getting pregnant. She was very encouraging about the results of my Clomid Challenge test, so I guess my ovaries really are doing their job down there.

So, today I feel a tiny bit excited about what we're getting ready to do. In some small way, I actually feel blessed to be going through this. How many people can actually say they've gone to this extent to have a child?

No matter what happens, watching all of this unfold will be one of the most memorable, amazing experiences of our lives.

I suppose it's days like today that make the IF road worth traveling.

Nity - let us know how your IVF class goes. Maybe we could get together and do a post later this week re: the answers to all of our questions! I got most of them answered today! Hope your class goes very well tomorrow! :)

The Great Big Spotted Elephant & The Plague

Today I'm struggling with the sickening irony that I'm preparing to throw a baby shower for my friend three days after I start shooting myself up with Lupron. And if that's not ironic enough, consider the fact that we'll be in the 2ww when she gives birth.

This is my friend who absolutely doesn't get it. For those girls out there who procreate like rabbits - I don't expect much understanding (and am pleasantly surprised when I get it). However, perhaps I expect a little more of her given that she's been through IVF twice.

To the contrary, her understanding of what I'm going through reminds me of a spoiled girl who expects you to be her primary wedding planner while you're amidst the nastiest divorce.

Many months ago, in an effort to salvage the relationship, I encouraged her to process this whole situation with me. This wasn't easy as she prefers to ignore the growing, fat, spotted elephant in the living room. Ultimately, however, she expressed that she wished it had been me who got pregnant first because she would have handled it "so much better" than I did.

If you can't tell, I'm still having a hard time with that one. I guess I wasn't aware that there is a "right" or a "wrong" way of handling this situation. I certainly don't remember expressing anything like that to her while she was going through it. How soon she has forgotten that now that IF is in her backyard instead of her front!!

Frankly, I feel the need to protect myself through this process from her and people like her who always have a healthy dose of negativity to heap on me. I guess the old adage applies here - if you don't have anything nice to say, just don't say anything at all.

And if you insist on continuing to talk, I'm not just going to sit back and listen.

I'm going to avoid you like the plague - after I help with your baby shower, of course.

That's what "supportive" friends do for each other, isn't it?

She's Here!!!

So, this is how I feel today:

Less than 45 minutes after my post last night, AF made her official appearance. I guess she finally accepted that I wasn't going to be toyed with this month.

Please, God, let the Good Witch's magic wand make us pregnant very, very soon.

IVF Teaching (which was rescheduled from its original date) is next week.

AF is the Ultimate Witch from Hell

Well, the ultimate "Hail Mary" cycle* is about to conclude, but not without a little tease from my dear friend Aunt Flo. AF & I have become very tight over the last 23 months - I know her every trick, twinge, and cramp. Of course, this month in my heart I can't help but think how wonderful it would be to have a story that begins with this:

"L & I were on the verge of doing IVF, and right before we signed on the dotted line to purchase our fresh and frozen cycles, there they were - two pink lines!!!!"

This is not our story, of course, and AF is determined to play a few Jedi Mind Tricks before we submerge ourselves into a sea of needles and hormones. She begins with the smallest amount of spotting and then adds a few minor cramps. When I refuse to acknowledge her attempts to drive me mad (as well as everyone else around me), she decides to play with my mind for at least 3 to 4 days.

She is satisfied only when she manages to coerce me into a full blown, obsessive google search for "implantation bleeding" and "implantation cramps". Trust me, you can always find a woman out there somewhere in cyberspace who has experienced the exact same "premenstural" symptoms as you before realizing she was knocked up. I've read it over and over: "It felt just like my period was getting ready to start..."

So, enough, already AF! I get it, damn it, and I know exactly what you're doing! Let's just get this thing going so we can officially start the IVF countdown/kickoff!!

Hell, haven't you tortured us enough over the last 23 months???!!!

*Note: I want to attribute the term "Hail Mary Cycle" to my blogger friend Nancy. I picked up this expression on your blog, and I absolutely love it!

Standing (Stationary) in the Emergency Lane

So, today was a little downhill for me.

I attended my work's "Family Fun Day", an event for all the Agency staff, families, kids, etc. Calling it a "Fun" day is a bit of a stretch, because it didn't feel too damned fun to me.

First of all, why is it that everywhere I go, someone is compelled to share their pregnancy story, their daughter's pregnancy story or, hell, even their cat's pregnancy story? It's as if I have something written on my forehead that says, "Tell me about how easy it was for you (and/or anyone you know) to procreate."

Secondly, I feel so left out. I'm either surrounded by early 20-somethings who haven't even begun thinking about pregnancy (and the daunting prospect of IF isn't even a blip on their radar screens - how I miss those days!) or 30-somethings who have children who look old enough to enter high school. I swear, I look at some of these kids and feel so behind. I find myself wondering if I missed something somewhere...how the hell did I get here again?

I guess that "family" can mean many different things, and right now, my family is L. I do feel fortunate for that, as well as the many other blessings in my life. But you know, sometimes it just feels like the whole world is forging ahead, and I'm standing on the side of the road looking at everyone whizzing past.

Another lovely day in IF world. Here's to a better day tomorrow...I'll let you know about that.

An Epiphany

Today, as I forced myself to do my 30 minute power walk, I was overcome with love and adoration for my husband. Typically, during these walks I am wrestling with "poor me" thoughts and the nagging question: "Why us?" However, today, the answers flowed into my consciousness in a way that let me know for certain that God was with me. Suddenly, I was overcome with epiphany afer epiphany about this whole infertility experience. The resounding thought in my brain was that this whole thing has given me the opportunity to demonstrate love for my husband in a way that most people never really get. I mean, really, how much commitment does it really take to hop into bed a couple of times, have great sex and end up with two pink lines?

Because of this IF challenge, I have to face a tremendous fear and demonstrate an insane amount of dedication. Sometimes I have to remind myself why I'm doing this:

The reason I'm preparing to shoot myself up with a hormone cocktail is because I love this man and want to have a baby with him more than anything in the world. And going through what we're going through truly is a demonstration that it is something we both want more than anything in the world. Damn, I'm blessed to even experience this much love for another human being without being a mom myself.

I hope this doesn't sound too corny - sometimes I'm overwhelmed with emotion these days as I never quite envisioned that my life path would be winding through Lupron and Gonal-F injections. But, sometimes, just for a fleeting moment, all of this craziness really does make sense.

Okay, I'm signing off for now. Somebody remind me of this post next month when my belly and butt are bruised from injections. :)