Thursday, January 29, 2009

Back to the (in)Fertility Shrink

I made an appointment with the (in)Fertility Shrink for next Thursday. I haven't seen her in several months, but I am going to have get some perspective on all of this - I'm not doing very well with it at all.

I've been asking myself a very difficult question since yesterday, and it keeps going through my head over and over again: Why didn't I call earlier? Why did I wait until 10 days after I stopped the pill to call those nurses?

I am not blaming myself for this. I am, however, questioning the fact that I am not a lackadaisical person about these kinds of things. I am the overly worried, neurotic, anal-retentive patient who begs the ultrasound tech to tell me everything she's seeing as she sees it. I carry a green three ring binder to all my appointments. I am the patient who drives these nurses crazy with question after question.

My sister called me Monday evening and asked, "So, has it started yet?"

My response was, "No, and I'm not really worried about it. It'll start when it starts."

That's not like me because I really was feeling a sense of apathy. Obviously. I waited 10 whole days to do anything about it.

I think a part of me is so tired that I don't even want to think about it anymore. I've enjoyed my break, and I'm not overly enthused about getting back into the game.

So tell me, have you ever just felt like enough is enough, and how in the hell did you find it in yourself to keep trudging through this?

By the way, this is not a rhetorical question - I would really like your feedback. I need some momentum. Badly.


Alex and Jill said...

I fight the "enough is enough" feeling often. To be honest, my faith is what always brings me through it. We haven't had peace about stopping the treatments, so until we do, we continue. Somedays, it's just extremely hard...emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, hard. I find that you girls are my support group. When I blog about having a rough day, I can instantly feel the prayers going up on my behalf.

I'm praying for you, girl. We just have to keep trusting that our time will come.

p.s. I'm a huge fan of seeing a therapist. I love mine.


Megan said...

Yes, sometimes I get sick of the whole thing. Some times I just want a break. But then I start to feel stagnant. I start to feel like I need to get started again. I hope you feel better soon!

wannabmomma said...

In November I had my 1st anniversary with TTC with treatment (even though I went off BCP in '05). The first year was really rough on me and I took a lot of breaks. I started with a new doc this month and have decided I'm going to put my head down and finish this marathon by either getting a BFP or when the docs tell me to call it quits.

I don't know exactly how I keep going, because this is such an emotional journey, but I do think about how some people have it worse than I do. I don't know if that is any comfort to you at all. But just keep on truckin'. We're all here for you!!

Emily said...

Breaks are easy, treatment is tough. There is soooo much tied up in a new round of treatment - hope, fear, anger, resentment, anxiety - that it is sometimes hard to jump back in. I was DREADING starting IVF #3, I had to force myself to make the call. Don't beat yourself up over it. Perhaps you were just not ready and your subconcious was taking over for you...

KandiB said...

For me...I always fell back on the idea that the sooner I got back on the horse, the sooner I might get the all ellusive double pink line and a baby. There's always that hope that it'll be THIS time.

It is hard, no matter what, to go through the rollercoaster. Just remember, your body is full of crazy hormones just making things worse.

Mo and Will said...

I can't help you with your question, unfortunately. As tortured as i feel going through IVF (and facing #4), saying enough is enough feels even more unbearable somehow.

As for therapy, I'm completely biased since I'm in the field, but I think it can change people's lives (I've seen it). And this fertility thing is a beast. It would jostle the stability of even the most well adapted person.

Be as kind to yourself as possible. hang in there.


mommy of girls said...

Hey doll. My heart is broken for you. I am so sad that you are having to go through all of this and questioning it all. Anyone would question though.

I have no great words for how to keep on keeping on. Only prayers. And to say that WHEN (and I believe it is a WHEN) you do get a BFP and you hold your sweet little biscuit...then...and maybe only will realize that this entire journey was worth the ride.

My prayer today is for God to give you super human strength that can only come from Him.

Praying for you doll. Praying.

Love you.

learningtobestillandknow said...

I get that feeling all the time. The feeling that I can't stand to do one more minute of anything baby related. In fact, I'm a bit there now :)

I think what keeps me going is this image that I conjured up quite awhile back of me holding my baby and falling in love. That little image gives me more strength than I can even begin to describe.


womb for improvement said...

For me the issue is tied up with the fact that there is no way of knowing when to stop trying. Only a very few people who are infertile are catagorically told, 'that is it, it is never going to happen'. For the massive majority of us there is another thing to try, another series of drugs and interventions. The question is when do we decide enough is enough, I'm going to look at other options? Which means we spend years in limbo, hoping, putting ourselves through more treatment.

Faith said...

Good for you. We all need someone who understands where we're coming from to just listen as we work through this -- I hope today is better.

just me said...

That is a tough one. I have been struggling with that myself lately, but then we have not gone through IVF yet either. I am just tired!! I found that after I had my miscarriage I would say that next month I will get right back on the drugs and we will start this train up again. Then before I knew it, it was a week past my period and I had not even gone to the pharmacy to pick up the prescription. I think sometimes our subconsience just knows when our bodies need a break. Maybe now that you have had one (although brief), and you go and talk to the therapist, you will be able to start that train up again. I pray for you everyday! I am looking forward to the day when I open up your page and I see a big BFP in your title!!

Shinejil said...

Now, I haven't been through as many rounds in the ring as you. But I believe that once you've got a good general idea about your emotions (go, shrink!), it's all about distraction.

Pick something you've always wanted to learn and do. Take an art class. Redecorate. Watch every single episode of some TV show or all the Japanese movies you can find. Get out in nature. Learn to make the perfect souffle. Go dancing. Read Dante and Ovid. Join a gym and take a training class that works for you. Volunteer.

We put so many things on hold during treatment. That's just not fair to us. There are cheap treats and thrills we can give ourselves. That's the only thing that's kept me sane (besides DH and my cats)--indulging my other sides and keeping the rest of me, the part that isn't all about TTC, as happy as possible.

And there are always drugs. Prescription, I mean.