I'm going to send my IVF friend a letter explaining my absence as she officially enters the mommyhood. The act of sending this really does go along with the old adage, "This hurts me more than it hurts you." (Ahha!....so this must be what self-preservation feels like).
After a lot of mental anguish, I've decided that being around her negative outlook is not good for me right now, but perhaps with time, we'll be able to be friends again on some other level (i.e. when my life doesn't revolve around Lupron, stims, and IVF cycles).
Maybe. (Needless to say, L. has his doubts about that.)
Here's my letter:
Dear M.,
I hope this finds you all well and very happy.
I'm writing to you because I want to express to you why I can't be more present right now. It is my hope that as my friend, this will all make sense to you and that you will somehow be able to understand my position.
L. & I are experiencing some difficulty with our IVF process, and things aren't going as smoothly as we had hoped. Thus, I've been very down about things and have really been struggling emotionally. All of these things have transpired simultaneously with this joyous event in your life, and it is simply too painful for me right now to be a more present friend.
I know that you might find it difficult to empathize with me, and that you would probably approach things differently. My pain is very real to me, however, and it is my hope that you can stretch your understanding to somehow make sense of this. I hope that you will also recall the times I have been more available and supportive and that this will mean something in the longevity of our relationship.
We pray for you daily,
l.l.
Many of us seem to struggle with self preservation, and I often think that much of the reason IF is happening to me is that I need to learn how to prioritize myself. (After all, there must be a reason for IF that goes beyond an unfortunate biological coincidence!) IF is definitely the most difficult chapter of my life so far, and I am realizing that I have a right to care for myself in the middle of it. We all do.
I suppose the letter will either catalyze the next chapter in this relationship or it will end it.
We'll see.
12 comments:
hi there - i just found your blog & am on the seemingly almost same IVF cycle as you as far as timing and meds - your acupuncturist sounds amazing btw - im in ATL and have yet to find one that i love - so sending you lots of good thoughts, peace & serenity on your journey - t.
That was a great letter. It's so hard to know when to say something and when not to. When I was thinking about going on the church retreat, even the idea of saying, I don't want to talk about it made me tear up. You definitely need to take care of yourself!!
This road is so bumpy. It's odd, I thought the decision to IVF would make for smooth sailing. I don't think so!! I'm praying for smooth sailing for both of us from here on out.
***HUGS***
I think that's a very nice letter - not accusatory in any way. It puts the onus on you. I would think (and hope) she would give you some space, and be open to reconnecting when you're ready. It's hard, isn't it?
It's a good thing to take care of ourselves. Sending good thoughts.
Lea (a new reader)
Wow! You are amazing! Your letter is great, and I support your self-preservation wholeheartedly.
Hello, friend. I'm glad to see you taking a step toward keeping your self mentally in check. I'm proud of you. I think your letter was worded wonderfully...but girl, I know you and I knew it would be. :-) I am still praying for God to be in this process and for the end result to be coming soon in the form of a sweet little miracle. I love you and pray for you daily.
I hope she appreciates how difficult that was to write and things get resolved.
I hope she takes your very sweet letter in the spirit it was intended. You are not alone in your struggles - we understand! And I hope things start looking way, way up soon! (((HUGS)))!
This is so hard to get across.
Good luck.
It's hard. Sometimes you just have to realize that friendships have limitations, and that within those limitations, you can have a wonderful friendship. That may be where you and your IVF friend are right now . . . .
Really nice letter. Kudos to you for taking the initiative on taking care of yourself. We often forget to do that until it is too late!
Great letter, don't be surprised if she is absolutely stunned. Stick to your guns and do what you need to do for your own mental stability.
I Love You,
Ruth
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