Friday, October 17, 2008

Today My Glass is Half-Empty

The last 48 hours have been a true test of my strength, faith and frustration.

You know, I've had this bad feeling about my baseline ultrasound for weeks. I've been worried that it was going to reveal that I had the ovaries of a 65 year-old woman, that I had one antral follicle on each ovary or that there would be some other devastating news that would delay or hault this process.

Well, it wasn't just my natural cynicism that evoked that gut feeling.

I was right - I just didn't know the specifics.

Even with that said, I was more than a little alarmed on Thursday morning when the tech pointed out some sort of issue on the monitor.

Thus, our next IF hurdle reared its ugly head.

The next thing I know, L. and I are getting up at 5:30 this morning to drive two hours for another ultrasound at the clinic. Our doctor explained that I have a cyst that has not ruptured from my last cycle. While she said that she would proceed if we wished, she recommended that we wait it out to see what it does over the next couple of weeks.

We are not gamblers (in other words, we don't want to overstimulate). So, I am now on Lupron until the end of the month, and will go back for another ultrasound on the 31st to see what's going on in there.

So, while the antral follicle count doesn't appear to be an issue (i.e. I have numerous "follicle beginnings"), a leftover cyst on my left ovary is keeping us from moving forward.

I have a lot of anger about this because it's taken me so very long to work up to doing this whole IVF thing. There are still moments when I look at those needles and that bottle of Lupron and feel like I'm acting out some sort of surreal science fiction nightmare.

And, we've planned everything (including L's very complicated work schedule) around the timing of this thing, and here we are once again: roadblocked.

I am once again shaking my head and wondering what I've done to deserve this. I've worked so diligently to be as optimistic as possible, which isn't easy for me. Hell, I'm not making it a secret that I'm not exactly a "glass-is-half-full" kind of girl (and let's face it, the IF experience certainly hasn't done much to remedy that).

And, even after all of that, here we are: stuck on the periphery once again. For two more weeks.

I am very frustrated and angry. I don't understand why something that comes so easily for so many people is so difficult for us.

Still shaking my head...dismayed.

Tomorrow, I'll work on the optimism thing again.

But, today, I just feel half-empty.


Leslee said...

Leslie - I'm so sorry that you've hit another roadblock. I hope the Lupron puts that ovary right back into submission and that your IVF goes off smoothly from there.

I think I'll take a swig out of that half-empty glass myself!


courtney said...

No matter how I'm trying to spin this for you, you're right. It sucks. I'm sorry you're dealing with a major setback. I'm sure there are silver linings, but for now, I would be just as upset as you.
If I may throw just a tad of optimism your way, (only a little bit though), the good part is that the found the cyst now, and not the day before retrieval or when it caused problems with something else...
Girl, take care. And eat as much ice cream as you need. Seriously.

Amber said...

What a bitter blow. I'm sorry. But know that nobody is punishing you for anything - sometimes life just sucks (and some of us fall on the sucky side more often). Hang in there.

Penny said...

A cyst bites the big one! Arg!

BUT. If there is a silver lining, let it be that the one thing that didn't go smoothly during your IVF cycle (because something ALWAYS gets messed up) happened before the big stims started. And that is a marvelous thing, if this is your One Bad Thing. And good for you that you can stick it out and wait for the cyst to disappear.

Hope that lupron doesn't make you too crazy.

Emily said...

Oh no! That just plain sucks! I am so, so sorry! I hope this gets cleared up ASAP and you are on your way. GL!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Allow yourself the time to be angry, sad frustrated.

It makes it easier to start afresh tomorrow.

Good luck.

mommy of girls said...

Sorry, friend. I honestly cried while reading your post. I just don't understand the "whys" of infertility. It hurts. It's unfair. And it's hard to be positive when babies seem to be filling the wombs of everyone but you. I pray for a better tomorrow for you. I love ya, doll. Still praying...

twondra said...

Awww, girl, I'm so sorry. It's so tough to stay positive during times like this. I'm thinking about you. It's not fair. (((HUGS)))

musicmakermomma said...

So sorry to hear about this, and hopefully the Lupron will clear it right up. I am cycling right now too, and I had an estrogen-producing cyst they wanted Lupron to take care of but it didn't. So they aspirated it - it wasn't my favorite thing, but it was quick and not a big deal compared to a lot of stuff we go through! It set back my schedule 2-3 days, but I'm back on track; and hopefully you will be too.

I Believe in Miracles said...

Oh - I am SO SO sorry.

rgram962 said...

I'm sorry you are having to endure more pain. I hope this is the last hurdle that you have to cross. I Love You and am praying.

Alex and Jill said...

I'm sorry to hear about the roadblock. Hopefully the Lupron will kick the cysts butt and you can be on your way to IVF once again. I'll be praying.

Chin up...