November Gratitude

It's November, which has come to be really significant in our family - it is the birth month of both of our children. Yes, both in the plural sense.

I have been ridiculously absent in the blog world, but I keep my blog posted because, well, a part of me hopes that someone will run across it and glean some element of hope in her own infertility journey.

We went through with FET #1 in March, 2011. We had 3 frozen embryos, put back 2, and low and behold, were again successful. Our son was born 11.11.11.

I always say that our daughter (born 11/27/09), Lyla, was the cake AND the icing. I never expected anything beyond that in my wildest dreams. Our son, Cade, is beyond the entire cake - maybe the sprinkles or something. I still have to pinch myself that he's here with us.

He'll be one on Sunday. It's been an amazing year.

Infertility remains a defining moment in my life. The defining moment, actually. It's always with me, and it completely changed the course of my life's path. It's a positive for me in retrospect - but it was undoubtedly the hardest journey I've ever traveled.

Cade's first birthday makes me look at where we've been and it forces me to consider where we're going as a family. We have one more embryo, which we will put back sometime next year. It's an emotional thing to consider, but we're committed to giving that little life the same chance we gave the others.

I remain indebted to the blog world because it really helped me through some of my darkest days. So, this November I am thankful for not only the beautiful lives we have been entrusted with, I'm also grateful for every ounce of support we received along the journey, right here in cyberspace. It's so emotional to revisit everyone's stories and see the successes and to lament the ongoing struggles. Where there is energy and effort, there is hope. I just know it.

On this day...

...one year ago Lyla was a tiny embryo. I remember the weekend so well - I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat - I anticipated the next call from the lab with tears of joy and feelings of dread, all at once.

And, now here we are one year later. Our lives have been completely transformed. I wanted to write a brief update just to express that we are happy and that life is going well. Our home is a little dustier, phone calls are harder and harder to return and I'm not as organized as I used to be...but Lyla is the light of my days. I wake up and feel completely blessed with joy that I get to spend the entire day with her.

She is now 3 1/2 months, and I can't believe how quickly this year is flying by. She is a completely different baby than the one who was born back in November. She smiles at everything, is losing her hair, sleeps unreliably at night and has learned to love to nurse - yes, nursing was our first real challenge together and we made it through. I'm very proud of that.

It sounds cliche, but life is very, very good. At this point in my life's journey, I'm convinced that every tear, every fear and every horrible day of our infertility is now worth it. I hope there's a note of hope in that for anyone out there struggling with the agonizing desire to have a baby. I still read all of your blogs faithfully, and while I don't often have time to comment, I think of you all and pray regularly that a baby is on the horizon.

Lyla Q. is such an amazing miracle, and I feel so blessed to be her mommy.

She's Here!!

Lyla Quinn was born on Friday, Nov. 27 (her exact due date!) at 2:46 p.m. At 22 inches long, she weighed a whopping 9 lbs., 3 oz.

I am more overcome with love than I ever thought imaginable. She is just amazing. L. took this picture right after he handed her to me, and I think it's my most favorite photograph in the world.

Simply put, she is a living, breathing miracle.

She's Almost Here!

Yesterday we went in for an ultrasound as our little girl seems snug in her cocoon and is showing no definitive signs of arrival at almost 40 weeks.

According to the ultrasound, she is a very big girl, weighing in at almost 10 pounds. After consulting with our doctor, we've opted for a C-section, scheduled for Friday at 2:30. Of course, ultrasound weights tend to be a little off at this point in pregnancy, so she probably doesn't weigh that much in actuality. However, I'm not arguing the benefits of a C-section, and I just want her to enter the world as safely as possible.

I am so excited about seeing her that yesterday flew by in a blur, but as we get closer, I find that I am nervous and wrestling with the feelings I suppose any new parent grapples with: I can't believe we're going to have a newborn baby in our home in less than 48 hours.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Update: Full Term

Today is a major milestone - 37 weeks. We are officially full term.

After weeks and weeks of sitting on pins and needles, we are relieved to reach this point. Our baby is measuring in the 72nd percentile for growth, and the doctor is predicting she will be approximately 8.5 pounds. Unbelieveable!

Physically, I'm feeling good overall, just very tired. I think that fatigue has been far more of a factor for me in the 3rd trimester than any other - probably because I ran on adrenaline during the first two.

The nursery is complete, stroller purchased and the carseat is ready to go (I even know how to use it!).

I am feeling really reflective at this point in the pregnancy - I often wander into the nursery and sit there for a very long time, just thinking about where we've been and where we are now. I feel so grateful for every hiccup, every kick and every little movement. Somehow I don't think I would have been so gracious had this pregnancy come easily. I know I wouldn't.

I am apprehensive about labor, but not really about the pain. All I can think about is getting to that moment where our little girl cries for the first time and we know that everything is really okay with her.

And, I still can't believe the miracle of IVF and the fact that when we first saw her she was 7 or 8 cells. Now, she is a living, thriving little baby kicking inside of me.

It's the miracle of my lifetime.

20 Weeks

The halfway point. We're here.

I'm not sure why it's been nearly 10 weeks since I've posted - I know now from personal experience that getting pregnant does not erase the battle wounds of the last 2 1/2 years.

I originally wanted to post about every aspect of my pregnancy, but somehow it didn't seem appropriate to do so this in this forum because every time I did, I felt like I was evoking pain for someone else. I know that's presumptuous - I mean, in all likelihood if my posts caused pain for anyone out there, surely they'd just stop reading my blog. I know that, but it still felt like "that girl" who can't stop talking about her pregnancy, and my heart has been broken by that person so many times throughout this experience in my life.

Nonetheless, I am inspired to post today to commemorate the midpoint of our pregnancy.

Significant events of the last 9 weeks:

• We've moved to a new city and are getting settled into a completely new life. I'm not currently working and probably won't for the next few months, which is a huge life transition for me. I've been a career girl for the last 11 years of my life, and taking time off is not something I ever planned - it's just that finding employment at 5 months pregnant in the (ailing) nonprofit world is probably not a great likelihood at this point. I think it's a God-given opportunity to take a break, be pregnant and re-evaluate my life. I feel very blessed (albeit somewhat displaced) to have this time.
  
  
• We are having a little girl. We did not learn this in the way I thought we would - I didn't wake up one morning and think, "Today we'll find out the sex of our child." In fact, like many things in life (i.e. not being able to conceive at will), this fact did not reveal itself in at all the way I imagined that it would. I had a very scary spotting episode en route to vacation at 17 weeks, 4 days. It was the single scariest moment of my life. Unfortunately, I discovered this 1 hour into a two hour flight. We cancelled everything as soon as we landed and headed straight to an ER (which wasn't an easy task to accomplish in Newark, NJ). God led us to a wonderful ER in Somerville, NJ, and we received the care we needed. The spotting stopped as soon as it started and hasn't returned. There was no specific reason given for the episode other than it may have been a bursting capillary on my cervix or the result of a low lying placenta. We'll find out more about the low lying placenta in an ultrasound scheduled for next Friday. Interestingly, in the hour following the spotting discovery on the plane, my thoughts were not of needles, swollen ovaries and egg retrievals - all I could think about was the little face on the ultrasound and the most intense fear that our baby was in distress. It was a horrible moment.
  
  
• My relationship with my IVF friend is officially over. Long story short, I attempted to graciously share the news of our pregnancy with her at 12 weeks before she heard of it from someone else, and subsequently received a nasty response in which I was told I was a "black cloud" that hung over her pregnancy because she had to "walk on eggshells" throughout it because of me. A disappointment, for certain, but a relationship I will never again question putting in my rearview mirror.
  

I don't know if I'll start posting again. I've noticed that sometimes people create new pregnancy blogs, which I can completely understand. But somehow, this doesn't feel like the right venue for me because I still feel like infertility is undeniably my shadow, even throughout pregnancy: in no way does it feel like a part of my life that's completely finished. I've considered creating a new family blog when our our baby makes her appearance, but that's still very much a dream for me.

Pregnancy post infertility is a moment in life that, to me, has been like a long drink of water after a prolonged drought. I cherish every single minute and revere my growing belly and all 12 pounds of my weight gain. I am still in awe of the whole process and can't quite get over the miracle growing inside me.

I still read your posts and pray regularly that there resolve is on the horizon. This journey is one that seems without ending, although pregnancy resulting from a treatment cycle is accompanied by a profound joy that is no comparison for the feelings experienced by someone who conceives after 2 months of trying.

And no one will ever convince me otherwise.

11 Wk 3 Day Ultrasound

Today my pregnancy felt real for the very first time. Laying there and looking at an ultrasound screen of MY UTERUS and seeing a little baby move around was nothing short of miraculous.

I can't stop looking at the pictures and marveling at the fact that I met this little baby at just 8 tiny cells, and he has now morphed into an actual being with arms and legs that move. (By the way, I'm using "he" here generally.)

Our baby has a little chin, a tiny nose and ears that are moving into place. His arms and legs are moving, and at one point in the ultrasound he arched his back. Our baby is measuring at 12 weeks, so he's growing well - approximately the size of a beautiful lime! Heartbeat increased to 162 beautiful beats per minute. My OB says our baby "looks great".

There is still a part of me that has to convince myself that the monitor was actually connected to my uterus and was not a television appearance of someone else's baby. It's all so surreal, still.

Things are going well - still intermittent nausea that feels exactly like bad car sickness, insomnia (I finally fall asleep to the Golden Girls nearly every night, starting at about 1:30 a.m.) and fatigue when I get home from work. I'm hungry all the time and very emotional.

It was great seeing my OB today because she was so thrilled for us. As we were leaving, she said, "This baby is so lucky to have you two as parents."

We feel so blessed to have this baby. God is good.

Upcoming Ultrasound and Stuff

I haven't been doing too much blogging lately, and I don't really know why. Perhaps it's because the evenings are particularly rough for me - it's usually when nausea kicks in full force. I'm very fortunate that it rarely plagues me at work.

We are 11 weeks today, next ultrasound is Monday, and I have mixed feelings about it. I'm very excited about seeing how much our baby has grown, and I have no reason to believe that the news will be anything but positive. However, the infertility journey changes you...and there's still that nagging feeling that the other shoe is getting ready to drop...

Things have been going well overall. I vascillate between extreme excitement and fear all the time, which is interesting with the hormones running through my body.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how the infertility experience alters the pregnancy experience, like it or not. Every aspect, every successful day seems so much more precious. I literally thank God at the end of every day for getting us through another one.

I went to a party last weekend and was surprised that I felt the familiar lump in my throat when I saw a couple of women there with their infants. Those feelings don't just go away...there's still that odd, sickening mixture of jealousy accompanied by guilt for feeling anything negative at all.

I'm hoping that those feelings will start to dissolve at some point. It's ironic because after one of those moms left the party, I learned from a friend of mine that she and her husband went through 3 rounds of IVF to get their little girl. Amazing how I never even considered that when I first saw them there.

Also of note, my 40 year old boss is pregnant. It was a complete accident, and I think she's becoming more and more excited about it. It's been interesting working with someone whose experience is so opposite of my own in so many ways.

I'll post after Monday's ultrasound. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. I think I'm in the mood for some chocolate tonight (and I think I'm actually going to let myself have it - I've been religiously avoiding caffeine in any form - ugh).

8 Weeks, 6 Days: Hope Re-enters

I love my life these days. I'm feeling stronger every day and am more convinced about the health of our baby.

Most recently, my typical glass is half empty/worry about everything attitude has been challenged by reading Emily's blog (which incidentally, is of a similar name to mine - "What to Expect When You're NOT Expecting"). She recently got her BFP, and has been awe-inspiringly hopeful since her beta. This is the kind of hope and attitude that I believe is best for our baby, and I'm working on embracing this moment instead of succumbing to worry and fear. I really appreciate her optimism and "enjoy-every-minute" mentality.

I think about this little life inside me from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep, and many, many times in between.

Thusfar, our baby has given us no crazy, violent symptoms - just a quiet nausea, food cravings and aversions and most recently, a tasty case of metal mouth. It's just enough to know he/she is down there with a beating heart, and we're smiling through the whole thing: "Money in the bank", as my good friends T. & S. say.

I don't know how many times each day I smile to myself and say, "I can't believe this is actually happening to us."

We've received a few gifts here and there from several close friends and family, which has been a great reminder that this is all actually happening. My friend M. brought over a toy with a little pull cord that plays "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", a song from our wedding. It was so special and even more so because she bought it 2 years ago and has been waiting all this time to give it to us. My parents sent a special bear, our friends A & C sent some cute bibs and my friend S. sent an assortment of baby items "to get us started".

This outpouring of support has been amazing, and I cry every time I open a package with a card that reads "...And Baby Makes Three" - I still can't believe it is actually meant for our little family.

I am working on allowing myself to feel completely hopeful about this pregnancy. We are here, and it's an amazing moment in our lives. I have loved every minute of being pregnant, and believe that this is the most beautiful miracle God has ever created for us.

Hope is something that's been an alien (and inconsistent) concept to me over the last couple of years, and it feels good to feel it re-enter my life. I've missed it.

8 Wks, 0 Days - Nausea is My Friend

I have a new best friend. Her name is Nausea. She pops up when I haven't eaten in 10 minutes or so, and she is a fabulous indication of a healthy hormonal cocktail flowing through my veins. She isn't overpowering (yet) or even annoying. She's just present.

I have never been so happy to feel like crap.

The beauty of infertility (if there is any beauty about infertility, that is) is that pregnancy symptoms are each small victories to be celebrated. My pants are a little tighter and I'm thrilled. My boobs look like a veiny spiderweb, and I think they're amazing. And, now, Nausea has arrived, and she is the ultimate reassurance.

I absolutely love her.

We Have a Flicker!

Driving to the clinic yesterday was difficult. I cried as we got closer because I was so scared and excited, all at the same time (the hormones are also helping with this). When I saw my shrink last week, she told me that I really needed to work on letting myself feel some excitement about the first ultrasound of my life that didn't involve cysts, follicles and endometriomas. She was right, it was a brilliant moment.

L. (who can read ultrasounds) saw the baby before I did and smiled at me with a thumbs up. We've developed our own nonverbals for the ultrasound room because his expression always gives me the lowdown before the tech does. It was a relief to see how happy he was, and when the ultrasound tech moved the monitor toward us and showed us the flicker, I caught my breath. 140 beautiful beats per minute. Perfect. Priceless.

Our baby's heart is beating! It is a Divine Miracle.

The icing on the cake: Debbie, my favorite IVF RN came in to share the moment with us. I love that she was there after everything else she's been through with us.

Today I am excited and working on shedding a little of my past failures a little at a time. My shrink says that I have to start thinking about the success of this pregnancy rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's so hard after 2 1/2 years of disappointment, but I'm trying. I want to feel hopeful and excited, and really, I do. It's just so hard to believe this is all actually happening, and I have to look at the ultrasound images on a regular basis to convince myself.

And, the lowgrade nausea I've developed is also helping with the reality check.

To Tell or Not To Tell...

For those of you who haven't had the opportunity to stop by Baby Smiling in Back Seat's Thoughtful Thursdays, you really should. Cassandra has become one of my favorite fellow bloggers, and I make it a point to stop by every Thursday to read some of the most thought-provoking posts in the blogosphere. Today's Thoughtful Thursday was so relevant, in fact, that my comment is going to be in the form of my own post:

Today's Thoughtful Thursday question is about telling:

"When is it okay to make the pregnancy announcement?"

When L & I naively started trying to make a baby, we were resolute about the 12 week wait. We shook our heads at people who pompously announced their two pink lines before the pee stick even dried: How could they be so stupid??!!

Enter Clomid after a year shrouded in secrecy: This was the point I called my mom, crying, scared that we would end up with 4 or 5 kids in the womb at once. In retrospect, what a joke.

As time wore on, we wrestled with a secret that became harder and harder to keep. Our closest friends had no idea what was going on, and our only support came from each other. While I believe that IF has intensified our relationship in ways I never dreamed possible, having such little outside support was becoming more and more difficult for us both. We began to think that letting a few people in on the situation might actually relieve some of the stress we were feeling so burdened with.

So, we decided to put it out there and we let our closest friends and family in on the most difficult journey of our lives. While it was a difficult decision to make, it was the right one because we could never have made it through IVF without the prayers and support of the people we decided to tell.

Now that we are pregnant, we have shared this joyous news with the same people who so graciously walked with us this far. I believe that if this ends in some unthinkable situation, these are the same people who would support us through the devastation. I can't imagine something like that being a part of my life story without these very same people knowing.

Truthfully, "coming out" to a few select people has been one of the biggest blessings in our lives, without a doubt. It was a risk, but it was worth taking.

As for the "outer circle" (i.e. people at work, more distant friends we don't talk to that often, etc), I won't feel okay telling them until the end of the first trimester - at least. While we are thrilled that we are pregnant, I don't exactly feel compelled to go out and shout it from the rooftop.

So, those of you who are my real life compadres, know that we love you and generally think that you all rock. We are so glad you're on this journey with us.

By the way, have I mentioned that I've eaten almost a whole jar of pickles in less than 24 hours?

5 Weeks, 5 Days

I am still waiting for a bunch of fabulous, definitive pregnancy symptoms to pop up, and for the most part, I feel the same physically as I did this time last month (with the exception of the bulging ovaries I had during stims). This is all so surreal: my husband tells me I'm pregnant, I have a good HCG level and then...nothing, or nothing I expected.

After 2 1/2 years of negative tests, I expected this change of mass proportion to take over my body when I was finally pregnant. Pregnancy seemed like a mystical state of being, and I never imagined it being so 'normal'. Frankly, I'm a little nervous about that and would almost prefer the "solace" of raging vomiting episodes.

I have wrestled all week with (my lack of) symptoms. I keep waiting for something magnificent to arise, and to date, it hasn't happened yet. Thusfar, I've experienced:

-Slight fatigue, but nothing overwhelming

-A couple of instances of low grade nausea, but nothing debilitating

-I'm really thirsty all the time, which leads to numerous trips to the bathroom

-Mild cramping (which is more and more intermittent)

-Insomnia - I go to sleep very easily and invariably wake up at about 2 or 3 and can't go back to sleep, and yes, this is a symptom of early pregnancy per Dr. Google.

-Sore breasts

-Vivid dreams (when I finally do sleep)

I am trying to refrain from believing the old wive's tale that a healthy pregnancy is a vomiting pregnancy. Hopefully, I'm just blessed with very few horrible symptoms or maybe it's just too early. After all the stims, hormonal injections and terrifying calls from the IVF nurses (whom I really miss these days, believe it or not!), things are pretty quiet on the pregnancy front.

On another note, I got to tell my dentist I'm pregnant on Monday. For 2 1/2 years, I've been awaiting the moment I could finally announce my pregnancy in response to the obligatory: "So...are there any changes to your health status?"

It's amazing sharing the news in the World of the Fertiles because no one questions anything at all - they seem to cherish a sweet, naive peace of mind that a beautiful baby will magically pop out in 9 months. I was met with high pitched congratulations followed by advice about baby shower gifts.

Ignorance really must be bliss.

One day closer to April 10: Ultrasound Day.

Blame the Hormones

I've sworn to myself through this whole thing that never, ever would I complain about anything "pregnancy related" if God would ever just grant me the opportunity to experience it. And, I'm sticking to that. I can tell you that if morning sickness is every my reality, I will vomit with a smile. Likewise, I will gladly gain weight, sport a pregnancy nose and swollen ankles and hands...all with a gracious laugh. Promise.

However, I didn't expect the anxiety I'm feeling right now because for the first time ever, it feels like there is so much to lose.

I remember when I was a kid, I absolutely couldn't wait until the day my parents trusted me to stay home alone. I imagined that I would be in charge of my two younger sisters, I would eat whatever I wanted, and watch anything I wanted on TV.

But when it finally happened, after the elation wore off, I felt a strange sense of fear. Creaks in the floor were just a little bit louder, and the dark was just a little bit darker. It was actually a little scary.

And, at the risk of sounding like a whinebox, I'm feeling pretty home alone right now. I am elated that we are pregnant. It's beyond thrilling to say to myself, "I'm 5 weeks pregnant on Saturday."

But there are no affirmations right now - no blood test results or ultrasounds, and I'm scared to death of what is (or isn't) going on in there. Yes, I've actually considered buying a few pregnancy tests just to convince myself that this is actually happening.

Enter yet another 2 week wait. Our first ultrasound is 2 weeks from tomorrow: April 10. The thought of an ultrasound that actually involves a baby instead of a follicle counts and and endometriomas is thrilling.

I know, I need to get a grip. Do you think I can blame the hormones?

It's a.....

POSITIVE!!!!!

I came home yesterday after working the most intense half day of my life to balloons, beautiful flowers and L. walking around the corner saying words I've longed to hear for 2 1/2 years:

"Congratulations, Babe, you're pregnant!"

The magic number: HCG=857

I am over the moon, thrilled beyond belief and scared to death, all at the same time.

But, mostly, I'm over the moon.

By the way, hearing that your pregnant from your beloved spouse: Priceless.

It's a memory a pee stick just can't possibly grant.

To all of you who have supported us, prayed for us and cheered us on, thank you. This cycle was truly a miracle, and I am completely convinced of the power of prayer and love.

You are all amazing.

Introducing Another IVF "Friend"....

After a great visit with my shrink yesterday afternoon, I walked out into the sunshine actually believing it was okay to feel hopeful about this cycle. She helped me understand that we'll be disappointed (okay, devastated) if this doesn't work, but there's nothing wrong with feeling some hope right now.

Essentially, it's going to suck either way if it's a negative.

After my appointment, I went to have coffee with an old friend I haven't seen in many months. I initiated this time with her because we will be moving in a few months, and I wanted to reconnect with her. She's a bit on the intense side, but I thought it would be a good diversion. She's one half of a couple with no kids, so I knew there would be no baby talk.

Well, I thought I knew.

We talked work for about 30 minutes, from which she launched into a discussion about her recent IVF cycle: "If you ever need a fertility specialist, I know a really good one. We just went through an IVF cycle. By the way, I'm 9 weeks pregnant."

She suggested the specialist in the same tone one would recommend a dentist or a hairstylist.

I was astounded and couldn't help but stammer that we just gone through the same thing. It seemed like the natural thing to do given the circumstances - I mean, I don't typically have coffee with someone for the first time in months only to hear that they just underwent IVF.

Big Mistake.

Her response: "Well, if it doesn't work, I know this great specialist..."

The remainder of the conversation was me listening to her complain about her pregnancy symptoms and how awful being pregnant is - "I'm soooo tired of being sick, and all I want to do is eat. This is just awful."

Needless to say, after a few minutes, I thought of somewhere else I needed to be and abruptly ended this fiasco.

I am realizing that IVF has many faces, and amazingly, simply going through it doesn't mean that you have an ounce of empathy or compassion. I have now encountered two women who have ridden the IVF roller coaster, and I couldn't feel farther apart from either of them in terms of their emotional response to this experience.

Today, I'm moving on from this horrific coffee date. Frankly, a few more months of separation from this friend (if not a permanent arrangement) might definitely be in order.

Side Effects & Diversions

Current side effects of the 2 week wait:

1. Crazy Butt Pain. These progesterone shots are killer. It's not the shot itself, but the aftermath. Yesterday, I felt like a little old lady who needed help just to roll off the couch. In some weird, sadomasachistic way, I actually like these shots because they make me feel like I'm still doing something to keep those little cells viable. Maybe I just got addicted to giving myself shots every night - it sometimes feels like something is missing these days....

2. Cramps. I get nervous when I get them and nervous when I don't. I've read that they're normal and don't mean anything one way or the other, but that sure is hard to buy right now. Yes, I'm still avoiding Dr. Google - he'll be more of an issue next week, if I know me.

3. Anxiety. I'm dealing this by doing nice things for myself. I got a pedicure this afternoon and on the advice of a good friend, purchased a copy of Twilight this afternoon.

Here's to focusing on bloodthirsty vampires instead of dividing embryos.

Thanks, A.

Return to Real Life

I returned to real life today, and I made it through the day. I'm definitely not on my A-game at work, but I'm doing my best. There were several moments when I became so engrossed in work drama today that I realized afterward I hadn't questioned whether our embryos were still dividing in nearly ten minutes.

The highlight of my day was the welcome back I got from my staff - one of them approached me this morning: "Leslie, we're so glad you're back. I'm just going to tell you on the downlow that people have been talking about where you've been...some people thought that you've been out sick because you're pregnant."

UGH!!! Insert forced laugh here and change subject. Quickly.

Thanks to everyone for all your great comments and support yesterday.

Also of note, I was really moved by Cassandra's post today about Affirmations and thought that you might want to check it out, along with all the comments. Very encouraging. And, by the way, she just got a surprise BFP. Stop by and congratulate her and enjoy a very uplifting post.

One more day down....

P.S. Photo today is what I'm praying is happening in my uterus about now.

This Is Crazy....

The Embryo High has evaporated.

I wasn't exactly expecting all this: the IVF Two-Week Wait is a new animal to me. Frankly, I didn't realize how emotionally difficult this was going to be.

In fact, I invested so much time and energy getting to this point that I never thought about what comes after. After all of the drama and Divine Intervention of the last few days, I feel like I've entered a desert of some kind - there's nothing for miles and miles and miles.

I am preoccupied with the fact that with Divine Assistance, we created life, and it was subsequently placed in my uterus. I am overwhelmed with this crazy emotional attachment to it, along with a sickening fear about whether or not it's still there.

I know I need to stay positive, keep hopeful, keep the faith.

I just never in a million years realized how hard this was going to be. I can't even fathom how I'm going to feel the night before that pregnancy test.

The IVF 2 week wait is the CROWN JEWEL of all 2 week waits. It doesn't get any more intense than this, at least not in my humble infertility experience.

Pales. In. Comparison.

Words of wisdom from those of you who have been through this would really be welcomed.

Really welcomed.

Praying. Praying. Praying.

Transfer Day

For anyone out there who is contemplating the pros and cons of IVF, making it to Transfer Day definitely goes in the priceless column. Regardless of the outcome of this whole experience, seeing your little embryos for the first time is a moving achievement in the IF journey.

The clinic staff did an amazing job of making this a very special experience for us, giving us pictures and the petri dish our embryos were growing in. (By the way, I want to post these pictures but am still trying to figure that out).

We were able to see the embryos magnified thousands of times on a television screen as they pulled them up through the catheter.

We put back two embryos - a 7 cell and an 8 cell. Dr. A. said that things looked good - and that the embryos actually looked like they had developed further by the time of transfer (which was later than scheduled originally yesterday).

No word on the other embryos other than they are still growing. We'll find out later as to whether or not they'll make it to freeze.

Today, I'm on bedrest and trying to take it easy. I'm watching my favorite shows and praying at regular intervals that this is going to work.

It's a leap of faith, I know. I feel so much better knowing that we were able to get this far, and I'm just focusing on that right now. I'm trying not to focus too much on the risk we have taken and the fear of failure.

Right now, I'm just enjoying my embryo high.

Thanks again to everyone for your unfailing support and prayers throughout this crazy cycle. You make the experience so much more easy to live through.