Today My Glass is Half-Empty

The last 48 hours have been a true test of my strength, faith and frustration.

You know, I've had this bad feeling about my baseline ultrasound for weeks. I've been worried that it was going to reveal that I had the ovaries of a 65 year-old woman, that I had one antral follicle on each ovary or that there would be some other devastating news that would delay or hault this process.

Well, it wasn't just my natural cynicism that evoked that gut feeling.

I was right - I just didn't know the specifics.

Even with that said, I was more than a little alarmed on Thursday morning when the tech pointed out some sort of issue on the monitor.

Thus, our next IF hurdle reared its ugly head.

The next thing I know, L. and I are getting up at 5:30 this morning to drive two hours for another ultrasound at the clinic. Our doctor explained that I have a cyst that has not ruptured from my last cycle. While she said that she would proceed if we wished, she recommended that we wait it out to see what it does over the next couple of weeks.

We are not gamblers (in other words, we don't want to overstimulate). So, I am now on Lupron until the end of the month, and will go back for another ultrasound on the 31st to see what's going on in there.

So, while the antral follicle count doesn't appear to be an issue (i.e. I have numerous "follicle beginnings"), a leftover cyst on my left ovary is keeping us from moving forward.

I have a lot of anger about this because it's taken me so very long to work up to doing this whole IVF thing. There are still moments when I look at those needles and that bottle of Lupron and feel like I'm acting out some sort of surreal science fiction nightmare.

And, we've planned everything (including L's very complicated work schedule) around the timing of this thing, and here we are once again: roadblocked.

I am once again shaking my head and wondering what I've done to deserve this. I've worked so diligently to be as optimistic as possible, which isn't easy for me. Hell, I'm not making it a secret that I'm not exactly a "glass-is-half-full" kind of girl (and let's face it, the IF experience certainly hasn't done much to remedy that).

And, even after all of that, here we are: stuck on the periphery once again. For two more weeks.

I am very frustrated and angry. I don't understand why something that comes so easily for so many people is so difficult for us.

Still shaking my head...dismayed.

Tomorrow, I'll work on the optimism thing again.

But, today, I just feel half-empty.